5 midnigh+sun-第44节

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Her　head　dropped　even　lower　as　she　admitted　this；　and　her　expression　
looked？guilty。　
I　looked　away　from　her　and　laughed　out　loud。　　She　felt　guilty？　　What　could　she　
possibly　have　done　to　deserve　censure　of　any　kind？　
〃Tricked　him　how？〃　I　asked。　
〃I　tried　to　flirt—it　worked　better　than　I　thought　it　would；〃　she　explained；　and　her　
voice　turned　incredulous　at　the　memory　of　that　success。　
I　could　just　imagine—considering　the　attraction　she　seemed　to　have　for　all　things　
male；　totally　unconscious　on　her　part—how　overwhelming　she　would　be　when　she　tried　
to　be　attractive。　　I　was　suddenly　full　of　pity　for　the　unsuspecting　boy　she'd　unleashed　
such　a　potent　force　on。　
〃I'd　like　to　have　seen　that；〃　I　said；　and　then　I　laughed　again　with　the　black　humor。　
I　wished　I　could　have　heard　the　boy's　reaction；　witnessed　the　devastation　for　myself。　
〃And　you　accused　me　of　dazzling　people—poor　Jacob　Black。〃　
I　wasn't　as　angry　with　the　source　of　my　exposure　as　I　would　have　expected　to　
feel。　　He　didn't　know　better。　　And　how　could　I　expect　anyone　to　deny　this　girl　what　she　
wanted？　　No；　I　only　felt　sympathy　for　the　damage　she　would　have　done　to　his　peace　of　
mind。　
I　felt　her　blush　heat　the　air　between　us。　　I　glanced　at　her；　and　she　was　staring　out　
her　window。　　She　didn't　speak　again。　
〃What　did　you　do　then？〃　I　prompted。　　Time　to　get　back　to　the　horror　story。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
201　

〃I　did　some　research　on　the　internet。〃　
Ever　practical。　　〃And　did　that　convince　you？〃　
〃No；〃　she　said。　　〃Nothing　fit。　　Most　of　it　was　kind　of　silly。　　And　then—〃　
She　broke　off　again；　and　I　heard　her　teeth　lock　together。　
〃What？〃　I　demanded。　　What　had　she　found？　　What　had　made　sense　of　the　
nightmare　for　her？　
There　was　a　short　paused；　and　then　she　whispered；　〃I　decided　it　didn't　matter。〃　
Shock　froze　my　thoughts　for　a　half…second；　and　then　it　all　fit　together。　　Why　she'd　
sent　her　friends　away　tonight　rather　than　escape　with　them。　　Why　she　had　gotten　into　my　
car　with　me　again　instead　of　running；　screaming　for　the　police？　
Her　reactions　were　always　wrong—always　completely　wrong。　　She　pulled　danger　
toward　herself。　　She　invited　it。　
〃It　didn't　matter？〃　I　said　through　my　teeth；　anger　filling　me。　　How　was　I　supposed　
to　protect　someone　so？so？so　determined　to　be　unprotected？　
〃No；〃　she　said　in　a　low　voice　that　was　inexplicably　tender。　　〃It　doesn't　matter　to　
me　what　you　are。〃　
She　was　impossible。　
〃You　don't　care　if　I'm　a　monster？　　If　I'm　not　human？〃　
〃No。〃　
I　started　to　wonder　if　she　was　entirely　stable。　
I　supposed　that　I　could　arrange　for　her　to　receive　the　best　care　available？　Carlisle　
would　have　the　connections　to　find　her　the　most　skilled　doctors；　the　most　talented　
therapists。　　Perhaps　something　could　be　done　to　fix　whatever　it　was　that　was　wrong　with　
her；　what　ever　it　was　that　made　her　content　to　sit　beside　a　vampire　with　her　heart　beating　
calmly　and　steadily。　　I　would　watch　over　the　facility；　naturally；　and　visit　as　often　as　I　was　
allowed？　
〃You're　angry；〃　she　sighed。　　〃I　shouldn't　have　said　anything。〃　
As　if　her　hiding　these　disturbing　tendencies　would　help　either　of　us。　
〃No。　　I'd　rather　know　what　you're　thinking—even　if　what　you're　thinking　is　
insane。〃　
〃So　I'm　wrong　again？〃　she　asked；　a　bit　belligerent　now。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
202　

〃That's　not　what　I　was　referring　to！〃　　My　teeth　clenched　together　again。　　〃'It　
doesn't　matter'！〃　I　repeated　in　a　scathing　tone。　
She　gasped。　　〃I'm　right？〃　
〃Does　it　matter？〃　I　countered。　
She　took　a　deep　breath。　　I　waited　angrily　for　her　answer。　
〃Not　really；〃　she　said；　her　voice　composed　again。　　〃But　I　am　curious。〃　
Not　really。　　It　didn't　really　matter。　　She　didn't　care。　　She　knew　I　was　inhuman；　a　
monster；　and　this　didn't　really　matter　to　her。　
Aside　from　my　worries　about　her　sanity；　I　began　to　feel　a　swelling　of　hope。　　I　tried　
to　quash　it。　
〃What　are　you　curious　about？〃　I　asked　her。　　There　were　no　secrets　left；　only　
minor　details。　
〃How　old　are　you？〃　she　asked。　
My　answer　was　automatic　and　ingrained。　　〃Seventeen。〃　
〃And　how　long　have　you　been　seventeen？〃　
I　tried　not　to　smile　at　the　patronizing　tone。　　〃A　while；〃　I　admitted。　
〃Okay；〃　she　said；　abruptly　enthusiastic。　　She　smiled　up　at　me。　　　When　I　stared　
back；　anxious　again　about　her　mental　health；　she　smiled　wider。　　I　grimaced。　
〃Don't　laugh；〃　she　warned。　　〃But　how　can　you　come　out　during　the　daytime？〃　
I　laughed　despite　her　request。　　Her　research　had　not　netted　her　anything　unusual；　it　
seemed。　〃Myth；〃　I　told　her。　
〃Burned　by　the　sun？〃　
〃Myth。〃　
〃Sleeping　in　coffins？〃　
〃Myth。〃　
Sleep　had　not　been　a　part　of　my　life　for　so　long—not　until　these　last　few　nights；　as　
I'd　watched　Bella　dreaming？　
〃I　can't　sleep；〃　I　murmured；　answering　her　question　more　fully。　
She　was　silent　for　a　moment。　
〃At　all？〃　she　asked。　
〃Never；〃　I　breathed。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
203　

I　stared　into　her　eyes；　wide　under　the　thick　fringe　of　lashes；　and　yearned　for　sleep。　
Not　for　oblivion；　as　I　had　before；　not　to　escape　boredom；　but　because　I　wanted　to　dream。　
Maybe；　if　I　could　be　unconscious；　if　I　could　dream；　I　could　live　for　a　few　hours　in　a　world　
where　she　and　I　could　be　together。　　She　dreamed　of　me。　　I　wanted　to　dream　of　her。　
She　stared　back　at　me；　her　expression　full　of　wonder。　　I　had　to　look　away。　
I　could　not　dream　of　her。　　She　should　not　dream　of　me。　
〃You　haven't　asked　me　the　most　important　question　yet；〃　I　said；　my　silent　chest　
colder　and　harder　than　before。　　She　had　to　be　forced　to　understand。　　At　some　point；　she　
would　have　to　realize　what　she　was　doing　now。　　She　must　be　made　to　see　that　this　all　did　
matter—more　than　any　other　consideration。　　Considerations　like　the　fact　that　I　loved　her。　
〃Which　one　is　that？〃　she　asked；　surprised　and　unaware。　
This　only　made　my　voice　harder。　　〃You　aren't　concerned　about　my　diet？〃　
〃Oh。　　That。〃　　She　spoke　in　a　quiet　tone　that　I　couldn't　interpret。　
〃Yes；　that。　　Don't　you　want　to　know　if　I　drink　blood？〃　
She　cringed　away　from　my　question。　　Finally。　　She　was　understanding。　
〃Well；　Jacob　said　something　about　that；〃　she　said。　
〃What　did　Jacob　say？〃　
〃He　said　you　didn't？hunt　people。　　He　said　your　family　wasn't　supposed　to　be　
dangerous　because　you　only　hunted　animals。〃　
〃He　said　we　weren't　dangerous？〃　I　repeated　cynically。　
〃Not　exactly；〃　she　clarified。　　〃He　said　you　weren't　supposed　to　be　dangerous。　　But　
the　Quileutes　still　didn't　want　you　on　their　land；　just　in　case。〃　
I　stared　at　the　road；　my　thoughts　in　a　hopeless　snarl；　my　throat　aching　with　the　
familiar　fiery　thirst。　
〃So；　was　he　right？〃　she　asked；　as　calmly　as　if　she　were　confirming　a　weather　
report。　　〃About　not　hunting　people？〃　
〃The　Quileutes　have　a　long　memory。〃　
She　nodded　to　herself；　thinking　hard。　
〃Don't　let　that　make　you　complacent；　though；〃　I　said　quickly。　　〃They're　right　to　
keep　their　distance　from　us。　　We　are　still　dangerous。〃　
〃I　don't　understand。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
204　

No　she　didn't。　　How　to　make　her　see？　
〃We　try；〃　I　told　her。　　〃We're　usually　very　good　at　what　we　do。　　Sometimes　we　
make　mistakes。　　Me；　for　example；　allowing　myself　to　be　alone　with　you。〃　
Her　scent　was　still　a　force　in　the　car。　　I　was　growing　used　to　it；　I　could　almost　
ignore　it；　but　there　was　no　denying　that　my　body　still　yearned　toward　her　for　the　wrong　
reason。　　My　mouth　was　swimming　with　venom。　
〃This　is　a　mistake？〃　she　asked；　and　there　was　heartbreak　in　her　voice。　　The　sound　
of　it　disarmed　me。　　She　wanted　to　be　with　me—despite　everything；　she　wanted　to　be　with　
me。　
Hope　swelled　again；　and　I　beat　it　back。　
〃A　very　dangerous　one；〃　I　told　her　truthfully；　wishing　the　truth　could　really　
somehow　cease　to　matter。　
She　didn't　respond　for　a　moment。　　I　heard　her　breathing　change—it　hitched　in　
strange　ways　that　did　not　sound　like　fear。　
〃Tell　me　more；〃　she　said　suddenly；　her　voice　distorted　by　anguish。　
I　examined　her　carefully。　
She　was　in　pain。　　How　had　I　allowed　this？　
〃What　more　do　you　want　to　know？〃　I　asked；　trying　to　think　of　a　way　to　keep　her　
from　hurting。　　She　should　not　hurt。　　I　couldn't　let　her　be　hurt。　
〃Tell　me　why　you　hunt　animals　instead　of　people；〃　she　said；　still　anguished。　
Wasn't　it　obvious？　　Or　maybe　this　didn't　matter　to　her　either。　
〃I　don't　want　to　be　a　monster；〃　I　muttered。　
〃But　animals　aren't　enough？〃　
I　searched　for　another　comparison；　a　way　that　she　could　understand。　　〃I　can't　be　
sure；　of　course；　but　I'd　compare　it　to　living　on　tofu　and　soy　milk；　we　call　ourselves　
vegetarians；　our　little　inside　joke。　　It　doesn't　completely　satiate　the　hunger—or　rather　
thirst。　　But　it　keeps　us　strong　enough　to　resist。　　Most　of　the　time。〃　　My　voice　got　lower；　I　
was　ashamed　of　danger　I　had　allowed　her　to　be　in。　　Danger　I　continued　to　allow？　
〃Sometimes　it's　more　difficult　than　others。〃　
〃Is　it　very　difficult　for　you　now？〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
205　

I　sighed。　　Of　course　she　would　ask　the　question　I　didn't　want　to　answer。　　〃Yes；〃　I　
admitted。　
I　expected　her　physical　response　correctly　this　time：　her　breathing　held　steady；　her　
heart　kept　its　even　pattern。　　I　expected　it；　but　I　did　not　understand　it。　　How　could　she　not　
be　afraid？　
〃But　you're　not　hungry　now；〃　she　declared；　perfectly　sure　of　herself。　
〃Why