david copperfield(大卫.科波维尔)-第162节
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David Copperfield
Wickfield； sir！ Would you be so good as tell us？ Yes or no； sir？
Come； partner！’
‘For God’s sake； my dear Doctor；’ said Mr。 Wickfield again
laying his irresolute hand upon the Doctor’s arm； ‘don’t attach too
much weight to any suspicions I may have entertained。’
‘There！’ cried Uriah； shaking his head。 ‘What a melancholy
confirmation： ain’t it？ Him！ Such an old friend！ Bless your soul；
when I was nothing but a clerk in his office； Copperfield； I’ve seen
him twenty times； if I’ve seen him once； quite in a taking about it—
quite put out； you know （and very proper in him as a father； I’m
sure I can’t blame him）； to think that Miss Agnes was mixing
herself up with what oughtn’t to be。’
‘My dear Strong；’ said Mr。 Wickfield in a tremulous voice； ‘my
good friend； I needn’t tell you that it has been my vice to look for
some one master motive in everybody； and to try all actions by one
narrow test。 I may have fallen into such doubts as I have had；
through this mistake。’
‘You have had doubts； Wickfield；’ said the Doctor； without
lifting up his head。 ‘You have had doubts。’
‘Speak up； fellow…partner；’ urged Uriah。
‘I had； at one time； certainly；’ said Mr。 Wickfield。 ‘I—God
forgive me—I thought you had。’
‘No； no； no！’ returned the Doctor； in a tone of most pathetic
grief。 ‘I thought； at one time；’ said Mr。 Wickfield； ‘that you wished
to send Maldon abroad to effect a desirable separation。’
‘No； no； no！’ returned the Doctor。 ‘To give Annie pleasure； by
making some provision for the companion of her childhood。
Nothing else。’
‘So I found；’ said Mr。 Wickfield。 ‘I couldn’t doubt it； when you
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David Copperfield
told me so。 But I thought—I implore you to remember the narrow
construction which has been my besetting sin—that； in a case
where there was so much disparity in point of years—’
‘That’s the way to put it； you see； Master Copperfield！’ observed
Uriah； with fawning and offensive pity。
‘—a lady of such youth； and such attractions； however real her
respect for you； might have been influenced in marrying； by
worldly considerations only。 I make no allowance for innumerable
feelings and circumstances that may have all tended to good。 For
Heaven’s sake remember that！’
‘How kind he puts it！’ said Uriah； shaking his head。
‘Always observing her from one point of view；’ said Mr。
Wickfield； ‘but by all that is dear to you； my old friend； I entreat
you to consider what it was； I am forced to confess now； having no
escape—’
‘No！ There’s no way out of it； Mr。 Wickfield； sir；’ observed
Uriah； ‘when it’s got to this。’
‘—that I did；’ said Mr。 Wickfield； glancing helplessly and
distractedly at his partner； ‘that I did doubt her； and think her
wanting in her duty to you； and that I did sometimes； if I must say
all； feel averse to Agnes being in such a familiar relation towards
her； as to see what I saw； or in my diseased theory fancied that I
saw。 I never mentioned this to anyone。 I never meant it to be
known to anyone。 And though it is terrible to you to hear；’ said Mr。
Wickfield； quite subdued； ‘if you knew how terrible it is for me to
tell； you would feel compassion for me！’
The Doctor； in the perfect goodness of his nature； put out his
hand。 Mr。 Wickfield held it for a little while in his； with his head
bowed down。
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David Copperfield
‘I am sure；’ said Uriah； writhing himself into the silence like a
Conger…eel； ‘that this is a subject full of unpleasantness to
everybody。 But since we have got so far； I ought to take the liberty
of mentioning that Copperfield has noticed it too。’
I turned upon him； and asked him how he dared refer to me！
‘Oh！ it’s very kind of you； Copperfield；’ returned Uriah；
undulating all over； ‘and we all know what an amiable character
yours is； but you know that the moment I spoke to you the other
night； you knew what I meant。 You know you knew what I meant；
Copperfield。 Don’t deny it！ You deny it with the best intentions；
but don’t do it； Copperfield。’
I saw the mild eye of the good old Doctor turned upon me for a
moment； and I felt that the confession of my old misgivings and
remembrances was too plainly written in my face to be
overlooked。 It was of no use raging。 I could not undo that。 Say
what I would； I could not unsay it。
We were silent again； and remained so； until the Doctor rose
and walked twice or thrice across the room。 Presently he returned
to where his chair stood； and； leaning on the back of it； and
occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes； with a simple
honesty that did him more honour； to my thinking； than any
disguise he could have effected； said：
‘I have been much to blame。 I believe I have been very much to
blame。 I have exposed one whom I hold in my heart； to trials and
aspersions—I call them aspersions； even to have been conceived in
anybody’s inmost mind—of which she never； but for me； could
have been the object。’
Uriah Heep gave a kind of snivel。 I think to express sympathy。
‘Of which my Annie；’ said the Doctor； ‘never； but for me； could
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David Copperfield
have been the object。 Gentlemen； I am old now； as you know； I do
not feel； tonight； that I have much to live for。 But my life—my
Life—upon the truth and honour of the dear lady who has been
the subject of this conversation！’
I do not think that the best embodiment of chivalry； the
realization of the handsomest and most romantic figure ever
imagined by painter； could have said this； with a more impressive
and affecting dignity than the plain old Doctor did。
‘But I am not prepared；’ he went on； ‘to deny—perhaps I may
have been； without knowing it； in some degree prepared to
admit—that I may have unwittingly ensnared that lady into an
unhappy marriage。 I am a man quite unaccustomed to observe；
and I cannot but believe that the observation of several people； of
different ages and positions； all too plainly tending in one
direction （and that so natural）； is better than mine。’
I had often admired； as I have elsewhere described； his
benignant manner towards his youthful wife； but the respectful
tenderness he manifested in every reference to her on this
occasion； and the almost reverential manner in which he put away
from him the lightest doubt of her integrity； exalted him； in my
eyes； beyond description。
‘I married that lady；’ said the Doctor； ‘when she was extremely
young。 I took her to myself when her character was scarcely
formed。 So far as it was developed； it had been my happiness to
form it。 I knew her father well。 I knew her well。 I had taught her
what I could； for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities。
If I did her wrong； as I fear I did； in taking advantage （but I never
meant it） of her gratitude and her affection； I ask pardon of that
lady； in my heart！’
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David Copperfield
He walked across the room； and came back to the same place；
holding the chair with a grasp that trembled； like his subdued
voice； in its earnestness。
‘I regarded myself as a refuge； for her； from the dangers and
vicissitudes of life。 I persuaded myself that； unequal though we
were in years； she would live tranquilly and contentedly with me。 I
did not shut out of my consideration the time when I should leave
her free； and still young and still beautiful； but with her judgement
more matured—no； gentlemen—upon my truth！’
His homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and
generosity。 Every word he uttered had a force that no other grace
could have imparted to it。
‘My life with this lady has been very happy。 Until tonight； I have
had uninterrupted occasion to bless the day on which I did her
great injustice。’
His voice； more and more faltering in the utterance of these
words； stopped for a few moments； then he went on：
‘Once awakened from my dream—I have been a poor dreamer；
in one way or other； all my life—I see how natural it is that she
should have some regretful feeling towards her old companion
and her equal。 That she does regard him with some innocent
regret； with some blameless thoughts of what might have been；
but for me； is； I fear； too true。 Much that I have seen； but not
noted； has come back upon me with new meaning； during this last
trying hour。 But； beyond this； gentlemen； the dear lady’s name
never must be coupled with a word； a breath； of doubt。’
For a little while； his eye kindled and his voice was firm； for a
little while he was again silent。 Presently； he proceeded as before：
‘It only remains for me； to bear the knowledge of the
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unhappiness I have occasioned； as submissively as I can。 It is she
who should reproach； not I。 To save her from misconstruction；
cruel misconstruction； that even my friends have not
