还乡The Return Of The Native-第55节

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“Your　words　have　no　longer　their　old　flavour。　　And　so　love　dies　with　good　fortune！”
“I　cannot　listen　to　this；　Clym—it　will　end　bitterly；”　she　said　in　a　broken　voice。　　“I　will　go　home。”


3　… She　Goes　Out　to　Battle　against　Depression


A　few　days　later；　before　the　month　of　August　has　expired；　Eustacia　and　Yeobright　sat　together　at　their　early　dinner。　
Eustacia’s　manner　had　bee　of　late　almost　apathetic。　　There　was　a　forlorn　look　about　her　beautiful　eyes　which；　whether　she　deserved　it　or　not；　would　have　excited　pity　in　the　breast　of　anyone　who　had　known　her　during　the　full　flush　of　her　love　for　Clym。　　The　feelings　of　husband　and　wife　varied；　in　some　measure；　inversely　with　their　positions。　　Clym；　the　afflicted　man；　was　cheerful；　and　he　even　tried　to　fort　her；　who　had　never　felt　a　moment　of　physical　suffering　in　her　whole　life。　
“e；　brighten　up；　dearest；　we　shall　be　all　right　again。　
Some　day　perhaps　I　shall　see　as　well　as　ever。　　And　I　solemnly　promise　that　I’ll　leave　off　cutting　furze　as　soon　as　I　have　the　power　to　do　anything　better。　　You　cannot　seriously　wish　me　to　stay　idling　at　home　all　day？”
“But　it　is　so　dreadful—a　furze…cutter！　and　you　a　man　who　have　lived　about　the　world；　and　speak　French；　and　German；　and　who　are　fit　for　what　is　so　much　better　than　this。”
“I　suppose　when　you　first　saw　me　and　heard　about　me　I　was　wrapped　in　a　sort　of　golden　halo　to　your　eyes—a　man　who　knew　glorious　things；　and　had　mixed　in　brilliant　scenes—in　short；　an　adorable；　delightful；　distracting　hero？”
“Yes；”　she　said；　sobbing。　
“And　now　I　am　a　poor　fellow　in　brown　leather。”
“Don’t　taunt　me。　　But　enough　of　this。　　I　will　not　be　depressed　any　more。　　I　am　going　from　home　this　afternoon；　unless　you　greatly　object。　　There　is　to　be　a　village　picnic—a　gipsying；　they　call　it—at　East　Egdon；　and　I　shall　go。”
“To　dance？”
“Why　not？　　You　can　sing。”
“Well；　well；　as　you　will。　　Must　I　e　to　fetch　you？”
“If　you　return　soon　enough　from　your　work。　　But　do　not　inconvenience　yourself　about　it。　　I　know　the　way　home；　and　the　heath　has　no　terror　for　me。”
“And　can　you　cling　to　gaiety　so　eagerly　as　to　walk　all　the　way　to　a　village　festival　in　search　of　it？”
“Now；　you　don’t　like　my　going　alone！　Clym；　you　are　not　jealous？”
“No。　But　I　would　e　with　you　if　it　could　give　you　any　pleasure；　though；　as　things　stand；　perhaps　you　have　too　much　of　me　already。　　Still；　I　somehow　wish　that　you　did　not　want　to　go。　　Yes；　perhaps　I　am　jealous；　and　who　could　be　jealous　with　more　reason　than　I；　a　half…blind　man；　over　such　a　woman　as　you？”
“Don’t　think　like　it。　　Let　me　go；　and　don’t　take　all　my　spirits　away！”
“I　would　rather　lose　all　my　own；　my　sweet　wife。　　Go　and　do　whatever　you　like。　　Who　can　forbid　your　indulgence　in　any　whim？　　You　have　all　my　heart　yet；　I　believe；　and　because　you　bear　with　me；　who　am　in　truth　a　drag　upon　you；　I　owe　you　thanks。　　Yes；　go　alone　and　shine。　　As　for　me；　I　will　stick　to　my　doom。　　At　that　kind　of　meeting　people　would　shun　me。　　My　hook　and　gloves　are　like　the　St。　Lazarus　rattle　of　the　leper；　warning　the　world　to　get　out　of　the　way　of　a　sight　that　would　sadden　them。”　He　kissed　her；　put　on　his　leggings；　and　went　out。　
When　he　was　gone　she　rested　her　head　upon　her　hands　and　said　to　herself；　“Two　wasted　lives—his　and　mine。　　And　I　am　e　to　this！　Will　it　drive　me　out　of　my　mind？”
She　cast　about　for　any　possible　course　which　offered　the　least　improvement　on　the　existing　state　of　things；　and　could　find　none。　　She　imagined　how　all　those　Budmouth　ones　who　should　learn　what　had　bee　of　her　would　say；　“Look　at　the　girl　for　whom　nobody　was　good　enough！”　To　Eustacia　the　situation　seemed　such　a　mockery　of　her　hopes　that　death　appeared　the　only　door　of　relief　if　the　satire　of　Heaven　should　go　much　further。
Suddenly　she　aroused　herself　and　exclaimed；　“But　I’ll　shake　it　off。　　Yes；　I　WILL　shake　it　off！　No　one　shall　know　my　suffering。　　I’ll　be　bitterly　merry；　and　ironically　gay；　and　I’ll　laugh　in　derision。　　And　I’ll　begin　by　going　to　this　dance　on　the　green。”
She　ascended　to　her　bedroom　and　dressed　herself　with　scrupulous　care。　　To　an　onlooker　her　beauty　would　have　made　her　feelings　almost　seem　reasonable。　　The　gloomy　corner　into　which　accident　as　much　as　indiscretion　had　brought　this　woman　might　have　led　even　a　moderate　partisan　to　feel　that　she　had　cogent　reasons　for　asking　the　Supreme　Power　by　what　right　a　being　of　such　exquisite　finish　had　been　placed　in　circumstances　calculated　to　make　of　her　charms　a　curse　rather　than　a　blessing。　
It　was　five　in　the　afternoon　when　she　came　out　from　the　house　ready　for　her　walk。　　There　was　material　enough　in　the　picture　for　twenty　new　conquests。　　The　rebellious　sadness　that　was　rather　too　apparent　when　she　sat　indoors　without　a　bonnet　was　cloaked　and　softened　by　her　outdoor　attire；　which　always　had　a　sort　of　nebulousness　about　it；　devoid　of　harsh　edges　anywhere；　so　that　her　face　looked　from　its　environment　as　from　a　cloud；　with　no　noticeable　lines　of　demarcation　between　flesh　and　clothes。　　The　heat　of　the　day　had　scarcely　declined　as　yet；　and　she　went　along　the　sunny　hills　at　a　leisurely　pace；　there　being　ample　time　for　her　idle　expedition。　　Tall　ferns　buried　her　in　their　leafage　whenever　her　path　lay　through　them；　which　now　formed　miniature　forests；　though　not　one　stem　of　them　would　remain　to　bud　the　next　year。　
The　site　chosen　for　the　village　festivity　was　one　of　the　lawnlike　oases　which　were　occasionally；　yet　not　often；　met　with　on　the　plateaux　of　the　heath　district。　　The　brakes　of　furze　and　fern　terminated　abruptly　round　the　margin；　and　the　grass　was　unbroken。　　A　green　cattletrack　skirted　the　spot；　without；　however；　emerging　from　the　screen　of　fern；　and　this　path　Eustacia　followed；　in　order　to　reconnoitre　the　group　before　joining　it。　　The　lusty　notes　of　the　East　Egdon　band　had　directed　her　unerringly；　and　she　now　beheld　the　musicians　themselves；　sitting　in　a　blue　wagon　with　red　wheels　scrubbed　as　bright　as　new；　and　arched　with　sticks；　to　which　boughs　and　flowers　were　tied。　　In　front　of　this　was　the　grand　central　dance　of　fifteen　or　twenty　couples；　flanked　by　minor　dances　of　inferior　individuals　whose　gyrations　were　not　always　in　strict　keeping　with　the　tune。　
The　young　men　wore　blue　and　white　rosettes；　and　with　a　flush　on　their　faces　footed　it　to　the　girls；　who；　with　the　excitement　and　the　exercise；　blushed　deeper　than　the　pink　of　their　numerous　ribbons。　　Fair　ones　with　long　curls；　fair　ones　with　short　curls；　fair　ones　with　lovelocks；　fair　ones　with　braids；　flew　round　and　round；　and　a　beholder　might　well　have　wondered　how　such　a　prepossessing　set　of　young　women　of　like　size；　age；　and　disposition；　could　have　been　collected　together　where　there　were　only　one　or　two　villages　to　choose　from。　　In　the　background　was　one　happy　man　dancing　by　himself；　with　closed　eyes；　totally　oblivious　of　all　the　rest。　　A　fire　was　burning　under　a　pollard　thorn　a　few　paces　off；　over　which　three　kettles　hung　in　a　row。　　Hard　by　was　a　table　where　elderly　dames　prepared　tea；　but　Eustacia　looked　among　them　in　vain　for　the　cattle…dealer’s　wife　who　had　suggested　that　she　should　e；　and　had　promised　to　obtain　a　courteous　wele　for　her。　
This　unexpected　absence　of　the　only　local　resident　whom　Eustacia　knew　considerably　damaged　her　scheme　for　an　afternoon　of　reckless　gaiety。　　Joining　in　became　a　matter　of　difficulty；　notwithstanding　that；　were　she　to　advance；　cheerful　dames　would　e　forward　with　cups　of　tea　and　make　much　of　her　as　a　stranger　of　superior　grace　and　knowledge　to　themselves。　　Having　watched　the　pany　through　the　figures　of　two　dances；　she　decided　to　walk　a　little　further；　to　a　cottage　where　she　might　get　some　refreshment；　and　then　return　homeward　in　the　shady　time　of　evening。
This　she　did；　and　by　the　time　that　she　retraced　her　steps　towards　the　scene　of　the　gipsying；　which　it　was　necessary　to　repass　on　her　way　to　Alderworth；　the　sun　was　going　down。　　The　air　was　now　so　still　that　she　could　hear　the　band　afar　off；　and　it　seemed　to　be　playing　with　more　spirit；　if　that　were　possible；　than　when　she　had　e　away。　　On　reaching　the　hill　the　sun　had　quite　disappeared；　but　this　made　little　difference　either　to　Eustacia　or　to　the　revellers；　for　a　round　yellow　moon　was　rising　before　her；　though　its　rays　had　not　yet　outmastered　those　from　the　west。　　The　dance　was　going　on　just　the　same；　but　strangers　had　arrived　and　formed　a　ring　around　the　figure；　so　that　Eustacia　could　stand　among　these　without　a　chance　of　being　recognized。　
A　whole　village…full　of　sensuous　emotion；　scattered　abroad　all　the　year　long；　surged　here　in　a　focus　for　an　hour。　　The　forty　hearts　of　those　waving　couples　were　beating　as　they　had　not　done　since；　twelve　months　before；　they　had　e　together　in　similar　jollity。　　For　the　time　paganism　was　revived　in　their　hearts；　the　pride　of　life　was　all　in　all；　and　they　adored　none　other　than　themselves。　
How　many　of　those　impassioned　but　temporary　embraces　were　destined　to　bee　perpetual　was　possibly　the　wonder　of　some　of　those　who　indulged　in　them；　as　well　as　of　Eustacia　who　looked　on。　　She　began　to　envy　those　pirouetters；　to　hunger　for　the　hope　and　happiness　which　the　fascination　of　the　dance　seemed　to　engender　within　them。　　Desperately　fond　of　dancing　herself；　one　of　Eustacia’s　expectations　of　Pari