the wife and other stories-第7节

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could　it　have　happened　that　they　had　become　a　bone　of　contention　between　us？　It　was　just　as　though　pursuing　one　another　we　had　accidentally　run　up　to　the　altar　and　had　carried　on　a　quarrel　there。

〃Natalie；〃　I　said　softly　from　the　drawing…room；　〃hush；　hush！〃

To　cut　short　her　weeping　and　make　an　end　of　this　agonizing　state　of　affairs；　I　ought　to　have　gone　up　to　my　wife　and　comforted　her；　caressed　her；　or　apologized；　but　how　could　I　do　it　so　that　she　would　believe　me？　How　could　I　persuade　the　wild　duck；　living　in　captivity　and　hating　me；　that　it　was　dear　to　me；　and　that　I　felt　for　its　sufferings？　I　had　never　known　my　wife；　so　I　had　never　known　how　to　talk　to　her　or　what　to　talk　about。　Her　appearance　I　knew　very　well　and　appreciated　it　as　it　deserved；　but　her　spiritual；　moral　world；　her　mind；　her　outlook　on　life；　her　frequent　changes　of　mood；　her　eyes　full　of　hatred；　her　disdain；　the　scope　and　variety　of　her　reading　which　sometimes　struck　me；　or；　for　instance；　the　nun…like　expression　I　had　seen　on　her　face　the　day　before　　all　that　was　unknown　and　incomprehensible　to　me。　When　in　my　collisions　with　her　I　tried　to　define　what　sort　of　a　person　she　was；　my　psychology　went　no　farther　than　deciding　that　she　was　giddy；　impractical；　ill…tempered；　guided　by　feminine　logic；　and　it　seemed　to　me　that　that　was　quite　sufficient。　But　now　that　she　was　crying　I　had　a　passionate　desire　to　know　more。

The　weeping　ceased。　I　went　up　to　my　wife。　She　sat　up　on　the　couch；　and；　with　her　head　propped　in　both　hands；　looked　fixedly　and　dreamily　at　the　fire。

〃I　am　going　away　tomorrow　morning；〃　I　said。

She　said　nothing。　I　walked　across　the　room；　sighed；　and　said：

〃Natalie；　when　you　begged　me　to　go　away；　you　said：　'I　will　forgive　you　everything；　everything'　。　。　。　。　So　you　think　I　have　wronged　you。　I　beg　you　calmly　and　in　brief　terms　to　formulate　the　wrong　I've　done　you。〃

〃I　am　worn　out。　Afterwards；　some　time。　。　。〃　said　my　wife。

〃How　am　I　to　blame？〃　I　went　on。　〃What　have　I　done？　Tell　me：　you　are　young　and　beautiful；　you　want　to　live；　and　I　am　nearly　twice　your　age　and　hated　by　you；　but　is　that　my　fault？　I　didn't　marry　you　by　force。　But　if　you　want　to　live　in　freedom；　go；　I'll　give　you　your　liberty。　You　can　go　and　love　who　m　you　please。　。　。　。　I　will　give　you　a　divorce。〃

〃That's　not　what　I　want；〃　she　said。　〃You　know　I　used　to　love　you　and　always　thought　of　myself　as　older　than　you。　That's　all　nonsense。　。　。　。　You　are　not　to　blame　for　being　older　or　for　my　being　younger；　or　that　I　might　be　able　to　love　some　one　else　if　I　were　free；　but　because　you　are　a　difficult　person；　an　egoist；　and　hate　every　one。〃

〃Perhaps　so。　I　don't　know；〃　I　said。

〃Please　go　away。　You　want　to　go　on　at　me　till　the　morning；　but　I　warn　you　I　am　quite　worn　out　and　cannot　answer　you。　You　promised　me　to　go　to　town。　I　am　very　grateful；　I　ask　nothing　more。〃

My　wife　wanted　me　to　go　away；　but　it　was　not　easy　for　me　to　do　that。　I　was　dispirited　and　I　dreaded　the　big；　cheerless；　chill　rooms　that　I　was　so　weary　of。　Sometimes　when　I　had　an　ache　or　a　pain　as　a　child；　I　used　to　huddle　up　to　my　mother　or　my　nurse；　and　when　I　hid　my　face　in　the　warm　folds　of　their　dress；　it　seemed　to　me　as　though　I　were　hiding　from　the　pain。　And　in　the　same　way　it　seemed　to　me　now　that　I　could　only　hide　from　my　uneasiness　in　this　little　room　beside　my　wife。　I　sat　down　and　screened　away　the　light　from　my　eyes　with　my　hand。　。　。　。　There　was　a　stillness。

〃How　are　you　to　blame？〃　my　wife　said　after　a　long　silence；　looking　at　me　with　red　eyes　that　gleamed　with　tears。　〃You　are　very　well　educated　and　very　well　bred；　very　honest；　just；　and　high…principled；　but　in　you　the　effect　of　all　that　is　that　wherever　you　go　you　bring　suffocation；　oppression；　something　insulting　and　humiliating　to　the　utmost　degree。　You　have　a　straightforward　way　of　looking　at　things；　and　so　you　hate　the　whole　world。　You　hate　those　who　have　faith；　because　faith　is　an　expression　of　ignorance　and　lack　of　culture；　and　at　the　same　time　you　hate　those　who　have　no　faith　for　having　no　faith　and　no　ideals；　you　hate　old　people　for　being　conservative　and　behind　the　times；　and　young　people　for　free…thinking。　The　interests　of　the　peasantry　and　of　Russia　are　dear　to　you；　and　so　you　hate　the　peasants　because　you　suspect　every　one　of　them　of　being　a　thief　and　a　robber。　You　hate　every　one。　You　are　just；　and　always　take　your　stand　on　your　legal　rights；　and　so　you　are　always　at　law　with　the　peasants　and　your　neighbours。　You　have　had　twenty　bushels　of　rye　stolen；　and　your　love　of　order　has　made　you　complain　of　the　peasants　to　the　Governor　and　all　the　local　authorities；　and　to　send　a　complaint　of　the　local　authorities　to　Petersburg。　Legal　justice！〃　said　my　wife；　and　she　laughed。　〃On　the　ground　of　your　legal　rights　and　in　the　interests　of　morality；　you　refuse　to　give　me　a　passport。　Law　and　morality　is　such　that　a　self…respecting　healthy　young　woman　has　to　spend　her　life　in　idleness；　in　depression；　and　in　continual　apprehension；　and　to　receive　in　return　board　and　lodging　from　a　man　she　does　not　love。　You　have　a　thorough　knowledge　of　the　law；　you　are　very　honest　and　just；　you　respect　marriage　and　family　life；　and　the　effect　of　all　that　is　that　all　your　life　you　have　not　done　one　kind　action；　that　every　one　hates　you；　that　you　are　on　bad　terms　with　every　one；　and　the　seven　years　that　you　have　been　married　you've　only　lived　seven　months　with　your　wife。　You've　had　no　wife　and　I've　had　no　husband。　To　live　with　a　man　like　you　is　impossible；　there　is　no　way　of　doing　it。　In　the　early　years　I　was　frightened　with　you；　and　now　I　am　ashamed。　。　。　。　That's　how　my　best　years　have　been　wasted。　When　I　fought　with　you　I　ruined　my　temper；　grew　shrewish；　coarse；　timid；　mistrustful。　。　。　。　Oh；　but　what's　the　use　of　talking！　As　though　you　wanted　to　understand！　Go　upstairs；　and　God　be　with　you！〃

My　wife　lay　down　on　the　couch　and　sank　into　thought。

〃And　how　splendid；　how　enviable　life　might　have　been！〃　she　said　softly；　looking　reflectively　into　the　fire。　〃What　a　life　it　might　have　been！　There's　no　bringing　it　back　now。〃

Any　one　who　has　lived　in　the　country　in　winter　and　knows　those　long　dreary；　still　evenings　when　even　the　dogs　are　too　bored　to　bark　and　even　the　clocks　seem　weary　of　ticking；　and　any　one　who　on　such　evenings　has　been　troubled　by　awakening　conscience　and　has　moved　restlessly　about；　trying　now　to　smother　his　conscience；　now　to　interpret　it；　will　understand　the　distraction　and　the　pleasure　my　wife's　voice　gave　me　as　it　sounded　in　the　snug　little　room；　telling　me　I　was　a　bad　man。　I　did　not　understand　what　was　wanted　of　me　by　my　conscience；　and　my　wife；　translating　it　in　her　feminine　way；　made　clear　to　me　in　the　meaning　of　my　agitation。　As　often　before　in　the　moments　of　intense　uneasiness；　I　guessed　that　the　whole　secret　lay；　not　in　the　starving　peasants；　but　in　my　not　being　the　sort　of　a　man　I　ought　to　be。

My　wife　got　up　with　an　effort　and　came　up　to　me。

〃Pavel　Andreitch；〃　she　said；　smiling　mournfully；　〃forgive　me；　I　don't　believe　you：　you　are　not　going　away；　but　I　will　ask　you　one　more　favour。　Call　this〃　　she　pointed　to　her　papers　　〃self…deception；　feminine　logic；　a　mistake；　as　you　like；　but　do　not　hinder　me。　It's　all　that　is　left　me　in　life。〃　She　turned　away　and　paused。　〃Before　this　I　had　nothing。　I　have　wasted　my　youth　in　fighting　with　you。　Now　I　have　caught　at　this　and　am　living；　I　am　happy。　。　。　。　It　seems　to　me　that　I　have　found　in　this　a　means　of　justifying　my　existence。〃

〃Natalie；　you　are　a　good　woman；　a　woman　of　ideas；〃　I　said；　looking　at　my　wife　enthusiastically；　and　everything　you　say　and　do　is　intelligent　and　fine。〃

I　walked　about　the　room　to　conceal　my　emotion。

〃Natalie；〃　I　went　on　a　minute　later；　〃before　I　go　away；　I　beg　of　you　as　a　special　favour；　help　me　to　do　something　for　the　starving　peasants！〃

〃What　can　I　do？〃　said　my　wife；　shrugging　her　shoulders。　〃Here's　the　subscription　list。〃

She　rummaged　among　the　papers　and　found　the　subscription　list。

〃Subscribe　some　money；〃　she　said；　and　from　her　tone　I　could　see　that　she　did　not　attach　great　importance　to　her　subscription　list；　〃that　is　the　only　way　in　which　you　can　take　part　in　the　work。〃

I　took　the　list　and　wrote：　〃Anonymous；　5；000。〃

In　this　〃anonymous〃　there　was　something　wrong；　false；　conceited；　but　I　only　realized　that　when　I　noticed　that　my　wife　flushed　very　red　and　hurriedly　thrust　the　list　into　the　heap　of　papers。　We　both　felt　ashamed；　I　felt　that　I　must　at　all　costs　efface　this　clumsiness　at　once；　or　else　I　should　feel　ashamed　afterwards；　in　the　train　and　at　Petersburg。　But　how　efface　it？　What　was　I　to　say？

〃I　fully　approve　of　what　you　are　doing；　Natalie；〃　I　said　genuinely；　〃and　I　wish　you　every　success。　But　allow　me　at　parting　to　give　you　one　piece　of　advice；　Natalie；　be　on　your　guard　with　Sobol；　and　with　your　assistants　generally；　and　don't　trust　them　blindly。　I　don't　say　they　are　not　honest；　but　they　are　not　gentlefolks；　they　are　people　with　no　ideas；　no　ideals；　no　faith；　with　no　aim　in　life；　no　definite　principles；　and　the　whole　object　of　their　life　is　comprised　in　the　rouble。　Rouble；　rouble；　rouble！〃　I　sighed。　〃They　are　fond　of　getting　money　easily；　for　nothing；　and　in　that　respect　the　better　educated　they　are　the　more　they　are　to　be　dreaded。〃

My　wife　went