a far country-第104节

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scientific　work　a　sentence　truly　religious！　　As　I　continued　to　read　these
works；　I　found　them　suffused　with　religion；　religion　of　a　kind　and
quality　I　had　not　imagined。　　The　birthright　of　the　spirit　of　man　was
freedom；　freedom　to　experiment；　to　determine；　to　createto　create
himself；　to　create　society　in　the　image　of　God！　　Spiritual　creation　the
function　of　cooperative　man　through　the　coming　ages；　the　task　that　was　to
make　him　divine。　　Here　indeed　was　the　germ　of　a　new　sanction；　of　a　new
motive；　of　a　new　religion　that　strangely　harmonized　with　the　concepts　of
the　oldonce　the　dynamic　power　of　these　was　revealed。

I　had　been　thinking　of　my　familyof　my　family　in　terms　of　Matthewand
yet　with　a　growing　yearning　that　embraced　them　all。　　I　had　not　informed
Maude　of　my　illness；　and　I　had　managed　to　warn　Tom　Peters　not　to　do　so。
I　had　simply　written　her　that　after　the　campaign　I　had　gone　for　a　rest　to
California；　yet　in　her　letters　to　me；　after　this　information　had　reached
her；　I　detected　a　restrained　anxiety　and　affection　that　troubled　me。
Sequences　of　words　curiously　convey　meanings　and　implications　that
transcend　their　literal　sense；　true　thoughts　and　feelings　are　difficult
to　disguise　even　in　written　speech。　　Could　it　be　possible　after　all　that
had　happened　that　Maude　still　loved　me？　　I　continually　put　the　thought
away　from　me；　but　continually　it　returned　to　haunt　me。　　Suppose　Maude
could　not　help　loving　me；　in　spite　of　my　weaknesses　and　faults；　even　as　I
loved　Nancy　in　spite　of　hers？　　Love　is　no　logical　thing。

It　was　Matthew　I　wanted；　Matthew　of　whom　I　thought；　and　trivial；　long…
forgotten　incidents　of　the　past　kept　recurring　to　me　constantly。　　I　still
received　his　weekly　letters；　but　he　did　not　ask　why；　since　I　had　taken　a
vacation；　I　had　not　come　over　to　them。　　He　represented　the　medium；　the
link　between　Maude　and　me　that　no　estrangement；　no　separation　could
break。

All　this　new　vision　of　mine　was　for　him；　for　the　coming　generation；　the
soil　in　which　it　must　be　sown；　the　Americans　of　the　future。　　And　who　so
well　as　Matthew；　sensitive　yet　brave；　would　respond　to　it？　　I　wished　not
only　to　give　him　what　I　had　begun　to　grasp；　to　study　with　him；　to　be　his
companion　and　friend；　but　to　spare　him；　if　possible；　some　of　my　own
mistakes　and　sufferings　and　punishments。　　But　could　I　go　back？　　Happy
coincidences　of　desires　and　convictions　had　been　so　characteristic　of
that　other　self　I　had　been　struggling　to　cast　off：　I　had　so　easily　been
persuaded；　when　I　had　had　a　chance　of　getting　Nancy；　that　it　was　the
right　thing　to　do！　　And　now；　in　my　loneliness；　was　I　not　growing　just　as
eager　to　be　convinced　that　it　was　my　duty　to　go　back　to　the　family　which
in　the　hour　of　self…sufficiency　I　had　cast　off？　　I　had　believed　in
divorce　thenwhy　not　now？　　Well；　I　still　believed　in　it。　　I　had　thought
of　a　union　with　Nancy　as　something　that　would　bring　about　the　〃self…
realization　that　springs　from　the　gratification　of　a　great　passion；〃an
appealing　phrase　I　had　read　somewhere。　　But；　it　was　at　least　a　favourable
symptom　that　I　was　willing　now　to　confess　that　the　〃self…realization〃　had
been　a　secondary　and　sentimental　consideration；　a　rosy；　self…created　halo
to　give　a　moral　and　religious　sanction　to　my　desire。　　Was　I　not　trying　to
do　that　very　thing　now？　　It　tortured　me　to　think　so；　I　strove　to　achieve
a　detached　consideration　of　the　problem；to　arrive　at　length　at　a
thought　that　seemed　illuminating：　that　the　it　wrongness〃　or　〃rightness；〃
utility　and　happiness　of　all　such　unions　depend　upon　whether　or　not　they
become　a　part　of　the　woof　and　warp　of　the　social　fabric；　in　other　words；
whether　the　gratification　of　any　particular　love　by　divorce　and
remarriage　does　or　does　not　tend　to　destroy　a　portion　of　that　fabric。
Nancy　certainly　would　have　been　justified　in　divorce。　　It　did　not　seem　in
the　retrospect　that　I　would　have　been：　surely　not　if；　after　I　had　married
Nancy；　I　had　developed　this　view　of　life　that　seemed　to　me　to　be　the　true
view。　　I　should　have　been　powerless　to　act　upon　it。　　But　the　chances　were
I　should　not　have　developed　it；　since　it　would　seem　that　any　salvation
for　me　at　least　must　come　precisely　through　suffering；　through　not
getting　what　I　wanted。　　Was　this　equivocating？

My　mistake　had　been　in　marrying　Maude　instead　of　Nancya　mistake　largely
due　to　my　saturation　with　a　false　idea　of　life。　　Would　not　the　attempt　to
cut　loose　from　the　consequences　of　that　mistake　in　my　individual　case
have　been　futile？　　But　there　was　a　remedy　for　itthe　remedy　Krebs　had
suggested：　I　might　still　prevent　my　children　from　making　such　a　mistake；
I　might　help　to　create　in　them　what　I　might　have　been；　and　thus　find　a
solution　for　myself。　　My　errors　would　then　assume　a　value。

But　the　question　tortured　me：　would　Maude　wish　it？　　Would　it　be　fair　to
her　if　she　did　not？　　By　my　long　neglect　I　had　forfeited　the　right　to　go。
And　would　she　agree　with　my　point　of　view　if　she　did　permit　me　to　stay？
I　had　less　concern　on　this　score；　a　feeling　that　that　development　of
hers；　which　once　had　irritated　me；　was　in　the　same　direction　as　my
own。。。。

I　have　still　strangely　to　record　moments　when；　in　spite　of　the
aspirations　I　had　achieved；　of　the　redeeming　vision　I　had　gained；　at　the
thought　of　returning　to　her　I　revolted。　　At　such　times　recollections　came
into　my　mind　of　those　characteristics　in　her　that　had　seemed　most
responsible　for　my　alienation。。。。　　That　demon　I　had　fed　so　mightily　still
lived。　　By　what　righthe　seemed　to　askhad　I　nourished　him　all　these
years　if　now　I　meant　to　starve　him？　　Thus　sometimes　he　defied　me；　took　on
Protean　guises；　blustered；　insinuated；　cajoled；　managed　to　make　me
believe　that　to　starve　him　would　be　to　starve　myself；　to　sap　all　there
was　of　power　in　me。　　Let　me　try　and　see　if　I　could　do　it！　　Again　he
whispered；　to　what　purpose　had　I　gained　my　liberty；　if　now　I　renounced
it？　　I　could　not　live　in　fetters；　even　though　the　fetters　should　be　self…
imposed。　　I　was　lonely　now；　but　I　would　get　over　that；　and　life　lay
before　me　still。

Fierce　and　tenacious；　steel　in　the　cruelty　of　his　desires；　fearful　in　the
havoc　he　had　wrought；　could　he　be　subdued？　　Foiled；　he　tore　and　rent
me。。。。

One　morning　I　rode　up　through　the　shady　canon；　fragrant　with　bay；　to　the
open　slopes　stained　smoky…blue　by　the　wild　lilac；　where　the　twisted
madrona　grows。　　As　I　sat　gazing　down　on　tiny　headlands　jutting　out　into　a
vast　ocean　my　paralyzing　indecision　came　to　an　end。　　I　turned　my　horse
down　the　trail　again。　　I　had　seen　at　last　that　life　was　bigger　than　I；
bigger　than　Maude；　bigger　than　our　individual　wishes　and　desires。　　I　felt
as　though　heavy　shackles　had　been　struck　from　me。　　As　I　neared　the　house
I　spied　my　young　doctor　in　the　garden　path；　his　hands　in　his　pockets
watching　a　humming…bird　poised　over　the　poppies。　　He　greeted　me　with　a
look　that　was　not　wholly　surprise　at　my　early　return；　that　seemed　to　have
in　it　something　of　gladness。

〃Strafford；〃　I　said；　〃I've　made　up　my　mind　to　go　to　Europe。〃

〃I　have　been　thinking　for　some　time；　Mr。　Paret；〃　he　replied；　〃that　a　sea…
voyage　is　just　what　you　need　to　set　you　on　your　feet。〃

I　started　eastward　the　next　morning；　arriving　in　New　York　in　time　to
catch　one　of　the　big　liners　sailing　for　Havre。　　On　my　way　across　the
continent　I　decided　to　send　a　cable　to　Maude　at　Paris；　since　it　were　only
fair　to　give　her　an　opportunity　to　reflect　upon　the　manner　in　which　she
would　meet　the　situation。　　Save　for　an　impatience　which　at　moments　I
restrained　with　difficulty；　the　moods　that　succeeded　one　another　as　I
journeyed　did　not　differ　greatly　from　those　I　had　experienced　in　the　past
month。　　I　was　alternately　exalted　and　depressed；　I　hoped　and　doubted　and
feared；　my　courage；　my　confidence　rose　and　fell。　　And　yet　I　was　aware　of
the　nascence　within　me　of　an　element　that　gave　me　a　stability　I　had
hitherto　lacked：　I　had　made　my　decision；　and　I　felt　the　stronger　for　it。

It　was　early　in　March。　　The　annual　rush　of　my　countrymen　and　women　for
foreign　shores　had　not　as　yet　begun；　the　huge　steamer　was　far　from
crowded。　　The　faint　throbbing　of　her　engines　as　she　glided　out　on　the
North　River　tide　found　its　echo　within　me　as　I　leaned　on　the　heavy　rail
and　watched　the　towers　of　the　city　receding　in　the　mist；　they　became
blurred　and　ghostlike；　fantastic　in　the　grey　distance；　sad；　appealing
with　a　strange　beauty　and　power。　　Once　the　sight　of　them；　sunlit；
standing　forth　sharply　against　the　high　blue　of　American　skies；　had
stirred　in　me　that　passion　for　wealth　and　power　of　which　they　were　so
marvellously　and　uniquely　the　embodiment。　　I　recalled　the　bright　day　of
my　home…coming　with　Maude；　when　she　too　had　felt　that　passion　drawing　me
away　from　her；　after　the　briefest　of　possessions。。。。　　Well；　I　had　had　it；
the　power。　　I　had　stormed　and　gained　entrance　to　the　citadel　itself。　　I
might　have　lived　here　in　New　York；　secure；　defiant　of　a　veering　public
opinion　that　envied　while　it　strove　to　sting。　　Why　was　I　flinging　it　all
away？　　Was　this　a　sudden　resolution　of　mine；　forced　by　events；
precipitated　by　a　failure　to　achieve　what　of　all　things　on　earth　I　had
most　desired？　　or　was　it　the　inevitable　result　of　the　development　of　the
Hugh　Paret　of　earlier