crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第59节
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eccentric and pinched her hand too much； in her anxiety over her Rodya
she looked on his presence as providential and was unwilling to notice
all his peculiarities。 But though Avdotya Romanovna shared her
anxiety； and was not of timorous disposition； she could not see the
glowing light in his eyes without wonder and almost alarm。 It was only
the unbounded confidence inspired by Nastasya's account of her
brother's queer friend； which prevented her from trying to run away
from him； and to persuade her mother to do the same。 She realised；
too； that even running away was perhaps impossible now。 Ten minutes
later； however； she was considerably reassured； it was
characteristic of Razumihin that he showed his true nature at once；
whatever mood he might be in； so that people quickly saw the sort of
man they had to deal with。
〃You can't go to the landlady； that's perfect nonsense！〃 he cried。
〃If you stay； though you are his mother； you'll drive him to a frenzy；
and then goodness knows what will happen！ Listen； I'll tell you what
I'll do： Nastasya will stay with him now； and I'll conduct you both
home； you can't be in the streets alone； Petersburg is an awful
place in that way。。。 But no matter！ Then I'll run straight back here
and a quarter of an hour later； on my word of honour； I'll bring you
news how he is； whether he is asleep； and all that。 Then； listen！ Then
I'll run home in a twinkling… I've a lot of friends there； all
drunk… I'll fetch Zossimov… that's the doctor who is looking after
him； he is there； too； but he is not drunk； he is not drunk； he is
never drunk！ I'll drag him to Rodya； and then to you； so that you'll
get two reports in the hour… from the doctor； you understand； from the
doctor himself； that's a very different thing from my account of
him！ If there's anything wrong； I swear I'll bring you here myself；
but； if it's all right； you go to bed。 And I'll spend the night
here； in the passage； he won't hear me； and I'll tell Zossimov to
sleep at the landlady's； to be at hand。 Which is better for him： you
or the doctor？ So come home then！ But the landlady is out of the
question； it's all right for me； but it's out of the question for you：
she wouldn't take you； for she's。。。 for she's a fool。。。 She'd be
jealous on my account of Avdotya Romanovna and of you； too； if you
want to know。。。 of Avdotya Romanovna certainly。 She is an
absolutely； absolutely unaccountable character！ But I am a fool；
too！。。。 No matter！ Come along！ Do you trust me？ Come； do you trust
me or not？〃
〃Let us go； mother；〃 said Avdotya Romanovna； 〃he will certainly do
what he has promised。 He has saved Rodya already； and if the doctor
really will consent to spend the night here； what could be better？〃
〃You see； you。。。 you。。。 understand me； because you are an angel！〃
Razumihin cried in ecstasy； 〃let us go！ Nastasya！ Fly upstairs and sit
with him with a light； I'll come in a quarter of an hour。〃
Though Pulcheria Alexandrovna was not perfectly convinced； she
made no further resistance。 Razumihin gave an arm to each and drew
them down the stairs。 He still made her uneasy； as though he was
competent and good…natured； was he capable of carrying out his
promise？ He seemed in such a condition。。。。
〃Ah； I see you think I am in such a condition！〃 Razumihin broke in
upon her thoughts； guessing them； as he strolled along the pavement
with huge steps； so that the two ladies could hardly keep up with him；
a fact he did not observe； however。 〃Nonsense！ That is。。。 I am drunk
like a fool； but that's not it； I am not drunk from wine。 It's
seeing you has turned my head。。。 But don't mind me！ Don't take any
notice： I am talking nonsense； I am not worthy of you。。。 I am
utterly unworthy of you！ The minute I've taken you home； I'll pour a
couple of pailfuls of water over my head in the gutter here； and
then I shall be all right。。。 If only you knew how I love you both！
Don't laugh； and don't be angry！ You may be angry with any one； but
not with me！ I am his friend； and therefore I am your friend； too； I
want to be。。。 I had a presentiment。。。 Last year there was a
moment。。。 though it wasn't a presentiment really； for you seem to have
fallen from heaven。 And I expect I shan't sleep all night。。。
Zossimov was afraid a little time ago that he would go mad。。。 that's
why he mustn't be irritated。〃
〃What do you say？〃 cried the mother。
〃Did the doctor really say that？〃 asked Avdotya Romanovna； alarmed。
〃Yes； but it's not so； not a bit of it。 He gave him some medicine； a
powder； I saw it； and then your coming here。。。。 Ah！ It would have been
better if you had come to…morrow。 It's a good thing we went away。
And in an hour Zossimov himself will report to you about everything。
He is not drunk！ And I shan't be drunk。。。 And what made me get so
tight？ Because they got me into an argument； damn them！ I've sworn
never to argue！ They talk such trash！ I almost came to blows！ I've
left my uncle to preside。 Would you believe； they insist on complete
absence of individualism and that's just what they relish！ Not to be
themselves； to be as unlike themselves as they can。 That's what they
regard as the highest point of progress。 If only their nonsense were
their own； but as it is。。。〃
〃Listen！〃 Pulcheria Alexandrovna interrupted timidly； but it only
added fuel to the flames。
〃What do you think？〃 shouted Razumihin； louder than ever； 〃you think
I am attacking them for talking nonsense？ Not a bit！ I like them to
talk nonsense。 That's man's one privilege over all creation。 Through
error you come to the truth！ I am a man because I err！ You never reach
any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred
and fourteen。 And a fine thing； too； in its way； but we can't even
make mistakes on our own account！ Talk nonsense； but talk your own
nonsense； and I'll kiss you for it。 To go wrong in one's own way is
better than to go right in some one else's。 In the first case you
are a man； in the second you're no better than a bird。 Truth won't
escape you； but life can be cramped。 There have been examples。 And
what are we doing now？ In science； development； thought； invention；
ideals； aims； liberalism； judgment； experience and everything；
everything； everything； we are still in the preparatory class at
school。 We prefer to live on other people's ideas； it's what we are
used to！ Am I right； am I right？〃 cried Razumihin； pressing and
shaking the two ladies' hands。
〃Oh； mercy； I do not know；〃 cried poor Pulcheria Alexandrovna。
〃Yes； yes。。。 though I don't agree with you in everything；〃 added
Avdotya Romanovna earnestly and at once uttered a cry； for he squeezed
her hand so painfully。
〃Yes； you say yes。。。 well after that you。。。 you。。。〃 he cried in a
transport； 〃you are a fount of goodness； purity； sense。。。 and
perfection。 Give me your hand。。。 you give me yours； too！ I want to
kiss your hands here at once； on my knees。。。〃 and he fell on his knees
on the pavement； fortunately at that time deserted。
〃Leave off； I entreat you； what are you doing？〃 Pulcheria
Alexandrovna cried； greatly distressed。
〃Get up； get up！〃 said Dounia laughing； though she； too； was upset。
〃Not for anything till you let me kiss your hands！ That's it！
Enough！ I get up and we'll go on！ I am a luckless fool； I am
unworthy of you and drunk。。。 and I am ashamed。。。。 I am not worthy to
love you； but to do homage to you is the duty of every man who is
not a perfect beast！ And I've done homage。。。。 Here are your
lodgings； and for that alone Rodya was right in driving your Pyotr
Petrovitch away。。。。 How dare he！ how dare he put you in such lodgings！
It's a scandal！ Do you know the so
