crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第18节
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〃You'll kill her；〃 shouted the third。
〃Don't meddle！ It's my property。 I'll do what I choose。 Get in； more
of you！ Get in； all of you！ I will have her go at a gallop！。。。〃
All at once laughter broke into a roar and covered everything： the
mare； roused by the shower of blows； began feebly kicking。 Even the
old man could not help smiling。 To think of a wretched little beast
like that trying to kick！
Two lads in the crowd snatched up whips and ran to the mare to
beat her about the ribs。 One ran each side。
〃Hit her in the face； in the eyes； in the eyes；〃 cried Mikolka。
〃Give us a song； mates；〃 shouted some one in the cart and every
one in the cart joined in a riotous song； jingling a tambourine and
whistling。 The woman went on cracking nuts and laughing。
。。。He ran beside the mare； ran in front of her； saw her being
whipped across the eyes； right in the eyes！ He was crying； he felt
choking； his tears were streaming。 One of the men gave him a cut
with the whip across the face； he did not feel it。 Wringing his
hands and screaming； he rushed up to the grey…headed old man with
the grey beard； who was shaking his head in disapproval。 One woman
seized him by the hand and would have taken him away； but he tore
himself from her and ran back to the mare。 She was almost at the
last gasp； but began kicking once more。
〃I'll teach you to kick；〃 Mikolka shouted ferociously。 He threw down
the whip； bent forward and picked up from the bottom of the cart a
long； thick shaft； he took hold of one end with both hands and with an
effort brandished it over the mare。
〃He'll crush her；〃 was shouted round him。 〃He'll kill her！〃
〃It's my property；〃 shouted Mikolka and brought the shaft down
with a swinging blow。 There was a sound of a heavy thud。
〃Thrash her； thrash her！ Why have you stopped？〃 shouted voices in
the crowd。
And Mikolka swung the shaft a second time and it fell a second
time on the spine of the luckless mare。 She sank back on her haunches；
but lurched forward and tugged forward with all her force； tugged
first on one side and then on the other； trying to move the cart。
But the six whips were attacking her in all directions； and the
shaft was raised again and fell upon her a third time； then a
fourth； with heavy measured blows。 Mikolka was in a fury that he could
not kill her at one blow。
〃She's a tough one；〃 was shouted in the crowd。
〃She'll fall in a minute； mates； there will soon be an end of
her；〃 said an admiring spectator in the crowd。
〃Fetch an axe to her！ Finish her off；〃 shouted a third。
〃I'll show you！ Stand off；〃 Mikolka screamed frantically； he threw
down the shaft； stooped down in the cart and picked up an iron
crowbar。 〃Look out；〃 he shouted； and with all his might he dealt a
stunning blow at the poor mare。 The blow fell； the mare staggered；
sank back； tried to pull； but the bar fell again with a swinging
blow on her back and she fell on the ground like a log。
〃Finish her off；〃 shouted Mikolka and he leapt beside himself； out
of the cart。 Several young men； also flushed with drink； seized
anything they could come across… whips； sticks； poles； and ran to
the dying mare。 Mikolka stood on one side and began dealing random
blows with the crowbar。 The mare stretched out her head； drew a long
breath and died。
〃You butchered her；〃 some one shouted in the crowd。
〃Why wouldn't she gallop then？〃
〃My property！〃 shouted Mikolka； with bloodshot eyes； brandishing the
bar in his hands。 He stood as though regretting that he had nothing
more to beat。
〃No mistake about it； you are not a Christian；〃 many voices were
shouting in the crowd。
But the poor boy； beside himself； made his way screaming through the
crowd to the sorrel nag； put his arms round her bleeding dead head and
kissed it； kissed the eyes and kissed the lips。。。。 Then he jumped up
and flew in a frenzy with his little fists out at Mikolka。 At that
instant his father who had been running after him； snatched him up and
carried him out of the crowd。
〃Come along； come！ Let us go home；〃 he said to him。
〃Father！ Why did they。。。 kill。。。 the poor horse！〃 he sobbed； but his
voice broke and the words came in shrieks from his panting chest。
〃They are drunk。。。。 They are brutal。。。 it's not our business！〃
said his father。 He put his arms round his father but he felt
choked； choked。 He tried to draw a breath； to cry out… and woke up。
He waked up； gasping for breath； his hair soaked with
perspiration； and stood up in terror。
〃Thank God； that was only a dream；〃 he said； sitting down under a
tree and drawing deep breaths。 〃But what is it？ Is it some fever
coming on？ Such a hideous dream！〃
He felt utterly broken； darkness and confusion were in his soul。
He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned his head on his hands。
〃Good God！〃 he cried； 〃can it be； can it be； that I shall really
take an axe； that I shall strike her on the head； split her skull
open。。。 that I shall tread in the sticky warm blood； break the lock；
steal and tremble； hide； all spattered in the blood。。。 with the
axe。。。。 Good God； can it be？〃
He was shaking like a leaf as he said this。
〃But why am I going on like this？〃 he continued； sitting up again；
as it were in profound amazement。 〃I knew that I could never bring
myself to it； so what have I been torturing myself for till now？
Yesterday； yesterday； when I went to make that。。。 experiment；
yesterday I realised completely that I could never bear to do it。。。。
Why am I going over it again； then？ Why am I hesitating？ As I came
down the stairs yesterday； I said myself that it was base；
loathsome； vile； vile。。。 the very thought of it made me feel sick
and filled me with horror。
〃No； I couldn't do it； I couldn't do it！ Granted； granted that there
is no flaw in all that reasoning； that all that I have concluded
this last month is clear as day； true as arithmetic。。。。 My God！ Anyway
I couldn't bring myself to it！ I couldn't do it； I couldn't do it！
Why； why then am I still。。。？〃
He rose to his feet； looked round in wonder as though surprised at
finding himself in this place； and went towards the bridge。 He was
pale； his eyes glowed； he was exhausted in every limb； but he seemed
suddenly to breathe more easily。 He felt he had cast off that
fearful burden that had so long been weighing upon him； and all at
once there was a sense of relief and peace in his soul。 〃Lord；〃 he
prayed； 〃show me my path… I renounce that accursed。。。 dream of mine。〃
Crossing the bridge； he gazed quietly and calmly at the Neva； at the
glowing red sun setting in the glowing sky。 In spite of his weakness
he was not conscious of fatigue。 It was as though an abscess that
had been forming for a month past in his heart had suddenly broken。
Freedom； freedom！ He was free from that spell； that sorcery； that
obsession！
Later on； when he recalled that time and all that happened to him
during those days； minute by minute； point by point； he was
superstitiously impressed by one circumstance； which though in
itself not very exceptional； always seemed to him afterwards the
predestined turning…point of his fate。 He could never understand and
explain to himself why； when he wa
