crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第12节
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will come to pass of itself； later on； and he will no doubt without
wasting words offer to do it of himself； （as though he could refuse
Dounia that） the more readily since you may by your own efforts become
his right hand in the office； and receive this assistance not as a
charity； but as a salary earned by your own work。 Dounia wants to
arrange it all like this and I quite agree with her。 And we have not
spoken of our plans for another reason； that is； because I
particularly wanted you to feel on an equal footing when you first
meet him。 When Dounia spoke to him with enthusiasm about you； he
answered that one could never judge of a man without seeing him close；
for oneself； and that he looked forward to forming his own opinion
when he makes your acquaintance。 Do you know； my precious Rodya； I
think that perhaps for some reasons （nothing to do with Pyotr
Petrovitch though； simply for my own personal； perhaps old…womanish；
fancies） I should do better to go on living by myself； apart； than
with them； after the wedding。 I am convinced that he will be
generous and delicate enough to invite me and to urge me to remain
with my daughter for the future； and if he has said nothing about it
hitherto； it is simply because it has been taken for granted； but I
shall refuse。 I have noticed more than once in my life that husbands
don't quite get on with their mothers…in…law； and I don't want to be
the least bit in any one's way； and for my own sake； too； would rather
be quite independent； so long as I have a crust of bread of my own；
and such children as you and Dounia。 If possible； I would settle
somewhere near you； for the most joyful piece of news； dear Rodya； I
have kept for the end of my letter： know then； my dear boy； that we
may； perhaps； be all together in a very short time and may embrace one
another again after a separation of almost three years！ It is
settled for certain that Dounia and I are to set off for Petersburg；
exactly when I don't know； but very； very soon； possibly in a week。 It
all depends on Pyotr Petrovitch who will let us know when he has had
time to look round him in Petersburg。 To suit his own arrangements
he is anxious to have the ceremony as soon as possible； even before
the fast of Our Lady； if it could be managed； or if that is too soon
to be ready； immediately after。 Oh； with what happiness I shall
press you to my heart！ Dounia is all excitement at the joyful
thought of seeing you； she said one day in joke that she would be
ready to marry Pyotr Petrovitch for that alone。 She is an angel！ She
is not writing anything to you now； and has only told me to write that
she has so much； so much to tell you that she is not going to take
up her pen now； for a few lines would tell you nothing； and it would
only mean upsetting herself； she bids me send you her love and
innumerable kisses。 But although we shall be meeting so soon；
perhaps I shall send you as much money as I can in a day or two。 Now
that every one has heard that Dounia is to marry Pyotr Petrovitch；
my credit has suddenly improved and I know that Afanasy Ivanovitch
will trust me now even to seventy…five roubles on the security of my
pension； so that perhaps I shall be able to send you twenty…five or
even thirty roubles。 I would send you more； but I am uneasy about
our travelling expenses； for though Pyotr Petrovitch has been so
kind as to undertake part of the expenses of the journey； that is to
say； he has taken upon himself the conveyance of our bags and big
trunk （which will be conveyed through some acquaintances of his）； we
must reckon upon some expenses on our arrival in Petersburg； where
we can't be left without a halfpenny； at least for the first few days。
But we have calculated it all； Dounia and I； to the last penny； and we
see that the journey will not cost very much。 It is only ninety versts
from us to the railway and we have come to an agreement with a
driver we know； so as to be in readiness； and from there Dounia and
I can travel quite comfortably third class。 So that I may very
likely be able to send to you not twenty…five； but thirty roubles。 But
enough； I have covered two sheets already and there is no space left
for more； our whole history； but so many events have happened！ And
now； my precious Rodya； I embrace you and send you a mother's blessing
till we meet。 Love Dounia your sister； Rodya； love her as she loves
you and understand that she loves you beyond everything； more than
herself。 She is an angel and you； Rodya； you are everything to us… our
one hope； our one consolation。 If only you are happy； we shall be
happy。 Do you still say your prayers； Rodya； and believe in the
mercy of our Creator and our Redeemer？ I am afraid in my heart that
you may have been visited by the new spirit of infidelity that is
abroad to…day！ If it is so； I pray for you。 Remember； dear boy； how in
your childhood； when your father was living； you used to lisp your
prayers at my knee； and how happy we all were in those days。 Good…bye；
till we meet then… I embrace you warmly； warmly； with many kisses。
〃Yours till death
〃PULCHERIA RASKOLNIKOV。〃
…
Almost from the first； while he read the letter； Raskolnikov's
face was wet with tears； but when he finished it； his face was pale
and distorted and a bitter； wrathful and malignant smile was on his
lips。 He laid his head down on his threadbare dirty pillow and
pondered； pondered a long time。 His heart was beating violently； and
his brain was in a turmoil。 At last he felt cramped and stifled in the
little yellow room that was like a cupboard or a box。 His eyes and his
mind craved for space。 He took up his hat and went out； this time
without dread of meeting any one； he had forgotten his dread。 He
turned in the direction of the Vassilyevsky Ostrov； walking along
Vassilyevsky Prospect； as though hastening on some business； but he
walked； as his habit was； without noticing his way； muttering and even
speaking aloud to himself； to the astonishment of the passers…by。 Many
of them took him to be drunk。
Chapter Four
HIS MOTHER'S letter had been a torture to him； but as regards the
chief fact in it； he had felt not one moment's hesitation； even whilst
he was reading the letter。 The essential question was settled； and
irrevocably settled； in his mind： 〃Never such a marriage while I am
alive and Mr。 Luzhin be damned；〃 〃The thing is perfectly clear；〃 he
muttered to himself； with a malignant smile anticipating the triumph
of his decision。 〃No； mother； no； Dounia； you won't deceive me！ and
then they apologise for not asking my advice and for taking the
decision without me！ I dare say！ They imagine it is arranged now and
can't be broken off； but we will see whether it can or not！ A
magnificent excuse： 'Pyotr Petrovitch is such a busy man that even his
wedding has to be in post…haste； almost by express。' No； Dounia； I see
it all and I know what you want to say to me； and I know too what
you were thinking about； when you walked up and down all night； and
what your prayers were like before the Holy Mother of Kazan who stands
in mother's bedroom。 Bitter is the ascent to Golgotha。。。。 Hm。。。 so
it is finally settled； you have determined to marry a sensible
business man； Avdotya Romanovna； one who has a fortune （has already
made his fortune； that is so much more solid and impressive） a man who
holds two government posts and who shares the ideas of our most rising
generation； as mother writes； and who seems to be kind； as Dounia
herself observes。 That seems beats everything！ And that very Dounia
for that very 'seems' is marrying him！ Splendid！ splendid！
〃。。。But I should like to know why mother has written to me about
'our most rising generation'？ S
