2 new moon新月-第14节

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I　did　not　resurface。　

OCTOBER　




NOVEMBER　

DECEMBER　




JANUARY　




4。　WAKING　UP　




TIME　PASSES。　EVEN　WHEN　IT　SEEMS　IMPOSSIBLE。　EVEN　when　each　tick　of　the　second　hand　
aches　like　the　pulse　of　blood　behind　a　bruise。　It　passes　unevenly；　in　strange　lurches　and　dragging　lulls；　but　
pass　it　does。　Even　for　me。　




CHARLIE'S　FIST　CAME　DOWN　ON　THE　TABLE。　〃THAT'S　IT；　Bella！　I'm　sending　you　home。〃　

I　looked　up　from　my　cereal；　which　I　was　pondering　rather　than　eating；　and　stared　at　Charlie　in　shock。　I　
hadn't　been　following　the　conversation—actually；　I　hadn't　been　aware　that　we　were　having　a　
conversation—and　I　wasn't　sure　what　he　meant。　

〃I　am　home；〃　I　mumbled；　confused。　

〃I'm　sending　you　to　Renee；　to　Jacksonville；〃　he　clarified。　

Charlie　watched　with　exasperation　as　I　slowly　grasped　the　meaning　of　his　words。　

〃What　did　I　do？〃　I　felt　my　face　crumple。　It　was　so　unfair。　My　behavior　had　been　above　reproach　for　the　
past　four　months。　After　that　first　week；　which　neither　of　us　ever　mentioned；　I　hadn't　missed　a　day　of　
school　or　work。　My　grades　were　perfect。　I　never　broke　curfew—I　never　went　anywhere　from　which　to　
break　curfew　in　the　first　place。　I　only　very　rarely　served　leftovers。　

Charlie　was　scowling。　

〃You　didn't　do　anything。　That's　the　problem。　You　never　do　anything。〃　

〃You　want　me　to　get　into　trouble？〃　I　wondered；　my　eyebrows　pulling　together　in　mystification。　I　made　an　
effort　to　pay　attention。　It　wasn't　easy。　I　was　so　used　to　tuning　everything　out；　my　ears　felt　stopped　up。　

〃Trouble　would　be　better　than　this…　this　moping　around　all　the　time！〃　

That　stung　a　bit。　I'd　been　careful　to　avoid　all　forms　of　moroseness；　moping　included。　

〃I　am　not　moping　around。〃　

〃Wrong　word；〃　he　grudgingly　conceded。　〃Moping　would　be　better—that　would　be　doing　something。　
You're　just…　lifeless；　Bella。　I　think　that's　the　word　I　want。〃　

This　accusation　struck　home。　I　sighed　and　tried　to　put　some　animation　into　my　response。　

〃I'm　sorry；　Dad。〃　My　apology　sounded　a　little　flat；　even　to　me。　I'd　thought　I'd　been　fooling　him。　Keeping　
Charlie　from　suffering　was　the　whole　point　of　all　this　effort。　How　depressing　to　think　that　the　effort　had　
been　wasted。　

〃I　don't　want　you　to　apologize。〃　

I　sighed。　〃Then　tell　me　what　you　do　want　me　to　do。〃　

〃Bella；〃　he　hesitated；　scrutinizing　my　reaction　to　his　next　words。　〃Honey；　you're　not　the　first　person　to　go　
through　this　kind　of　thing；　you　know。〃　

〃I　know　that。〃　My　accompanying　grimace　was　limp　and　unimpressive。　

〃Listen；　honey。　I　think　that—that　maybe　you　need　some　help。〃　

〃Help？〃　

He　paused；　searching　for　the　words　again。　〃When　your　mother　left；〃　he　began；　frowning；　〃and　took　you　
with　her。〃　He　inhaled　deeply。　〃Well；　that　was　a　really　bad　time　for　me。〃　

〃I　know；　Dad；〃　I　mumbled。　

〃But　I　handled　it；〃　he　pointed　out。　〃Honey；　you're　not　handling　it。　I　waited；　I　hoped　it　would　get　better。〃　
He　stared　at　me　and　I　looked　down　quickly。　〃I　think　we　both　know　it's　not　getting　better。〃　

〃I'mfine。〃　

He　ignored　me。　〃Maybe；　well；　maybe　if　you　talked　to　someone　about　it。　A　professional。〃　

〃You　want　me　to　see　a　shrink？〃　My　voice　was　a　shade　sharper　as　I　realized　what　he　was　getting　at。　

〃Maybe　it　would　help。〃　

〃And　maybe　it　wouldn't　help　one　little　bit。〃　

I　didn't　know　much　about　psychoanalysis；　but　I　was　pretty　sure　that　it　didn't　work　unless　the　subject　was　
relatively　honest。　Sure；　I　could　tell　the　truth—if　I　wanted　to　spend　the　rest　of　my　life　in　a　padded　cell。　

He　examined　my　obstinate　expression；　and　switched　to　another　line　of　attack。　

〃It's　beyond　me；　Bella。　Maybe　your　mother—〃　

〃Look；〃　I　said　in　a　flat　voice。　〃I'll　go　out　tonight；　if　you　want。　I'll　call　Jess　or　Angela。〃　

〃That's　not　what　I　want；〃　he　argued；　frustrated。　〃I　don't　think　I　can　live　through　seeing　you　try　harder。　
I've　never　seen　anyone　trying　so　hard。　It　hurts　to　watch。〃　

I　pretended　to　be　dense；　looking　down　at　the　table。　〃I　don't　understand；　Dad。　First　you're　mad　because　
I'm　not　doing　anything；　and　then　you　say　you　don't　want　me　to　go　out。〃　

〃I　want　you　to　be　happy—no；　not　even　that　much。　I　just　want　you　not　to　be　miserable。　I　think　you'll　have　

a　better　chance　if　you　get　out　of　Forks。〃　

My　eyes　flashed　up　with　the　first　small　spark　of　feeling　I'd　had　in　too　long　to　contemplate。　

〃I'm　not　leaving；〃　I　said。　

〃Why　not？〃　he　demanded。　

〃I'm　in　my　last　semester　of　school—it　would　screw　everything　up。〃　

〃You're　a　good　student—you'll　figure　it　out。〃　

〃I　don't　want　to　crowd　Mom　and　Phil。〃　

〃Your　mother's　been　dying　to　have　you　back。〃　

〃Florida　is　too　hot。〃　

His　fist　came　down　on　the　table　again。　〃We　both　know　what's　really　going　on　here；　Bella；　and　it's　not　
good　for　you。〃　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃It's　been　months。　No　calls；　no　letters；　no　contact。　You　can't　keep　
waitingforhim。〃　

I　glowered　at　him。　The　heat　almost；　but　not　quite；　reached　my　face。　It　had　been　a　long　time　since　I'd　
blushed　with　any　emotion。　

This　whole　subject　was　utterly　forbidden；　as　he　was　well　aware。　

〃I'm　not　waiting　for　anything。　I　don't　expect　anything；〃　I　said　in　a　low　monotone。　

〃Bella—；〃　Charlie　began；　his　voice　thick。　

〃I　have　to　get　to　school；〃　I　interrupted；　standing　up　and　yanking　my　untouched　breakfast　from　the　table。　I　
dumped　my　bowl　in　the　sink　without　pausing　to　wash　it　out。　I　couldn't　deal　with　any　more　conversation。　

〃I'll　make　plans　with　Jessica；〃　I　called　over　my　shoulder　as　I　strapped　on　my　school　bag；　not　meeting　his　
eyes。　〃Maybe　I　won't　be　home　for　dinner。　We'll　go　to　Port　Angeles　and　watch　a　movie。〃　

I　was　out　the　front　door　before　he　could　react。　

In　my　haste　to　get　away　from　Charlie；　I　ended　up　being　one　of　the　first　ones　to　school。　The　plus　side　was　
that　I　got　a　really　good　parking　spot。　The　downside　was　that　I　had　free　time　on　my　hands；　and　I　tried　to　
avoid　free　time　at　all　costs。　

Quickly；　before　I　could　start　thinking　about　Charlie's　accusations；　I　pulled　out　my　Calculus　book。　I　
flipped　it　open　to　the　section　we　should　be　starting　today；　and　tried　to　make　sense　of　it。　Reading　math　
was　even　worse　than　listening　to　it；　but　I　was　getting　better　at　it。　In　the　last　several　months；　I'd　spent　ten　
times　the　amount　of　time　on　Calculus　than　I'd　ever　spent　on　math　before。　As　a　result；　I　was　managing　to　
keep　in　the　range　of　a　low　A。　I　knew　Mr。　Varner　felt　my　improvement　was　all　due　to　his　superior　
teaching　methods。　And　if　that　made　him　happy；　I　wasn't　going　to　burst　his　bubble。　

I　forced　myself　to　keep　at　it　until　the　parking　lot　was　full；　and　I　ended　up　rushing　to　English。　We　were　
working　on　Animal　Farm；　an　easy　subject　matter。　I　didn't　mind　communism；　it　was　a　welcome　change　
from　the　exhausting　romances　that　made　up　most　of　the　curriculum。　I　settled　into　my　seat；　pleased　by　the　
distraction　of　Mr。　Berty's　lecture。　

Time　moved　easily　while　I　was　in　school。　The　bell　rang　all　too　soon。　I　started　repacking　my　bag。　

〃Bella？〃　

I　recognized　Mike's　voice；　and　I　knew　what　his　next　words　would　be　before　he　said　them。　

〃Are　you　working　tomorrow？〃　

I　looked　up。　He　was　leaning　across　the　aisle　with　an　anxious　expression。　Every　Friday　he　asked　me　the　
same　question。　Never　mind　that　I　hadn't　taken　so　much　as　a　sick　day。　Well；　with　one　exception；　months　
ago。　But　he　had　no　reason　to　look　at　me　with　such　concern。　I　was　a　model　employee。　

〃Tomorrow　is　Saturday；　isn't　it？〃　I　said。　Having　just　had　it　pointed　out　to　me　by　Charlie；　I　realized　how　
lifeless　my　voice　really　sounded。　

〃Yeah；　it　is；〃　he　agreed。　〃See　you　in　Spanish。〃　He　waved　once　before　turning　his　back。　He　didn't　bother　
walking　me　to　class　anymore。　

I　trudged　off　to　Calculus　with　a　grim　expression。　This　was　the　class　where　I　sat　next　to　Jessica。　

It　had　been　weeks；　maybe　months；　since　Jess　had　even　greeted　me　when　I　passed　her　in　the　hall。　I　knew　
I　had　offended　her　with　my　antisocial　behavior；　and　she　was　sulking。　It　wasn't　going　to　be　easy　to　talk　to　
her　now—especially　to　ask　her　to　do　me　a　favor。　I　weighed　my　options　carefully　as　I　loitered　outside　the　
classroom；　procrastinating。　

I　wasn't　about　to　face　Charlie　again　without　some　kind　of　social　interaction　to　report。　I　knew　I　couldn't　
lie；　though　the　thought　of　driving　to　Port　Angeles　and　back　alone—being　sure　my　odometer　reflected　the　
correct　mileage；　just　in　case　he　checked—was　very　tempting。　Jessica's　mom　was　the　biggest　gossip　in　
town；　and　Charlie　was　bound　to　run　into　Mrs。　Stanley　sooner　rather　than　later。　When　he　did；　he　would　
no　doubt　mention　the　trip。　Lying　was　out。　

With　a　sigh；　I　shoved　the　door　open。　

Mr。　Varner　gave　me　a　dark　look—he'd　already　started　the　lecture。　I　hurried　to　my　seat。　Jessica　didn't　
look　up　as　I　sat　next　to　her。　I　was　glad　that　I　had　fifty　minutes　to　mentally　prepare　myself。　

This　class　flew　by　even　faster　than　English。　A　small　part　of　that　speed　was　due　to　my　goody…goody　
preparation　this　morning　in　the　truck—but　mostly　it　stemmed　from　the　fact　that　time　always　sped　up　when　
I　was　looking　forward　to　something　unpleasant。　

I　grimaced　when　Mr。　Varner　dismissed　the　class　five　minutes　early。　He　smiled　like　he　was　being　nice。　

〃Jess？〃　My　nose　wr