agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第38节
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house or transits past it； and； judging by Matilda's execrations and
reproaches； her sister paid more attention to him than civility required； in
other words； she carried on as animated a flirtation as the presence of her
parents would admit。 She made some attempts to bring Mr。 Hatfield
once more to her feet； but finding them unsuccessful； she repaid his
haughty indifference with still loftier scorn； and spoke of him with as
much disdain and detestation as she had formerly done of his curate。 But；
amid all this； she never for a moment lost sight of Mr。 Weston。 She
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embraced every opportunity of meeting him； tried every art to fascinate
him； and pursued him with as much perseverance as if she really loved
him and no other； and the happiness of her life depended upon eliciting a
return of affection。 Such conduct was completely beyond my
comprehension。 Had I seen it depicted in a novel； I should have thought
it unnatural； had I heard it described by others； I should have deemed it a
mistake or an exaggeration； but when I saw it with my own eyes； and
suffered from it too； I could only conclude that excessive vanity； like
drunkenness； hardens the heart； enslaves the faculties； and perverts the
feelings； and that dogs are not the only creatures which； when gorged to
the throat； will yet gloat over what they cannot devour； and grudge the
smallest morsel to a starving brother。
She now became extremely beneficent to the poor cottagers。 Her
acquaintance among them was more widely extended； her visits to their
humble dwellings were more frequent and excursive than they had ever
been before。 Hereby； she earned among them the reputation of a
condescending and very charitable young lady； and their encomiums were
sure to be repeated to Mr。 Weston： whom also she had thus a daily
chance of meeting in one or other of their abodes； or in her transits to and
fro； and often； likewise； she could gather； through their gossip； to what
places he was likely to go at such and such a time； whether to baptize a
child； or to visit the aged； the sick； the sad； or the dying； and most skilfully
she laid her plans accordingly。 In these excursions she would sometimes
go with her sister … whom； by some means； she had persuaded or bribed to
enter into her schemes … sometimes alone； never； now； with me； so that I
was debarred the pleasure of seeing Mr。 Weston； or hearing his voice even
in conversation with another： which would certainly have been a very
great pleasure； however hurtful or however fraught with pain。 I could not
even see him at church： for Miss Murray； under some trivial pretext； chose
to take possession of that corner in the family pew which had been mine
ever since I came； and； unless I had the presumption to station myself
between Mr。 and Mrs。 Murray； I must sit with my back to the pulpit； which
I accordingly did。
Now； also； I never walked home with my pupils： they said their
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mamma thought it did not look well to see three people out of the family
walking； and only two going in the carriage； and； as they greatly preferred
walking in fine weather； I should be honoured by going with the seniors。
'And besides；' said they； 'you can't walk as fast as we do； you know you're
always lagging behind。' I knew these were false excuses； but I made no
objections； and never contradicted such assertions； well knowing the
motives which dictated them。 And in the afternoons； during those six
memorable weeks； I never went to church at all。 If I had a cold； or any
slight indisposition； they took advantage of that to make me stay at home；
and often they would tell me they were not going again that day；
themselves； and then pretend to change their minds； and set off without
telling me： so managing their departure that I never discovered the
change of purpose till too late。 Upon their return home； on one of these
occasions； they entertained me with an animated account of a conversation
they had had with Mr。 Weston as they came along。 'And he asked if you
were ill； Miss Grey；' said Matilda； 'but we told him you were quite well；
only you didn't want to come to church … so he'll think you're turned
wicked。'
All chance meetings on week…days were likewise carefully prevented；
for； lest I should go to see poor Nancy Brown or any other person； Miss
Murray took good care to provide sufficient employment for all my leisure
hours。 There was always some drawing to finish； some music to copy； or
some work to do； sufficient to incapacitate me from indulging in anything
beyond a short walk about the grounds； however she or her sister might be
occupied。
One morning； having sought and waylaid Mr。 Weston； they returned in
high glee to give me an account of their interview。 'And he asked after
you again；' said Matilda； in spite of her sister's silent but imperative
intimation that she should hold her tongue。 'He wondered why you were
never with us； and thought you must have delicate health； as you came out
so seldom。'
'He didn't Matilda … what nonsense you're talking！'
'Oh； Rosalie； what a lie！ He did； you know； and you said … Don't；
Rosalie … hang it！ … I won't be pinched so！ And； Miss Grey； Rosalie told
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him you were quite well； but you were always so buried in your books that
you had no pleasure in anything else。'
'What an idea he must have of me！' I thought。
'And；' I asked； 'does old Nancy ever inquire about me？'
'Yes； and we tell her you are so fond of reading and drawing that you
can do nothing else。'
'That is not the case though； if you had told her I was so busy I could
not come to see her； it would have been nearer the truth。'
'I don't think it would；' replied Miss Murray； suddenly kindling up； 'I'm
sure you have plenty of time to yourself now； when you have so little
teaching to do。'
It was no use beginning to dispute with such indulged； unreasoning
creatures： so I held my peace。 I was accustomed； now； to keeping
silence when things distasteful to my ear were uttered； and now； too； I was
used to wearing a placid smiling countenance when my heart was bitter
within me。 Only those who have felt the like can imagine my feelings； as
I sat with an assumption of smiling indifference； listening to the accounts
of those meetings and interviews with Mr。 Weston； which they seemed to
find such pleasure in describing to me； and hearing things asserted of him
which； from the character of the man； I knew to be exaggerations and
perversions of the truth； if not entirely false … things derogatory to him；
and flattering to them … especially to Miss Murray … which I burned to
contradict； or； at least； to show my doubts about； but dared not； lest； in
expressing my disbelief； I should display my interest too。 Other things I
heard； which I felt or feared were indeed too true： but I must still conceal
my anxiety respecting him； my indignation against them； beneath a
careless aspect； others； again； mere hints of something said or done； which
I longed to hear more of； but could not venture to inquire。 So passed the
weary time。 I could not even comfort myself with saying； 'She will soon
be married； and then there may be hope。'
Soon after her marriage the holidays would come； and when I returned
from home； most likely； Mr。 Weston would be gone； for I was told that he
and the Rector could not agree （the Rector's fault； of cour
