agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第35节
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fault may be partly in myself； but I hope not altogether。'
'The fault is partly in society； and partly； I should think； in your
immediate neighbours： and partly； too； in yourself； for many ladies； in
your position； would make themselves be noticed and accounted of。 But
your pupils should be companions for you in some degree； they cannot be
many years younger than yourself。'
'Oh； yes； they are good company sometimes； but I cannot call them
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friends； nor would they think of bestowing such a name on me … they have
other companions better suited to their tastes。'
'Perhaps you are too wise for them。 How do you amuse yourself
when alone … do you read much？'
'Reading is my favourite occupation； when I have leisure for it and
books to read。'
From speaking of books in general； he passed to different books in
particular； and proceeded by rapid transitions from topic to topic； till
several matters； both of taste and opinion； had been discussed considerably
within the space of half an hour； but without the embellishment of many
observations from himself； he being evidently less bent upon
communicating his own thoughts and predilections； than on discovering
mine。 He had not the tact； or the art； to effect such a purpose by skilfully
drawing out my sentiments or ideas through the real or apparent statement
of his own； or leading the conversation by imperceptible gradations to
such topics as he wished to advert to： but such gentle abruptness； and
such single… minded straightforwardness； could not possibly offend me。
'And why should he interest himself at all in my moral and intellectual
capacities： what is it to him what I think or feel？' I asked myself。 And
my heart throbbed in answer to the question。
But Jane and Susan Green soon reached their home。 As they stood
parleying at the park…gates； attempting to persuade Miss Murray to come
in； I wished Mr。 Weston would go； that she might not see him with me
when she turned round； but； unfortunately； his business； which was to pay
one more visit to poor Mark Wood； led him to pursue the same path as we
did； till nearly the close of our journey。 When； however； he saw that
Rosalie had taken leave of her friends and I was about to join her； he
would have left me and passed on at a quicker pace； but； as he civilly
lifted his hat in passing her； to my surprise； instead of returning the salute
with a stiff； ungracious bow； she accosted him with one of her sweetest
smiles； and； walking by his side； began to talk to him with all imaginable
cheerfulness and affability； and so we proceeded all three together。
After a short pause in the conversation； Mr。 Weston made some remark
addressed particularly to me； as referring to something we had been
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talking of before； but before I could answer； Miss Murray replied to the
observation and enlarged upon it： he rejoined； and； from thence to the
close of the interview； she engrossed him entirely to herself。 It might be
partly owing to my own stupidity； my want of tact and assurance： but I
felt myself wronged： I trembled with apprehension； and I listened with
envy to her easy； rapid flow of utterance； and saw with anxiety the bright
smile with which she looked into his face from time to time： for she was
walking a little in advance； for the purpose （as I judged） of being seen as
well as heard。 If her conversation was light and trivial； it was amusing；
and she was never at a loss for something to say； or for suitable words to
express it in。 There was nothing pert or flippant in her manner now； as
when she walked with Mr。 Hatfield； there was only a gentle； playful kind
of vivacity； which I thought must be peculiarly pleasing to a man of Mr。
Weston's disposition and temperament。
When he was gone she began to laugh； and muttered to herself； 'I
thought I could do it！'
'Do what？' I asked。
'Fix that man。'
'What in the world do you mean？'
'I mean that he will go home and dream of me。 I have shot him
through the heart！'
'How do you know？'
'By many infallible proofs： more especially the look he gave me
when he went away。 It was not an impudent look … I exonerate him from
that … it was a look of reverential； tender adoration。 Ha； ha！ he's not quite
such a stupid blockhead as I thought him！'
I made no answer； for my heart was in my throat； or something like it；
and I could not trust myself to speak。 'O God； avert it！' I cried； internally
… 'for his sake； not for mine！'
Miss Murray made several trivial observations as we passed up the
park； to which （in spite of my reluctance to let one glimpse of my feelings
appear） I could only answer by monosyllables。 Whether she intended to
torment me； or merely to amuse herself； I could not tell … and did not much
care； but I thought of the poor man and his one lamb； and the rich man
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with his thousand flocks； and I dreaded I knew not what for Mr。 Weston；
independently of my own blighted hopes。
Right glad was I to get into the house； and find myself alone once
more in my own room。 My first impulse was to sink into the chair beside
the bed； and laying my head on the pillow； to seek relief in a passionate
burst of tears： there was an imperative craving for such an indulgence；
but； alas！ I must restrain and swallow back my feelings still： there was
the bell … the odious bell for the schoolroom dinner； and I must go down
with a calm face； and smile； and laugh； and talk nonsense … yes； and eat；
too； if possible； as if all was right； and I was just returned from a pleasant
walk。
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CHAPTER XVI … THE
SUBSTITUTION
NEXT Sunday was one of the gloomiest of April days … a day of thick；
dark clouds； and heavy showers。 None of the Murrays were disposed to
attend church in the afternoon； excepting Rosalie： she was bent upon
going as usual； so she ordered the carriage； and I went with her： nothing
loth； of course； for at church I might look without fear of scorn or censure
upon a form and face more pleasing to me than the most beautiful of God's
creations； I might listen without disturbance to a voice more charming
than the sweetest music to my ears； I might seem to hold communion with
that soul in which I felt so deeply interested； and imbibe its purest
thoughts and holiest aspirations； with no alloy to such felicity except the
secret reproaches of my conscience； which would too often whisper that I
was deceiving my own self； and mocking God with the service of a heart
more bent upon the creature than the Creator。
Sometimes； such thoughts would give me trouble enough； but
sometimes I could quiet them with thinking … it is not the man； it is his
goodness that I love。 'Whatsoever things are pure； whatsoever things are
lovely； whatsoever things are honest and of good report； think on these
things。' We do well to worship God in His works； and I know none of
them in which so many of His attributes … so much of His own spirit shines；
as in this His faithful servant； whom to know and not to appreciate； were
obtuse insensibility in me； who have so little else to occupy my heart。
Almost immediately after the conclusion of the service； Miss Murray
left the church。 We had to stand in the porch； for it was raining； and the
carriage was not yet come。 I wondered at her coming forth so hastily； for
neither young Meltham nor Squire Green was there； but I soon found it
was to secure
