cpatricia.blacknotice-第25节

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　　Dr。　Wagner　returned　the　pipe　to　the　ashtray。　He　got　up　from　his　desk　and　came　around　to　where　I　was　sitting。　He　settled　into　a　side　chair。　He　leaned　forward　and　looked　intensely　at　me。
　　〃I've　known　you　for　a　long　time；　Kay；〃　he　said　in　a　kind　but　no…nonsense　voice。　〃I'm　well　aware　of　your　reputation。　You're　a　tribute　to　the　monwealth。　You've　also　been　through　a　horrendous　tragedy；　and　it　wasn't　that　long　ago。〃
　　〃Are　you　trying　to　play　the　role　of　psychiatrist　with　me；　Sinclair？〃　I　wasn't　joking。
　　〃You　aren't　a　machine。〃
　　〃Nor　am　I　given　to　wild　thinking。　What　I'm　telling　you　is　real。　Every　brick　of　the　case　I'm　building。　There　are　just　a　lot　of　insidious　activities　going　on；　and　while　it　may　be　true　I've　been　more　distracted　than　usual；　what　I'm　telling　you　has　nothing　to　do　with　that。〃
　　〃How　can　you　be　so　sure；　Kay；　if　you've　been　distracted；
　　as　you　put　it？　Most　people　wouldn't　even　have　returned　to　work　for　a　while…if　ever…after　what　you've　suffered。　When　did　you　go　back　to　work？〃
　　〃Sinclair；　we　all　have　our　ways　of　coping。〃
　　〃Let　me　answer　my　own　question　for　you；〃　he　went　on。　〃Ten　days。　And　not　a　very　happy　environment　to　return　to；　I　might　add。　Tragedy；　death。〃
　　I　didn't　say　anything　as　I　fought　for　posure。　I　had　been　in　a　dark　cave　and　scarcely　remembered　scattering　Benton's　ashes　out　to　sea　in　Hilton　Head；　the　place　he　loved　most。　I　scarcely　remembered　clearing　out　his　condo　there；　then　attacking　his　drawers　and　closets　at　my　house。　At　a　maniacal　speed；　I　removed　everything　right　then　that　would　have　had　to　go　eventually。
　　Had　it　not　been　for　Dr。　Anna　Zenner；　I　couldn't　have　survived。　She　was　an　older　woman；　a　psychiatrist　who　had　been　my　friend　for　years。　I　had　no　idea　what　she　did　with　Benton's　fine　suits　and　ties　and　polished　leather　shoes　and　colognes。　I　didn't　want　to　know　what　happened　to　his　BMW　Most　of　all；　I　couldn't　bear　to　know　what　had　been　done　with　the　linens　that　had　been　in　our　bathroom　and　on　our　bed。
　　Anna　had　been　wise　enough　to　keep　all　belongings　that　mattered。　She　didn't　touch　his　books　or　jewelry。　She　left　his　certificates　and　mendations　hanging　on　the　walls　of　his　study；　where　nobody　would　see　them；　because　he　was　so　modest。　She　wouldn't　let　me　remove　the　photographs　arranged　everywhere　because　she　said　it　was　important　for　me　to　live　with　them。
　　〃You　must　live　with　the　memory；〃　she　told　me　repeatedly　in　her　heavy　German　accent。　〃It　is　still　present；　Kay。　You　cannot　run　away　from　it。　Don't　try。〃
　　〃On　a　scale　of　ten；　how　depressed　are　you；　Kay？〃　Dr。　Wagner's　voice　sounded　somewhere　in　the　background。
　　I　was　still　hurt　and　unable　to　accept　that　Lucy　had　never　shown　up　once　during　all　of　this。　Benton　left　me　his　condo　in　his　will；　and　Lucy　was　furious　with　me　for　selling　it；　although　she　knew　as　well　as　I　did　that　neither　of　us　could　ever　pass　through　its　rooms　again。　When　I　tried　to　give　her　his　much…loved；　scarred；　scuffed　bomber　jacket　he　had　worn　in　college；　she　said　she　didn't　want　it；　that　she　would　give　it　to　someone　else。　I　knew　she　never　did。　I　knew　she　hid　it　somewhere。
　　〃There's　no　shame　in　admitting　it。　I　think　it's　hard　for　you　to　admit　you're　human；〃　Dr。　Wagner's　voice　surfaced。
　　My　eyes　cleared。
　　〃Have　you　thought　of　going　on　an　antidepressant？〃　Dr。　Wagner　asked　me。　〃Something　mild　like　Wellbutrin。〃
　　I　paused　before　I　said　anything。
　　〃In　the　first　place；　Sinclair；〃　I　said；　〃situational　depression　is　normal。　I　don't　need　a　pill　to　magically　take　away　…my　grief。　I　may　be　stoical。　I　may　find　it　difficult　to　show　my　emotions　around　others；　to　show　my　deepest　feelings；　and　yes；　it's　easier　。for　me　to　fight　and　get　angry　and　overachieve　than　to　feel　pain。　But　I'm　not　wrapped　tight　in　denial。　I've　got　sense　enough　to　know　that　grief　has　to　run　its　course。　And　this　isn't　easy　when　those　you　trust　begin　to　chip　away　at　what　little　you　have　left　in　your　life。〃
　　〃You　just　switched　from　first　person　to　second　person；〃　he　pointed　out。　〃I'm　just　wondering　if　you're　aware　。　。　：'
　　〃Don't　dissect　me；　Sinclair。〃
　　〃Kay；　let　me　paint　for　you　the　portrait　of　tragedy；　of　violence；　that　those　untouched　by　it　never　see；〃　he　said。　〃It　has　a　life　of　its　own。　It　continues　its　rampage；　although　with　more　stealth　and　with　less　visible　wounds　as　time　moves　on。〃
　　〃I　see　the　portrait　of　tragedy　every　day；〃　I　said。
　　〃What　about　when　you　look　in　the　mirror？〃　he　asked。
　　〃Sinclair；　it's　terrible　enough　to　suffer　loss；　but　to　pound　that　with　everyone　looking　askance　at　you　and　doubting　your　abilities　to　function　anymore　is　to　be　kicked　and　degraded　while　you're　supposedly　down。〃
　　He　held　my　gaze。　I　had　just　switched　to　second　person　again；　to　that　safer　place；　and　I　saw　it　in　his　eyes。
　　〃Cruelty　thrives　on　what　it　perceives　as　weakness；〃　I　went　on。
　　I　knew　what　evil　was。　I　could　smell　it　and　recognize　its　features　when　it　was　in　my　midst。
　　〃Someone　seized　what　happened　to　me　as　the　longawaited…for　opportunity　to　destroy　me；〃　I　concluded。
　　〃And　you　don't　think　this　is　perhaps　a　little　paranoid？〃　he　finally　spoke。
　　〃No：'
　　〃Why　would　someone　do　that；　besides　being　petty　and　jealous？〃　he　inquired。
　　〃Power。　To　steal　my　fire。〃
　　〃An　interesting　analogy；〃　he　said。　〃Tell　me　what　you　mean　by　that。〃
　　〃I　use　my　power　for　good；〃　I　explained。　〃And　whoever　is　trying　to　hurt　me　wants　to　appropriate　my　power　for　his　own　selfish　use；　and　you　don't　want　power　in　the　hands　of　people　like　that。〃
　　〃I　agree；〃　he　thoughtfully　said。
　　His　phone　buzzed。　He　got　up　and　answered　it。
　　〃Not　now；〃　he　said　over　the　line。　〃I　know。　He's　just　going　to　have　to　wait〃
　　He　returned　to　his　chair　and　blew　out　a　long　breath；　took　his　glasses　off　and　set　them　on　the　coffee　table。
　　〃I　think　the　best　thing　to　do　is　send　out　a　press　release　informing　people　that　someone　is　impersonating　you　on　the　Internet；　to　do　what　we　can　to　clear　this　up　as　much　as　possible；〃　he　said。　〃We'll　put　an　end　to　it；　even　if　it　requires　a　court　order。〃
　　〃That　would　make　me　very　happy；〃　I　said。
　　He　got　up　and　I　did；　too。
　　'　〃Thank　you；　Sinclair。　Thank　God　I　have　a　shield　like　you：'
　　〃We'll　just　hope　the　new　secretary　will　be　the　same；〃　he　remarked　as　if　I　knew　what　he　was　talking　about。
　　〃What　new　secretary？〃　I　asked　as　anxiety　hummed　again；　this　time　more　loudly。
　　A　strange　expression　passed　over　his　face。　Then　he　looked　angry。
　　〃I've　sent　you　several　memos　marked　private　and　confidential。　Goddamn　it！　Now　this　is　going　too　far。〃
　　〃I've　gotten　nothing　from　you；〃　I　said。
　　He　pressed　his　lips　together；　his　cheeks　turning　red。　It　was　one　thing　to　tamper　with　e…mail；　it　was　another　to　intercept　the　secretary's　scaled；　classified　memorandums。　Not　even　Rose　opened　anything　like　that。
　　〃Apparently　the　Governor's　Crime　mission's　gotten　stuck　on　the　notion　that　we　should　transfer　your　office　out　of　Health　and　into　Public　Safety；〃　he　told　me。
　　〃For　God's　sake；　Sinclair；〃　I　exclaimed。
　　〃I　know；　I　know。〃　He　raised　his　hand　to　quiet　me。
　　This　same　ignorant　proposal　had　e　up　shortly　after　I'd　been　hired。　The　police　and　forensic　labs　were　under　Public　Safety；　meaning；　among　other　things；　that　if　my　office　fell　under　Public　Safety；　too；　there　would　be　no　checks　and　balances　anymore。　The　police　department；　in　essence；　would　have　a　say…so　in　how　I　worked　my　cases。
　　〃I've　written　position　papers　on　this　before；〃　I　told　Dr。　Wagner。　〃Years　ago；　I　fought　it　off　by　preaching　to　prosecutors　and　police　chiefs。　I　even　went　to　the　defense　attorneys'　bar。　We　can't　let　this　happen。〃
　　Dr。　Wagner　said　nothing。
　　〃Why　now？〃　I　persisted。　〃Why　has　this　just　e　up　now？　The　issue's　been　dormant　for　more　than　ten　years。〃
　　〃I　think　Representative　Connors　is　pushing　it　because　some　of　the　higher…ups　in　law　enforcement　are　pushing　him；〃　he　said。　〃Who　the　hell　knows。〃
　　I　did；　and　as　I　drove　toward　my　office；　I　got　energized。　I　thrived　on　unanswered　questions；　on　excavating　for　what　wasn't　plain　to　see；　on　getting　to　the　truth。　What　detractors　like　Chuck　Ruffin　and　Diane　Bray　had　not　factored　into　their　machinations　was　that　they'd　served　to　wake　me　up。
　　A　scenario　was　materializing　in　my　mind。　It　was　very　simple。　Someone　wanted　me　shot　out　of　the　air　so　my　office　would　be　vulnerable　to　a　takeover　by　Public　Safety。　I　had　heard　rumblings　that　the　current　secretary；　whom　I　liked　very　much；　was　reti　'fit　。　Wouldn't　it　be　a　coincidence　if　Bray　just　happened　to　take　his　place。
　　When　I　reached　my　office；　I　smiled　at　Rose　and　bid　her　a　cheery　good　morning。
　　〃Aren't　we　in　a　good　mood　today！〃　she　said；　enormously　pleased。
　　〃It's　your　vegetable　soup；〃　I　mented。　〃I　have　it　to　look　forward　to。　Where's　Chuck？〃
　　lust　his　name　gave　Rose　a　sour　look。
　　〃Off　delivering　several　brains　to　MCV；〃　she　replied。
　　Now　and　then　when　cases　were　neurologically　suspicious　and　plicated；　I　would　fix　the　brain　in　formalin　and　have　it　delivered　to　the　neuropathology　lab　for　special　studies。
　　〃Let　me　know　when　he　es　back；〃　I　told　her。　〃We　need　to　set　up　the　Luma…Lite　in　the　deposed　room。〃
　　She　placed　her　elbow　on　her　desk；　chin　in　her　hand　and　shook　her　head；　eyes　on　me。
　　〃I　hate　to　be　the　one　who　tells　you