cpatricia.blacknotice-第11节

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　　〃Aunt　Kay。〃　She　met　my　eyes　and　put　her　hand　on　my　arm。　〃Let's　don't　start　that　again。〃
　　〃It's　just　。　。　。〃
　　〃I　know。　It's　just　that　you　don't　want　one　of　these　letters　from　me　someday。〃
　　Her　hands　were　steady　as　she　held　the　creamy　sheet　of　paper。
　　〃Don't　say　that：'　l　said　with　dread。
　　〃And　I　don't　ever　want　one　from　you；〃　she　added。
　　Benton's　words　were　just　as　powerful　and　alive　as　they　had　been　this　morning　when　Senator　Lord　had　brought　them　to　me；　and　I　heard　Benton's　voice　again。　I　saw　his　face　and　the　love　in　his　eyes。　Lucy　read　very　slowly。　When　she　was　done；　she　could　not　speak　for　a　moment。
　　Then　she　said；　〃Don't　you　ever　send　me　one　of　these。　I　don't　ever　want　one　of　these。〃
　　Her　voice　shook　with　pain　and　anger。
　　〃What's　the　point？　So　you　can　just　upset　someone　all　over　agdin？〃　she　said；　getting　up　from　the　bed。
　　〃Lucy；　you　know　his　point。〃　I　wiped　away　tears　and　hugged　her。　〃〃Deep　down；　you　know。〃
　　I　carried　the　letter　into　the　kitchen　and　Marino　and　Jo　read　it；　too。　His　reaction　was　to　stare　out　the　window　at　the　night；　his　big　hands　listless　in　his　lap。　Hers　was　to　get　up　and　hover　in　the　room；　not　sure　where　to　go。
　　〃I　really　think　I　should　go。〃　She　repeated　herself　and　we　overruled　her。　〃He　wanted　the　three　of　you　here。　I　don't　think　I　should　be。〃
　　〃He　would　have　wanted　you　here　had　he　known　you；〃　I　said。
　　〃Nobody　leaves。〃　Marino　said　it　like　a　cop　drawing　down　on　a　room　full　of　suspects。　〃We're　all　in　this　together。　Goddamn。〃
　　He　got　up　from　the　table　and　rubbed　his　face　in　his　hands。
　　〃I　sort　of　wish　he　hadn't　done　that。〃　He　looked　at　me。　〃Would　you　do　that　to　me；　Doc？　'Cause　if　you　got　any　ideas；　I'm　telling　you　right　now　to　forget　it。　…I　don't　want　no　words　from　the　crypt　after　you're　gone。〃
　　〃Let's　put　this　pizza　on；〃　I　said。
　　We　went　out　on　the　patio　and　I　worked　the　dough　off　a　cookie　sheet　and　placed　it　on　the　grill。　I　spread　sauce　and　sprinkled　the　meats；　vegetables　and　cheese　on　top　of　it。　Marino；　Lucy　and　Jo　sat　in　iron　rocking　chairs　because　I　would　not　let　them　help　me。　They　tried　to　keep　a　conversation　going　but　no　one　had　the　heart　for　it。　I　drizzled　olive　oil　over　the　pizza；　careful　not　to　make　the　coals　flare　up。
　　〃I　don't　think　he　brought　you　together　just　so　you　could　be　depressed；〃　Jo　finally　said。
　　〃I'm　not　depressed；〃　Marino　said。
　　〃Yes；　you　are；〃　Lucy　countered。
　　〃About　what；　wiseass？〃
　　〃Everything。〃
　　〃At　least　I'm　not　afraid　to　say　I　miss　him。〃
　　Lucy　stared　at　him　in　disbelief。　Their　sparring*had　just　drawn　blood。
　　〃I　can't　believe　you　just　said　that；〃　she　told　him。
　　〃Believe　it。　He's　the　only　goddamn　father　you　ever　had；　and　I've　never　heard　you　say　you　miss　him。　Why？　'Cause　you　still　think　it's　your　fault；　right？〃
　　〃What's　wrong　with　you？〃
　　〃Well；　guess　what；　Agent　Lucy　Farinelli：'　Marino　wouldn't　stop。　〃It　ain't　your　fault。　It's　fucking　Carne　Grethen's　fault；　and　no　matter　how　many　times　you　blow　the　bitch　out　of　the　sky；　she'll　never　be　dead　enough　for　you；　That's　the　way　it　works　when　you　hate　someone　that　bad。〃
　　〃And　you　don't　hate　her？〃　Lucy　pushed　back。
　　〃Hell。〃　Marino　swilled　what　was　left　of　his　beer。　〃I　hate　her　worse　than　you　do。〃
　　〃I　don't　think　it　was　Benton's　plan　for　us　to　sit　around　here　talking　about　how　much　we　hate　her　or　anybody；〃　I　said。
　　〃Then　how　do　you　handle　it；　Dr。　Scarpetta？〃　Jo　asked　me。
　　〃I　wish　you　would　call　me　Kay。〃　I　had　told　her　this　many　times。　〃I　cant'　on。　That's　all　I　can　do。〃
　　The　words　sounded　banal；　even　to　me。　Jo　leaned　into　the　light　of　the　grill　and　looked　at　me　as　if　I　held　the　answers　to　every　question　she　had　ever　asked　in　life。
　　〃How　do　you　go　on？〃　she　asked。　〃How　do　people　go　on？　All　these　bad　things　we　deal　with　every　day；　yet　we're　on　the　other　side　of　it。　It's　not　happening　to　us。　After　we　shut　the　door；　we　don't　have　to　keep　looking　at　that　stain　on　the　floor　where　someone's　wife　was　raped　and　stabbed　to　death；　someone's　husband's　brains　blown　out。　We　lull　ourselves　into　believing　that　we　work　cases　and　won't　ever　bee　cases。　But　you　know　better。〃
　　She　paused；　still　leaning　into　the　light　of　the　grill；　and　shadows　from　the　fire　played　on　a　face　that　looked　far　too　young　and　pure　to　belong　to　someone　so　full　of　such　questions。
　　〃How　do　you　go　on？〃　she　asked　again。
　　〃The　human　spirit　is　very　resilient。〃　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　say。
　　〃Well；　I'm　afraid；〃　Jo　said。　〃I　think　all　the　time　about　what　I　would　do　if　something　happened　to　Lucy。〃
　　〃Nothing's　going　to　happen　to　me；〃　Lucy　said。
　　She　got　up　and　kissed　Jo　on　the　top　of　the　head。　She　put　her　arms　around　her；　and　if　this　clear　signal　about　the　nature　of　their　relationship　was　news　to　Marino；　he　didn't　show　it　or　seem　to　care。　He　had　known　Lucy　since　she　was　ten；　and　in　some　measure；　his　influence　on　her　had　a　lot　to　do　with　her　going　into　law　enforcement。　He　had　taught　her　to　shoot。　He　had　let　her　drive　the　streets　with　him　and　even　put　her　behind　the　wheel　of　one　of　his　sacred　trucks。
　　When　he　first　realized　she　didn't　fall　in　love　with　men；　he　had　been　the　consummate　bigot；　probably　because　he　feared　his　influence　had　fallen　short　of　what；　by　his　standard；　mattered　most。　He　may　even　have　wondered　if　he　were　somehow　to　blame。　That　was　many　years　ago。　I　couldn't　remember　the　last　time　he'd　made　a　narrowminded　ment　about　her　sexual　orientation。
　　〃But　you　work　around　death　every　day；〃　Jo　gently　persisted。　〃Aren't　you　reminded　。　。　。　of　what　happened；　when　you　see　it　happen　to　someone　else？　I　don't　mean　to；　well；　I　just　don't　want　to　be　so　afraid　of　death。〃
　　〃I　don't　have　a　magic　formula；〃　I　said；　getting　up。　〃Except　you　learn　not　to　think　too　much。〃
　　The　pizza　was　bubbling　and　I　worked　a　big　spatula　under　it。
　　〃That　smells　good；〃　Marino　said　with　a　worried　'look。　〃You　think　it's　gonna　be　enough？〃
　　I　made　a　second；　then　a　third　one；　and　I　built　a　fire　and　we　sat　before　it　with　the　lights　out　in　the　great　groom。　Marino　stuck　with　beer。　Lucy；　Jo　and　I　sipped　a　white　burgundy　that　was　crisp　and　clean。
　　〃Maybe　you　should。　find　somebody；〃　Lucy　said；　the　light　and　shadow　of　flames　dancing　on　her　face。
　　〃Shit！〃　Marino　erupted。　〃What　is　this　all　of　a　sudden？　The　Dating　Game？　Maybe　if　she　wants　to　tell　you　personal　stuff　like　that；　she　will。　You　shouldn't　be　asking。　It　ain't　nice。〃
　　〃Life　isn't　nice；〃　Lucy　said。　〃And　why　should　；you　care　if　she　plays　The　Dating　Game？〃
　　Jo　silently　stared　into　the　fire。　I　was　getting　fed　up。　I　was　beginning　to　wonder　if　I　might　have　been　better　off　staying　alone　tonight。　Even　Benton　hadn't　always　been　right。
　　〃Remember　when　Doris　left　you？〃　Lucy　went　on。
　　〃What　if　people　hadn't　asked　you　about　it？　What　if　no　one　had　cared　what　you　did　next　or　if　you　were　holding　yourself　together？　You　sure　wouldn't　have　volunteered　anything。　Same　goes　for　the　idiots　you've　gone　out　with　since。　Every　time　one　of　them　didn't　work　out；　your　friends　had　to　jump　in　again　and　pry　things　out　of　you。〃
　　Marino　set　the　empty　beer　bottle　on　the　hearth　so　hard　I　thought　he　might　break　the　slate。
　　〃Maybe　you　ought　to　think　about　growing　up　one　of　these　days；〃　he　said。　〃You　gonna　wait　until　you're　thirty　before　you　stop　being　such　a　goddamn；　stuck…up　brat？　I'm　getting　another　beer。〃
　　He　stalked　out　of　the　room。
　　〃And　let　me　tell　you　another　thing；〃　Marino　threw　back　at　her；　〃just　because　you　fly　helicopters　and　program　puters　and　bodybuild　and　do　all　the　other　friggin'　shit　you　do　doesn't　mean　you're　better　than　me！〃
　　〃I've　never　said　I　was　better　than　you！〃　Lucy　yelled　after　him。
　　〃The　hell　you　haven't！〃　His　voice　carried　from　the‘　kitchen。
　　〃The　difference　between　you　and　me　is　I　do　what　I　want　in　life；〃　she　called　out。　〃I　don't　accept　limitations。〃
　　〃You're　so　full　of　shit；　Agent　Asshole。〃
　　〃Ah；　now　we're　getting　to　the　root　of　the　matter；〃　Lucy　said　as　he　reappeared；　gulping　beer。　〃I'm　a　federal　agent　fighting　big　bad　crime　on　big　bad　streets　of　the　world。　And　you're　in　uniform　riding　around　baby…sitting　cops　at　all　hours　of　the　night。〃
　　〃And　you　like　guns　because　you　wish　you　had　a　dick！〃
　　〃So　I　can　be　what？　A　tripod？〃
　　〃That's　it；〃　I　exclaimed。　〃Enough！　The　two　of　you　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　yourselves。　Doing　this　。　。　。　of　all　times　。　。　。〃
　　My　voice　splintered　and　tears　stung　my　eyes。　I　was　determined　I　wouldn't　lose　control　again；　and　I　was　horrified　that　I　no　longer　seemed　able　to　help　it。　I　looked　away　from　them。　Silence　was　heavy；　the　fire　popping。　Marino　got　up　and　opened　the　screen。　He　stirred　embers　with　the　poker　and　tossed　on　another　log。
　　〃I　hate　Christmas；〃　Lucy　said。
　　
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　　he　next　morning；　Lucy　and　Jo　had　an　early　flight　and　I　could　not　bear　the　emptiness　that　would　return　with　the　shutting　door。　So　I　went　out　with　them；　briefcase　in　hand。　I　knew　this　day　was　going　to　be　awful。
　　〃I　wish　you　didn't　have　to　go；〃　I　said。　〃But　I　guess　Miami　might　not　survive　another　day　if　you　stayed　here　with　me。〃
　　〃Miami's　probably　not　going　to　survive　anyway；〃　Lucy　said。　〃But　that's　what　we　get　paid　to　do…fight　wars　already　lost。　Sort　of　like　Richmond；　when　you　think　about　it。　God；　I　feel　like　shit。〃
　　Both　of　them　we