mc.prey-第4节

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he　new　diaper；　but　the　baby's　twisting　and　kicking　made　it　hard。　〃Amanda；　stop　it！〃
　I　said；　〃She　does　that　now。〃　And　it　was　true；　Amanda　was　in　the　stage　where　she　actively　resisted　a　diaper　change。　And　she　could　kick　pretty　hard。
　〃Well；　she　should　stop。　Stop！〃
　The　baby　cried　louder；　tried　to　turn　away。　One　of　the　adhesive　tabs　pulled　off。　The　diaper　slid　down。　Amanda　was　now　rolling　toward　the　edge　of　the　dresser。　Julia　pulled　her　back　roughly。　Amanda　never　stopped　kicking。
　〃God　damn　it；　I　said　stop！〃　Julia　said；　and　smacked　the　baby　on　the　leg。　The　baby　just　cried　harder；　kicked　harder。　〃Amanda！　Stop　it！　Stop　it！〃　She　slapped　her　again。　〃Stop　it！　Stop　it！〃　For　a　moment　I　didn't　react。　I　was　stunned。　I　didn't　know　what　to　do。　The　baby's　legs　were　bright　red。　Julia　was　still　hitting　her。　〃Honey　。。。〃　I　said；　leaning　in；　〃let's　not…〃　Julia　exploded。　〃Why　do　you　always　fucking　interfere？〃　she　yelled；　slamming　her　hand　down　on　the　dresser。　〃What　is　your　fucking　problem？〃
　And　she　stomped　off；　leaving　the　room。
　I　let　out　a　long　breath；　and　picked　the　baby　up。　Amanda　howled　inconsolably；　as　much　in　confusion　as　in　pain。　I　figured　I　would　need　to　give　her　a　bottle　to　get　her　to　sleep　again。　I　stroked　her　back　until　she　settled　down　a　little。　Then　I　got　her　diaper　on；　and　brought　her　into　the　kitchen　while　I　heated　a　bottle。　The　lights　were　low；　just　the　fluorescents　over　the　counter。　Julia　was　sitting　at　the　table；　drinking　beer　out　of　a　bottle；　staring　into　space。　〃When　are　you　going　to　get　a　job？〃　she　said。
　〃I'm　trying。〃
　〃Really？　I　don't　think　you're　trying　at　all。　When　was　your　last　interview？〃
　〃Last　week；〃　I　said。
　She　grunted。　〃I　wish　you'd　hurry　up　and　get　one；〃　she　said；　〃because　this　is　driving　me　crazy。〃　I　swallowed　anger。　〃I　know。　It's　hard　for　everybody；〃　I　said。　It　was　late　at　night；　and　I　didn't　want　to　argue　anymore。　But　I　was　watching　her　out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye。　At　thirty…six；　Julia　was　a　strikingly　pretty　woman；　petite；　with　dark　hair　and　dark　eyes；　upturned　nose；　and　the　kind　of　personality　that　people　called　bubbly　or　sparkling。　Unlike　many　tech　executives；　she　was　attractive　and　approachable。　She　made　friends　easily；　and　had　a　good　sense　of　humor。　Years　back；　when　we　first　had　Nicole；　Julia　would　e　home　with　hilarious　accounts　of　the　foibles　of　her　VC　partners。　We　used　to　sit　at　this　same　kitchen　table　and　laugh　until　I　felt　physically　sick；　while　little　Nicole　would　tug　at　her　arm　and　say；　〃What's　the　funny；　Mom？　What's　the　funny？〃　because　she　wanted　to　be　in　on　the　joke。　Of　course　we　could　never　explain　it　to　her；　but　Julia　always　seemed　to　have　a　new　〃Knock　knock〃　joke　for　Nicole；　so　she　could　join　in　the　laughter；　too。　Julia　had　a　real　gift　for　seeing　the　humorous　side　of　life。　She　was　famous　for　her　equanimity；　she　almost　never　lost　her　temper。　Right　now；　of　course；　she　was　furious。　Not　even　willing　to　look　at　me。　Sitting　in　the　dark　at　the　round　kitchen　table；　one　leg　crossed　over　the　other；　kicking　impatiently　while　she　stared　into　space。　As　I　looked　at　her；　I　had　the　feeling　that　her　appearance　had　changed；　somehow。　Of　course　she　had　lost　weight　recently；　part　of　the　strain　of　the　job。　A　certain　softness　in　her　face　was　gone；　her　cheekbones　protruded　more；　her　chin　seemed　sharper。　It　made　her　look　harder；　but　in　a　way　more　glamorous。
　Her　clothes　were　different；　too。　Julia　was　wearing　a　dark　skirt　and　a　white　blouse；　sort　of　standard　business　attire。　But　the　skirt　was　tighter　than　usual。　And　her　kicking　foot　made　me　notice　she　was　wearing　slingback　high　heels。　What　she　used　to　call　fuck…me　shoes。　The　kind　of　shoes　she　would　never　wear　to　work。
　And　then　I　realized　that　everything　about　her　was　different…her　manner；　her　appearance；　her　mood；　everything…and　in　a　flash　of　insight　I　knew　why：　my　wife　was　having　an　affair。　The　water　on　the　stove　began　to　steam；　and　I　pulled　out　the　bottle；　tested　it　on　my　forearm。　It　had　gotten　too　hot；　and　I　would　have　to　wait　a　minute　for　it　to　cool。　The　baby　started　to　cry；　and　I　bounced　her　a　little　on　my　shoulder；　while　I　walked　her　around　the　room。　Julia　never　looked　at　me。　She　just　kept　swinging　her　foot；　and　staring　into　space。　I　had　read　somewhere　that　this　was　a　syndrome。　The　husband's　out　of　work；　his　masculine　appeal　declines；　his　wife　no　longer　respects　him；　and　she　wanders。　I　had　read　that　in　Glamour　or　Redbook　or　one　of　those　magazines　around　the　house　that　I　glanced　through　while　waiting　for　the　washing　machine　to　finish　its　cycle；　or　the　microwave　to　thaw　the　hamburger。　But　now　I　was　flooded　with　confused　feelings。　Was　it　really　true？　Was　I　just　tired；　making　up　bad　stories　in　my　mind？　After　all；　what　difference　did　it　make　if　she　was　wearing　tighter　skirts　and　different　shoes？　Fashions　changed。　People　felt　different　on　different　days。　And　just　because　she　was　sometimes　angry；　did　that　really　mean　she　was　having　an　affair？　Of　course　it　didn't。　I　was　probably　just　feeling　inadequate；　unattractive。　These　were　probably　my　insecurities　ing　out。　My　thoughts　went　on　in　this　vein　for　a　while。
　But　for　some　reason；　I　couldn't　talk　myself　out　of　it。　I　was　sure　it　was　true。　I　had　lived　with　this　woman　for　more　than　twelve　years。　I　knew　she　was　different；　and　I　knew　why。　I　could　sense　the　presence　of　someone　else；　an　outside　person；　some　intruder　in　our　relationship。　I　felt　it　with　a　conviction　that　surprised　me。　I　felt　it　in　my　bones；　like　an　ache。　I　had　to　turn　away。
　*　*　*
　The　baby　took　the　bottle；　gurgling　happily。　In　the　darkened　kitchen；　she　stared　up　at　my　face　with　that　peculiar　fixed　stare　that　babies　have。　It　was　sort　of　soothing；　watching　her。　After　a　while　she　closed　her　eyes；　and　then　her　mouth　went　slack。　I　put　her　on　my　shoulder　and　burped　her　as　I　carried　her　back　into　her　bedroom。　Most　parents　pat　their　babies　too　hard；　trying　to　get　a　burp。　It's　better　to　just　rub　the　flat　of　your　hand　up　their　back；　and　sometimes　just　along　the　spine　with　two　fingers。　She　gave　a　soft　belch；　and　relaxed。
　I　set　her　down　in　the　crib；　and　I　turned　out　the　night…light。　Now　the　only　light　in　the　room　came　from　the　aquarium；　bubbling　green…blue　in　the　corner。　A　plastic　diver　trudged　along　the　bottom；　trailing　bubbles。
　As　I　turned　to　go；　I　saw　Julia　silhouetted　in　the　doorway；　dark　hair　backlit。　She　had　been　watching　me。　I　couldn't　read　her　expression。　She　stalked　forward。　I　tensed。　She　put　her　arms　around　me　and　rested　her　head　on　my　chest。
　〃Please　forgive　me；〃　she　said。　〃I'm　a　real　jerk。　You're　doing　a　wonderful　job。　I'm　just　jealous；　that's　all。〃　My　shoulder　was　wet　with　her　tears。
　〃I　understand；〃　I　said；　holding　her。　〃It's　okay。〃
　I　waited　to　see　if　my　body　relaxed；　but　it　didn't。　I　was　suspicious　and　alert。　I　had　a　bad　feeling　about　her；　and　it　wasn't　going　away。
　She　came　out　of　the　shower　into　the　bedroom；　toweling　her　short　hair　dry。　I　was　sitting　on　the　bed；　trying　to　watch　the　rest　of　the　game。　It　occurred　to　me　that　she　never　used　to　take　showers　at　night。　Julia　always　took　a　shower　in　the　morning　before　work。　Now；　I　realized；　she　often　came　home　and　went　straight　to　the　shower　before　ing　out　to　say　hello　to　the　kids。　My　body　was　still　tense。　I　flicked　the　TV　off。　I　said；　〃How　was　the　demo？〃
　〃The　what？〃
　〃The　demo。　Didn't　you　have　a　demo　today？〃
　〃Oh；〃　she　said。　〃Oh；　yes。　We　did。　It　went　fine；　when　we　finally　got　it　going。　The　VCs　in　Germany　couldn't　stay　for　all　of　it　because　of　the　time　change；　but…listen；　do　you　want　to　see　it？〃
　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃I　have　a　dub　of　it。　Want　to　see　it？〃
　I　was　surprised。　I　shrugged。　〃Okay；　sure。〃
　〃I'd　really　like　to　know　what　you　think；　Jack。〃　I　detected　a　patronizing　tone。　My　wife　was　including　me　in　her　work。　Making　me　feel　a　part　of　her　life。　I　watched　as　she　opened　her　briefcase　and　took　out　a　DVD。　She　stuck　it　in　the　player；　and　came　back　to　sit　with　me　on　the　bed。
　〃What　were　you　demoing？〃　I　said。
　〃The　new　medical　imaging　technology；〃　she　said。　〃It's　really　slick；　if　I　say　so　myself。〃　She　snuggled　up；　tucking　herself　into　my　shoulder。　All　very　cozy；　just　like　old　times。　I　still　felt　uneasy；　but　I　put　my　arm　around　her。
　〃By　the　way；〃　I　said；　〃how　e　you　take　showers　at　night　now；　instead　of　in　the　morning？〃
　〃I　don't　know；〃　she　said。　〃Do　I？　I　guess　I　do。　It　just　seems　easier；　honey。　Mornings　are　so　rushed；　and　I've　been　getting　those　conference　calls　from　Europe；　they　take　so　much　time…okay；　here　we　go；〃　she　said；　pointing　to　the　screen。　I　saw　black…and…white　scramble；　and　then　the　image　resolved。
　The　tape　showed　Julia　in　a　large　laboratory　that　was　fitted　out　like　an　operating　room。　A　man　lay　on　his　back　on　the　gurney；　an　IV　in　his　arm；　an　anesthesiologist　standing　by。　Above　the　table　was　a　round　flat　metal　plate　about　six　feet　in　diameter；　which　could　be　raised　and　lowered；　but　was　now　raised。　There　were　video　monitors　all　around。　And　in　the　foreground；　peering　at　a　monitor；　was　Julia。　There　was　a　video　technician　by　her　side。　〃This　is　terrible；〃　she　was　saying；　pointing　to　the　monitor。　〃What's　all　the　interference？〃
　〃We　think　it's　the　air　purifiers。　They're　causing　it。〃
　〃Well；　this　is　unacceptable。〃
　〃Really？〃
　〃Yes；　really。〃
　〃What　do　you　want　us　to　do？〃
　〃I　want　you　to　fix　it；〃　Julia　said。
　〃Then　we　have　to　boost　power；　and　you　ha