mc.prey-第15节

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dn't　e　home　last　night　at　all。　I　checked　the　telephone　messages；　there　were　none。　Eric　wandered　in；　and　saw　the　bed。　〃Where's　Mom？〃
　〃I　don't　know；　son。〃
　〃Did　she　leave　already？〃
　〃I　guess　so　。。。〃
　He　stared　at　me；　and　then　at　the　unmade　bed。　And　he　walked　out　of　the　room。　He　wasn't　going　to　deal　with　it。
　But　I　was　beginning　to　think　I　had　to。　Maybe　I　should　even　talk　to　a　lawyer。　Except　in　my　mind；　there　was　something　irrevocable　about　talking　to　a　lawyer。　If　the　trouble　was　that　serious；　it　was　probably　fatal。　I　didn't　want　to　believe　my　marriage　was　over；　so　I　wanted　to　postpone　seeing　a　lawyer。
　That　was　when　I　decided　to　call　my　sister　in　San　Diego。　Ellen　is　a　clinical　psychologist；　she　has　a　practice　in　La　Jolla。　It　was　early　enough　that　I　figured　she　hadn't　gone　to　the　office　yet；　she　answered　the　phone　at　home。　She　sounded　surprised　I　had　called。　I　love　my　sister　but　we　are　very　different。　Anyway；　I　told　her　briefly　about　the　things　I'd　been　suspecting　about　Julia；　and　why。
　〃You're　saying　Julia　didn't　e　home　and　she　didn't　call？〃
　〃Right。〃
　〃Did　you　call　her？〃
　〃Not　yet。〃
　〃How　e？〃
　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃Maybe　she　was　in　an　accident；　maybe　she's　hurt　。。。〃
　〃I　don't　think　so。〃
　〃Why　not？〃
　〃You　always　hear　if　there's　an　accident。　There's　no　accident。〃
　〃You　sound　upset；　Jack。〃
　〃I　don't　know。　Maybe。〃
　My　sister　was　silent　for　a　moment。　Then　she　said；　〃Jack；　you've　got　a　problem。　Why　aren't　you　doing　something？〃
　〃Like　what？〃
　〃Like　see　a　marriage　counselor。　Or　a　lawyer。〃
　〃Oh；　jeez。〃
　〃Don't　you　think　you　should？〃　she　asked。
　〃I　don't　know。　No。　Not　yet。〃
　〃Jack。　She　didn't　e　home　last　night　and　she　didn't　bother　to　call。　When　this　woman　drops　a　hint；　she　uses　a　bombsight。　How　much　clearer　do　you　need　it　to　be？〃
　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃You're　saying　'I　don't　know'　a　lot。　Are　you　aware　of　that？〃
　〃I　guess　so。〃
　A　pause。　〃Jack；　are　you　all　right？〃
　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃Do　you　want　me　to　e　up　for　a　couple　of　days？　Because　I　can；　no　problem。　I　was　supposed　to　go　out　of　town　with　my　boyfriend；　but　his　pany　just　got　bought。　So　I'm　available；　if　you　want　me　to　e　up。〃
　〃No。　It's　okay。〃
　〃You　sure？　I'm　worried　about　you。〃
　〃No；　no；〃　I　said。　〃You　don't　have　to　worry。〃
　〃Are　you　depressed？〃
　〃No。　Why？〃
　〃Sleeping　okay？　Exercising？〃
　〃Fair。　Not　really　exercising　that　much。〃
　〃Uh…huh。　Do　you　have　a　job　yet？〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Prospects？〃
　〃Not　really。　No。〃
　〃Jack；〃　she　said。　〃You　have　to　see　a　lawyer。〃
　〃Maybe　in　a　while。〃
　〃Jack。　What's　the　matter　with　you？　This　is　what　you've　told　me。　Your　wife　is　acting　cold　and　angry　toward　you。　She's　lying　to　you。　She's　acting　strange　with　the　kids。　She　doesn't　seem　to　care　about　her　family。　She's　angry　and　absent　a　lot。　It's　getting　worse。　You　think　she's　involved　with　someone　else。　Last　night；　she　doesn't　even　show　up　or　call。　And　you're　just　going　to　let　this　go　without　doing　anything？〃
　〃I　don't　know　what　to　do。〃
　〃I　told　you。　See　a　lawyer。〃
　〃You　think　so？〃
　〃You're　damn　right　I　think　so。〃
　〃I　don't　know　。。。〃
　She　sighed；　a　long　exasperated　hiss。　〃Jack。　Look。　I　know　you're　a　little　passive　at　times；　but…〃
　〃I'm　not　passive；〃　I　said。　And　I　added；　〃I　hate　it　when　you　shrink　me。〃
　〃Your　wife　is　screwing　around　on　you；　you　think　she's　building　a　case　to　take　the　kids　away　from　you；　and　you're　just　letting　it　happen。　I'd　say　that's　passive。〃
　〃What　am　I　supposed　to　do？〃
　〃I　told　you。〃　Another　exasperated　sigh。　〃Okay。　I'm　taking　a　couple　of　days　and　ing　up　to　see　you。〃
　〃Ellen…〃
　〃Don't　argue。　I'm　ing。　You　can　tell　Julia　I'm　going　to　help　out　with　the　kids。　I'll　be　up　there　this　afternoon。〃
　〃But…〃
　〃Don't　argue。〃
　And　she　got　off　the　phone。
　*　*　*
　I'm　not　passive。　I'm　thoughtful。　Ellen's　very　energetic；　her　personality's　perfect　for　a　psychologist；　because　she　loves　to　tell　people　what　to　do。　Frankly；　I　think　she's　pushy。　And　she　thinks　I'm　passive。
　This　is　Ellen's　idea　about　me。　That　I　went　to　Stanford　in　the　late　seventies；　and　studied　population　biology…a　purely　academic　field；　with　no　practical　application；　no　jobs　except　in　universities。　In　those　days　population　biology　was　being　revolutionized　by　field　studies　of　animals；　and　by　advances　in　genetic　screening。　Both　required　puter　analysis；　using　advanced　mathematical　algorithms。　I　couldn't　find　the　kind　of　programs　I　needed　for　my　research；　so　I　began　to　write　them　myself。　And　I　slid　sideways　into　puter　science…another　geeky；　purely　academic　field。
　But　my　graduation　just　happened　to　coincide　with　the　rise　of　Silicon　Valley　and　the　personal…puter　explosion。　Low…number　employees　at　startup　panies　were　making　a　fortune　in　the　eighties；　and　I　did　pretty　well　at　the　first　one　I　worked　for。　I　met　Julia；　and　we　got　married；　had　kids。　Everything　was　smooth。　We　were　both　doing　great；　just　by　showing　up　for　work。　I　got　hired　away　by　another　pany；　more　perks；　bigger　options。　I　just　rode　the　advancing　wave　into　the　nineties。　By　then　I　wasn't　programming　anymore；　I　was　supervising　software　development。　And　things　just　fell　into　place　for　me；　without　any　real　effort　on　my　part。　I　just　fell　into　my　life。　I　never　had　to　prove　myself。
　That's　Ellen's　idea　of　me。　My　idea　is　different。　The　panies　of　Silicon　Valley　are　the　most　intensely　petitive　in　the　history　of　the　planet。　Everybody　works　a　hundred　hours　a　week。　Everybody　is　racing　against　milestones。　Everybody　is　cutting　development　cycles。　The　cycles　were　originally　three　years　to　a　new　product；　a　new　version。　Then　it　was　two　years。　Then　eighteen　months。　Now　it　was　twelve　months…a　new　version　every　year。　If　you　figure　beta　debugging　to　golden　master　takes　four　months；　then　you　have　only　eight　months　to　do　the　actual　work。　Eight　months　to　revise　ten　million　lines　of　code；　and　make　sure　it　all　works　right。　In　short；　Silicon　Valley　is　no　place　for　a　passive　person；　and　I'm　not　one。　I　hustled　my　ass　off　every　minute　of　every　day。　I　had　to　prove　myself　every　day…or　I'd　be　gone。　That　was　my　idea　about　myself。　I　was　sure　I　was　right。
　Ellen　was　right　about　one　part；　though。　A　strong　streak　of　luck　ran　through　my　career。　Because　my　original　field　of　study　had　been　biology；　I　had　an　advantage　when　puter　programs　began　to　explicitly　mimic　biological　systems。　In　fact；　there　were　programmers　who　shuttled　back　and　forth　between　puter　simulation　and　studies　of　animal　groups　in　the　wild；　applying　the　lessons　of　one　to　the　other。
　But　further；　I　had　worked　in　population　biology…the　study　of　groups　of　living　organisms。　And　puter　science　had　evolved　in　the　direction　of　massively　parallel　networked　structures…the　programming　of　populations　of　intelligent　agents。　A　special　kind　of　thinking　was　required　to　handle　populations　of　agents；　and　I　had　been　trained　in　that　thinking　for　years。　So　I　was　admirably　suited　to　the　trends　of　my　field；　and　I　made　excellent　progress　as　the　fields　emerged。　I　had　been　in　the　right　place　at　the　right　time。
　That　much　was　true。
　Agent…based　programs　that　modeled　biological　populations　were　increasingly　important　in　the　real　world。　Like　my　own　programs　that　mimicked　ant　foraging　to　control　big　munications　networks。　Or　programs　that　mimicked　division　of　labor　among　termite　colonies　to　control　thermostats　in　a　skyscraper。　And　closely　related　were　the　programs　that　mimicked　genetic　selection；　used　for　a　wide　range　of　applications。　In　one　program；　witnesses　to　a　crime　were　shown　nine　faces　and　asked　to　choose　which　was　most　like　the　criminal；　even　if　none　really　were；　the　program　then　showed　them　nine　more　faces；　and　asked　them　to　choose　again；　and　from　many　repeated　generations　the　program　slowly　evolved　a　highly　accurate　posite　picture　of　the　face；　far　more　accurate　than　any　police　artist　could　make。　Witnesses　never　had　to　say　what　exactly　they　were　responding　to　in　each　face；　they　just　chose；　and　the　program　evolved。
　And　then　there　were　the　biotech　panies；　which　had　found　they　could　not　successfully　engineer　new　proteins　because　the　proteins　tended　to　fold　up　weirdly。　So　now　they　used　genetic　selection　to　〃evolve〃　the　new　proteins　instead。　All　these　procedures　had　bee　standard　practice　in　a　matter　of　just　a　few　years。　And　they　were　increasingly　powerful；　increasingly　important。
　So；　yes；　I　had　been　in　the　right　place　at　the　right　time。　But　I　wasn't　passive；　I　was　lucky。　I　hadn't　showered　or　shaved　yet。　I　went　in　the　bathroom；　stripped　off　my　T…shirt；　and　stared　at　myself　in　the　mirror。　I　was　startled　to　see　how　soft　I　looked　around　the　gut。　I　hadn't　realized。　Of　course　I　was　forty；　and　the　fact　was；　I　hadn't　been　exercising　as　much　lately。　Not　because　I　was　depressed。　I　was　busy　with　the　kids；　and　tired　a　lot　of　the　time。　I　just　didn't　feel　like　exercising；　that　was　all。
　I　stared　at　my　own　reflection；　and　wondered　if　Ellen　was　right。
　There's　one　problem　with　all　psychological　knowledge…nobody　can　apply　it　to　themselves。　People　can　be　incredibly　astute　about　the　shortings　of　their　friends；　spouses；　children。　But　they　have　no　insight　into　themselves　at　all。　The　same　people　who　are　coldly　clear…eyed　about　the　world　around　them　have　nothing　but　fantasies　about　themselves。　Psychological　knowledge　doesn't　work　if　you　look　in　a　mirror。　This　bizarre　fact　is；　as　far　as　I　know；　unexplain