annr.pandora-第40节

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　I　saw　myself　as　he　saw　me　in　his　mind　…　in　a　boy's　sashed　tunic；　my　hair　wildly　free；　sitting　atop　the　wall；　as　if　my　body　were　young　and　pliant。　All　lines　of　age　had　gone　from　me。　He　saw　a　face　on　me　no　one　could　have　ever　painted。
　But　the　point　was　this。　The　man　had　reached　his　limit。　He　could　go　no　further。　And　I　knew　most　fully　how　I　loved　him。
　〃All　right；〃　I　said。　I　stood　up　and　leaned　over　with　both　my　hands。　〃e　on；　I'll　lift　you　over　the　wall　if　I　can。〃
　He　raised　his　arms；　doubtful；　eyes　still　drinking　up　every　detail　of　my　transformation。
　He　weighed　nothing。　I　lifted　him　up　and　deposited　him　on　his　feet　within　the　gate。　I　dropped　down　on　the　grass　beside　him　and　put　my　arm　around　him。　How　hot　was　his　alarm。　How　strong　his　courage。
　〃Still　your　heart；〃　I　said。　I　led　him　towards　the　house；　as　he　looked　down　at　me；　his　chest　heaving　as　though　he　were　out　of　breath；　but　it　was　mere　shock。　〃I'll　take　care　of　you。〃
　〃I　had　the　thing；〃　he　said；　〃I　had　it　by　its　arm。〃　How　opaque　his　voice　sounded；　how　filled　with　living　fluid　and　effort。　〃I　sank　my　dagger　into　it　over　and　over；　but　it　just　slashed　at　my　face　and　it　was　gone　over　the　wall　like　a　swarm　of　gnats；　just　darkness；　immaterial　darkness！〃
　〃Flavius；　it's　dead；　burnt　to　cinders。〃
　〃Had　I　not　heard　your　voice；　oh；　I　was　going　mad！　I　heard　the　boys　crying。　I　couldn't　climb　the　wall　with　this　damned　leg。　Then　I　heard　your　voice；　and　I　knew；　knew　you　were　alive！〃　He　was　filled　with　happiness。　〃You　were　with　your　Marius。〃　The　ease　with　which　I　could　feel　his　love　was　sweet；　and　awe　inspiring。
　A　sudden　sense　of　the　Shrine　came　back　to　me；　of　the　Queen's　nectar　and　the　shower　of　flower　petals。　But　I　had　to　maintain　my　equilibrium　in　this　new　state。　Flavius　was　also　profoundly　baffled。
　I　kissed　him　on　the　lips；　warm；　mortal　lips；　and　then　quickly　like　an　artful　cat　I　licked　all　the　blood　from　the　slash　marks　on　his　cheeks；　feeling　a　shiver　run　through　me。
　I　took　him　into　the　library；　which　in　this　house　was　the　main　room。　The　boys　hovered　somewhere　about。　They　had　been　lighting　lamps　everywhere；　and　now　they　cowered。　I　could　smell　their　blood　and　their　young　human　flesh；
　〃You'll　stay　with　me；　Flavius。　Boys；　can　you　make　a　bedroom　for　my　steward　on　this　floor？　You　have　fruit　and　bread；　don't　you？　I　can　smell　it。　Have　you　enough　furniture　to　make　him　a　fortable　place　to　the　far　right；　where　he　is　out　of　the　way？〃
　They　came　rushing　out　of　their　respective　hiding　places；　and　they　too　struck　me　as　vividly　human。　I　was　distracted。　The　smallest　natural　things　about　them　seemed　precious；　their　thick　black　eyebrows；　their　round　little　mouths；　their　smooth　cheeks。
　〃Yes；　Madam；　yes！〃　they　said　almost　in　one　voice。　They　hurried　forward。
　〃This　is　Flavius；　my　steward。　He　will　stay　with　us。　For　now；　take　him　to　the　bath；　heat　the　water　and　attend　to　him。　Get　him　some　wine。〃
　They　took　Flavius　in　hand　at　once。　But　he　paused。
　〃Don't　abandon　me；　Madam；〃　he　said　suddenly　with　the　most　serious　and　thoughtful　expression。　〃I　am　loyal　in　all　respects。〃
　〃I　know；〃　I　said。　〃Oh；　how　clearly　I　understand。　You　cannot　imagine。〃
　Then　it　was　off　to　the　bath　with　the　Babylonian　boys；　who　seemed　delighted　to　have　something　to　do。
　I　found　Marius's　huge　closets。　He　had　enough　clothes　for　the　Kings　of　Parthia；　Armenia；　the　Emperor's　Mother；　Livia；　the　dead　Cleopatra；　and　an　ostentatious　patrician　who　paid　no　attention　to　Tiberius's　stupid　sumptuary　laws。
　I　put　on　a　much　finer；　long　tunic；　woven　of　silk　and　linen；　and　I　chose　a　gold　girdle。　And　with　Marius's　bs　and　brushes；　I　made　a　clean　free　mantle　of　my　hair；　free　of　all　tangles；　rippled　and　soft　as　it　had　been　when　I　was　a　girl。
　He　had　many　mirrors；　which；　as　you　know；　in　those　days　were　only　polished　metal。　And　I　was　rendered　somber　and　mystified　by　the　single　fact　that　I　was　young　again；　my　nipples　were　pink；　as　I　had　said；　the　lines　of　age　no　longer　interrupted　the　intended　endowments　of　my　face　or　arms。　Perhaps　it　is　most　accurate　to　say　that　I　was　timeless。　Timeless　in　adulthood。　And　every　solid　object　seemed　there　to　serve　in　me　my　new　strength。
　I　looked　down　at　the　blocks　of　marble　tile　which　made　up　the　floor　and　saw　in　them　a　depth；　a　proof　of　process　wondrous　and　barely　understood。
　I　wanted　to　go　out　again；　speak　to　the　flowers；　pick　them　up　in　handfuls。　I　wanted　to　talk　urgently　with　the　stars。　I　dared　not　seek　the　Shrine　for　fear　of　Marius；　but　if　he　had　not　been　around　I　would　have　gone　there　and　knelt　at　the　Mother　and　merely　looked　at　her；　looked　at　her　in　silent　contemplation；　listening　for　the　slightest　articulation；　though　I　knew；　quite　certainly　after　watching　Marius's　behavior；　that　there　would　be　none。
　She　had　moved　her　right　arm　without　the　seeming　knowledge　of　the　rest　of　her　body。　She　had　moved　it　to　kill；　and　then　to　invite。
　I　went　into　the　library；　sat　down　at　the　desk；　where　lay　all　my　pages；　and　I　waited。
　Finally；　when　Marius　came；　he　too　was　freshly　dressed；　his　hair　parted　in　the　middle　and　bed　to　his　shoulders。　He　took　a　chair　near　me。　It　was　ebony　and　curved　and　inlaid　with　gold；　and　I　looked　at　him；　realizing　how　very　like　the　chair　he　was　…　a　great　preserved　extension　of　all　the　raw　materials　which　had　gone　into　it。　Nature　did　the　carving　and　inlay；　and　then　the　whole　had　been　lacquered。
　I　wanted　to　cry　in　his　arms；　but　I　swallowed　my　loneliness。　The　night　would　never　desert　me；　and　it　was　faithful　in　every　open　door　with　its　intruding　grass；　and　the　veined　olive　branches　rising　to　catch　the　light　of　the　moon。
　〃Blessed　is　she　who　is　made　a　blood　drinker；〃　I　said；　〃when　the　moon　is　full；　and　the　clouds　are　rising　like　mountains　in　the　transparent　night。〃
　〃Probably　so；〃　he　said。
　He　moved　the　lamp　that　stood　on　the　desk　between　us；　so　that　it　didn't　flicker　in　my　eyes。
　〃I　made　my　steward　at　home　here；〃　I　said。　〃I　offered　him　bath；　bed　and　clothes。　Do　you　forgive　me？　I　love　him　and　will　not　lose　him。　It's　too　late　now　for　him　to　go　back　into　the　world。〃
　〃He's　an　extraordinary　man；〃　Marius　said；　〃and　most　wele　here。　Tomorrow　perhaps　he　can　bring　your　girls。　Then　the　boys　will　have　pany　and　there　will　be　some　discipline　by　day。　Flavius　knows　books；　among　other　things。〃
　〃You're　most　gracious。　I　was　afraid　you　would　be　angry。　Why　do　you　suffer　st　I　cannot　read　your　mind；　I　did　not　obtain　that　gift。〃　No；　this　wasn't　correct。　I　could　read　Flavius's　mind。　I　knew　the　boys　at　this　very　moment　were　very　relieved　by　Flavius's　presence　as　they　helped　him　dress　for　bed。
　〃We　are　too　closely　linked　by　blood；〃　he　said。　〃I　can　never　read　your　thoughts　again　either。　We　are　thrown　back　on　words　like　mortals；　only　our　senses　are　infinitely　keener；　and　the　detachment　we　know　at　some　times　will　be　as　cold　as　the　ice　in　the　North；　and　at　other　times　feelings　will　enflame　us；　carry　us　on　waves　of　burning　sea。〃
　〃Hmmm；〃　I　said。
　〃You　despise　me；〃　he　said　softly；　contritely；　〃because　I　quenched　your　ecstasy；　I　took　from　you　your　joy；　your　convictions。〃　He　looked　quite　genuinely　　miserable。　〃I　did　this　to　you　right　at　the　happiest　moment　of　your　conversion。〃
　〃Don't　be　so　sure　you　quenched　it。　I　might　still　make　her　Temples；　preach　her　worship。　I'm　an　initiate。　I　have　only　begun。〃
　〃You　will　not　revive　her　worship！〃　he　said。　〃Of　that　I　assure　you！　You　will　tell　no　one　about　her　or　what　she　is　or　where　she　is　kept；　and　you　will　never　make　another　blood　drinker。〃
　〃My；　if　only　Tiberius　had　such　authority　when　he　addressed　the　Senate！〃　I　said。
　〃All　Tiberius　ever　wanted　was　to　study　at　the　gymnasium　at　Rhodes；　to　go　every　day　in　a　Greek　soak　and　sandals　and　talk　philosophy。　And　so　the　propensity　for　action　flowers　in　men　of　lesser　mettle；　who　use　him　in　his　loveless　loneliness。〃
　〃Is　this　a　lecture　for　my　improvement？　Do　you　think　I　don't　know　this？　What　you　don't　know　is　that　the　Senate　won't　help　Tiberius　govern。　Rome　wants　an　Emperor　now；　to　worship　and　to　like。　It　was　your　generation；　under　Augustus；　which　accustomed　us　to　forty　years　of　autocratic　rule。　Don't　talk　to　me　of　politics　as　though　I　were　a　fool。〃
　〃I　should　have　realized　that　you　understood　it　all；〃　he　said。　〃I　remember　you　in　your　girlhood。　Nobody　could　match　your　brilliance。　Your　fidelity　to　Ovid　and　his　erotic　writings　was　a　rare　sophistication；　an　understanding　of　satire　and　irony。　A　well…nourished　Roman　frame　of　mind。〃
　I　looked　at　him。　His　face　too　had　been　wiped　dean　of　discernible　age。　I　had　time　now　to　relish　it；　the　squareness　of　his　shoulders；　the　straightness　and　firmness　of　his　neck；　the　distinct　expression　of　his　eyes　and　well…placed　eyebrows。　We　had　been　made　over　into　portraits　of　ourselves　in　marble　by　a　master　sculptor。
　〃You　know；〃　I　said；　〃even　under　this　crushing　and　annoying　barrage　of　definition　and　declaration　which　you　make　to　me；　as　if　I　were　weeping　for　your　ratification；　I　feel　love　for　you；　and　know　full　well　that　we　are　alone　in　this；　and　married　to　one　another；　and　I　am　not　unhappy。〃
　He　appeared　surprised；　but　said　nothing。
　〃I　am　exalted；　bruised　in　the　heart；〃　I　said；　〃a　hardened　pilgrim。　But　I　do　wish　you　would　not　speak　to　me　as　if　my　full　indoctrination　and　education　were　your　primary　concern！〃
　〃I　have　to　speak　this　way！〃　he　said　gently。　His　vo