annr.pandora-第17节
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My heart beat fast。 My limbs clenched； then slackened； only to clench again。
At times； I lay on the moist good Earth of the courtyard； for my Father； because no one had laid his body on the moist good Earth； as it should have been done； right after his death and before any funeral。
I knew suddenly why this disgrace was so important； his body rent with wounds and not placed on the Earth。 I knew the gravity of this omission as few have ever known the meaning of anything。 It was of the utmost importance because it did not matter at all！
Live； Lydia。
I looked at the small leafy trees of the garden。 I felt a strange gratitude that I had opened human eyes in this darkness on Earth long enough to see such things。
I quoted Lucretius：
〃That which es from Heaven ascends to Heaven〃？
Madness！
Alas； as I said； I wandered； crawled； wept and cried for three nights and days。
4
Finally； one morning； when the sun came spilling down through the open roof； I looked at the objects in the room and I realized I didn't know what they were； or what they'd been made for。 I didn't know their mon names。 I was removed from their definitions。 I didn't even know this place。
I sat up and realized I was looking at the Lararium； the shrine of the household gods。
This was the dining room of course； and those were the couches； and there the glorious conjugal bed！
The Lararium was a high three…sided shrine； a little temple with three pediments； and inside stood figures of old household gods。 No one in this profane city had even taken them away with the dead woman。
The flowers were dead。 The fire had simply gone out。 No one had quenched it with wine； as should have been done。
On hands and knees I crawled in my torn dress around the garden of the peristyle； gathering flowers for these gods。 I found the wood and made their sacred fire。
I stared at them。 I stared for hours。 It seemed I would never move again。
Night fell。 〃Don't sleep；〃 I whispered。 〃Keep watch with the night！ They wait for you by dark； those Egyptians！ The moon； look； it's almost full； only a night or so from being full。〃
But the worst of my agony had passed and I was exhausted； and sleep rose to embrace me。 Sleep rose as if to say； 〃Care no more。〃
The dream came。
I saw men in gilded robes。 〃You will be taken now in the sanctum。〃 But what's there？ I didn't want to see。 〃Our Mother； our beloved Mother of Sorrows；〃 said the Priest。 The paintings on the walls were rows upon rows of Egyptians in profile； and words made of pictures。 Myrrh burned in this place。
〃e；〃 said those who held me。 〃All the impurities have gone from you now； and you will partake of the sacred Fount。〃
I could hear a woman crying and moaning。 I peeped into the great room before I entered it。 There they were； the King and the Queen on their thrones； the King still and staring as in the last dream； and the Queen struggling against her golden fetters。 She wore the crown of Upper and Lower Egypt。 And pleated linen。 Her hair was not a wig but real plaits。 She cried and her white cheeks were stained in red。 Red stained her necklace and her breasts。 She looked soiled and ignominious。
〃My Mother； my goddess；〃 I said。 〃But this is an abomination。〃
I forced myself to wake。
I sat up and I laid my hand on the Lararium； and looked at the spiderwebs in the trees of the garden； made visible by the climbing sun。
I thought I heard people whispering in the ancient Egyptian tongue。
I was not going to allow this！ I would not go mad。
Enough！ The only man I had ever loved； my Father； said； 〃Live。〃
It was time for action。 To get up and get going。 I was suddenly all strength and purpose。
My long nights of mourning and weeping had been equivalent to the initiation in the Temple； death had been the intoxicant； prehension had been the transformation。
It was over now； and the meaningless world was tolerable and need not be explained。 And never would it be； and how foolish I had ever been to think so。
The facts of my predicament warranted action。
I poured out a cup of wine； and took it with me to the front gate。
The city seemed quiet。 People weed to and fro； casting their eyes away from a half…dressed； ragged woman in her vestibule。
At last a workman trudging under his burden of bricks。
I thrust forth the wine。 〃I have been ill for three days；〃 I said。 〃What of the death of Germanicus？ How goes it in the city？〃
The man was so grateful for the wine。 Labor had made him old。 His arms were thin。 His hands shook
〃Madam； thank you；〃 he said。 He drained the cup； as if he could not stop himself。 〃Our Germanicus was laid out in the public square for all to see。 How beautiful he was。 Some pared him to the great Alexander。 People could not determine。 Had he been poisoned or not？ Some said Yes； some said No。
〃His soldiers loved him。 Governor Piso； thank the gods； is not here and dares not e back。 Germanicus's wife； the gracious Agrippina； has the ashes of Germanicus in an urn she carries next to her breast。 She sails for Rome； seeking justice for Tiberius。〃
He handed me the cup。 〃I humbly thank you。〃
〃The city is as usual again。〃
〃Oh； yes； what could stop this glorified marketplace？〃 he declared。 〃Business goes on as always。 The loyal soldiers of Germanicus keep the peace； waiting for justice。 They will not let the murderous Piso return； and Sentius gathers to himself here all who served under Germanicus。 The city is happy。 The flame burns for Germanicus。 If there is war； it won't be here。 Don't worry。〃
〃Thank you； you have helped me marvelously much。〃
I took the cup； locked the gate； shut the door and went into action。
Nibbling on enough bread to give me strength； and murmuring aloud the mon sense of Luretius； I surveyed the house。 It had a large luxurious bath on the right side of the courtyard。 Full of light。 Water flowed steadily from the seashells of the nymphs into the plastered basin； and the water was fine。 There was no need to light a fire for it。
In the bedchamber were my clothes。
Roman dresses were simple； as you know； just long shifts or tunics； and we wore two or three of them； plus an outdoor coverup tunic； the stola； and finally the palla； or mantle； which hung to the ankles and belted below the breasts。
I chose the finest tunics； posing three layers of gossamer silk； and then a brilliant red palla that covered me from head to toe。
In all my life； I had never had to put on my own sandals。 This was hysterically funny and annoying！
All my toilet articles had been laid out on tables which held burnished mirrors。 What a mess！
I sat down in one of the many gilded chairs； pushed the burnished metal mirror dose； and tried to work with the paints as my slaves had always done。
I managed to darken my eyebrows； but my horror of the painted Egyptian eyes stopped me。 I rouged my lips； put some white powder on my face； but that was it。 I couldn't attempt powdering my arms； as would have been done for me in Rome。
I don't know what I looked like。 Now I had to braid this damned hair； and I managed it； and fixed the braids in a big coil on the back of my head。 I used enough pins for twenty women。 Dragging down the loose curls around my face； on my forehead and cheeks； I saw in the mirror a Roman woman； modest and acceptable； I thought； her brown hair parted in the middle； her eyebrows black and her lips rosy red。
Gathering up all this drapery was the biggest nuisance。 I attempted to match length with length。 I tried to get the silk stola straight and then belt it tightly beneath my breasts。 I mean； all this folding； all this drapery and fastening。 I'd always had slave girls around me。 Finally with two undertunics and a long； fine red stola； I snatched up a silk palla； a very large one； fringed and decorated all over with gold。
I put on rings； bracelets。 But I intended to hide under this mantle as much as possible。 I could remember my Father cursing every day of his life that he had to wear the toga； the official outer garment of the highborn Roman male。 Well； only prostitutes wore togas。 At least I didn't have to cope with that。
I headed straight for the slave markets。
Jacob was right about the population here。 The city was filled with men and women of all nations。 Many women walked in pairs； arm in arm。
Loose Greek cloaks were entirely acceptable here； and so were long exotic Phoenician or Babylonian gowns； both for men and women。 Long hair among the men was mon； as were heavy beards。 Some women went about in tunics no longer than a man's。 Others were pletely veiled； revealing only the eyes； as they walked； acpanied by guards and servants。
The streets were cleaner than they might have been in Rome； the sewage flowing to wider gutters in the center and more swiftly to its destination。
Long before I reached the Forum； or the central plaza； I had passed three different doors in which rich courtesans stood arguing sarcastically over price with wealthy young Greeks and Romans。
One said； as I passed； to a handsome young man； 〃You want me in bed'？ You're dreaming。 Any of the girls you can have； as I told you。 If you want me； go home and sell everything you own！〃
Rich Romans in their full togas stoo
