dk.solesurvivor-第42节

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　　'That's　large　enough。　Plenty　of　ways　in　and　out　of　a　city　that　size。　Bus；　maybe　train；　rental　car；　even　by　air。'
　　As　they　headed　down　the　gravel　driveway　toward　the　paved　road；　Joe　saw　three　men　in　hooded　rain　slickers　exiting　a　stable　stall　beyond　an　exercise　yard。　Jeff　Ealing；　Ned；　and　the　veterinarian。
　　They　left　both　the　lower　and　upper　halves　of　the　Dutch　door　standing　open。　No　horse　followed　them。
　　Huddled　against　the　downpour；　heads　bowed　as　if　they　were　a　procession　of　monks；　they　moved　toward　the　house。　No　clairvoyance　was　required　to　know　that　their　shoulders　were　slumped　not　only　under　the　weight　of　the　storm　but　under　the　weight　of　defeat。
　　Now　a　call　to　the　knackery。　A　beloved　mare　to　be　transported　and　rendered。　Another　summer　afternoon　on　the　Loose　Change　Ranch…never　to　be　forgotten。
　　Joe　hoped　that　the　years；　the　toil；　and　the　miscarriages　had　not　caused　any　distance　to　open　between　Jeff　and　Mercy　Ealing。　He　hoped　that　in　the　night　they　still　held　each　other。
　　The　grey　storm　light　was　so　dim　that　Barbara　switched　on　the　headlights。　In　those　twin　beams；　as　they　reached　the　paved　highway；　the　silvery　rain　glittered　like　flensing　knives。
　　
　　In　Colorado　Springs；　a　network　of　shallow　lakes　had　formed　on　the　grammar…school　playground　next　to　which　Joe　had　parked　his　rental　car。　In　the　grey…rinsed　light；　rising　from　the　rain…dimpled　water；　the　jungle　gyms　and　the　seesaws　and　the　elaborate　swing　sets　appeared　strange　to　Joe；　not　at　all　like　what　they　were；　but　like　a　steel…pipe　Stonehenge　more　mysterious　even　than　the　ancient　rock　megaliths　and　trilithons　on　England's　Salisbury　Plain。
　　Everywhere　he　turned　his　eyes　now；　this　world　was　different　from　the　one　that　he　had　inhabited　all　his　life。　The　change　had　begun　the　previous　day；　when　he'd　gone　to　the　cemetery。　Ever　since；　a　shift　seemed　to　be　progressing　with　gathering　power　and　speed；　as　though　the　world　of　Einsteinian　laws　had　intersected　with　a　universe　where　the　rules　of　energy　and　matter　were　so　different　as　to　baffle　the　wisest　mathematicians　and　the　proudest　physicists。
　　This　new　reality　was　both　more　piercingly　beautiful　and　more　fearsome　than　the　one　that　it　replaced。　He　knew　the　change　was　subjective　and　would　never　reverse　itself。　Nothing　this　side　of　death　would　ever　again　seem　simple　to　him；　the　smoothest　surface　hid　unknowable　depths　and　plexities。
　　Barbara　stopped　in　the　street　beside　his　rental　car；　two　blocks　from　her　house。　'Well。　I　guess　this　is　as　far　as　we　go。'
　　'Thank　you；　Barbara。　You've　taken　such　risks…'
　　'I　don't　want　you　to　worry　about　that。　You　hear　me？　It　was　my　decision。'
　　'If　not　for　your　kindness　and　your　courage；　I'd　never　have　had　a　hope　of　getting　to　the　bottom　of　this。　Today　you've　opened　a　door　for　me。'
　　'But　a　door　to　what？'　she　worried。
　　'Maybe　to　Nina。'
　　Barbara　looked　weary　and　frightened　and　sad。　She　wiped　one　hand　across　her　face；　and　then　she　looked　only　frightened　and　sad。
　　'Joe；　you　keep　my　voice　in　your　head。　Wherever　you　go　from　here；　you　remember　to　listen　for　me　at　the　back　of　your　mind。　I'll　be　an　old　nag；　telling　you　that　even　if　two　people　somehow　came　out　of　that　crash　alive；　it's　damn　unlikely　that　one　of　them　is　your　Nina。　Don't　swing　the　sword　on　yourself；　don't　you　be　the　one　to　cut　yourself　off　at　the　knees。'
　　He　nodded。
　　'Promise　me；'　she　said。
　　'Promise。'
　　'She's　gone；　Joe。'
　　'Maybe。'
　　'Armour　your　heart。'
　　'We'll　see。'
　　'Better　go；'　she　said。
　　He　opened　the　door　and　got　out　into　the　rain。
　　'Good　luck；'　Barbara　said。
　　'Thanks。'
　　He　slammed　the　door；　and　she　drove　away。
　　As　he　unlocked　his　rental　car；　Joe　heard　the　Explorer's　brakes　bark　less　than　half　a　block　away。　When　he　looked　up；　the　Ford　was　reversing　toward　him；　its　red　taillights　shimmering　on　the　slick　blacktop。
　　She　got　out　of　the　Explorer；　came　to　him；　put　her　arms　around　him；　and　held　him　tightly。　'You're　a　dear　man；　Joe　Carpenter。'
　　He　embraced　her　too；　but　no　words　came　to　him。　He　remembered　how　badly　he　had　wanted　to　strike　her　when　she　had　pressed　him　to　forsake　the　idea　that　Nina　might　be　alive。　He　was　ashamed　by　the　hatred　that　he　had　felt　for　her　then；　ashamed　and　confused
　　…　but　he　was　also　touched　by　her　friendship；　which　meant　more　to　him　now　than　he　could　have　imagined　when　he　first　rang　her　doorbell。
　　'How　can　I　have　known　you　only　a　few　short　hours；'　she　wondered；　'and　feel　as　if　you're　my　son？'
　　She　left　him　for　the　second　time。
　　He　got　into　his　car　as　she　drove　away。
　　He　watched　the　dwindling　Explorer　in　the　rear…view　mirror　until　it　turned　left　into　Barbara's　driveway；　two　blocks　behind　him；　and　disappeared　into　her　garage。
　　Across　the　street；　the　white　trunks　of　the　paper　birches　glowed　like　painted　doorjambs；　the　deep　moody　shadows　between　like　open　doors　to　futures　best　left　unvisited。
　　
　　Soaked；　he　drove　back　to　Denver　with　no　regard　for　the　speed　limit；　alternately　using　the　heater　and　the　air…conditioner；　trying　to　dry　out　his　clothes。
　　He　was　electrified　by　the　prospect　of　finding　Nina。
　　In　spite　of　what　he　had　said　to　Barbara；　in　spite　of　what　he　had　promised　her；　he　knew　that　Nina　was　alive。　One　thing　in　this　eerily　altered　world　seemed　absolutely　right　again　at　last：　Nina　alive；　Nina　out　there　somewhere。　She　was　a　warm　light　upon　his　skin；　a　spectrum　of　light　beyond　the　ability　of　his　eyes　to　detect；　as　were　infrared　and　ultraviolet；　but　though　he　could　not　see　her；　he　could　feel　her　shining　in　the　world。
　　This　wasn't　at　all　similar　to　the　portentous　feeling　that　had　so　often　sent　him　spiralling　into　searching　behaviour；　chasing　after　ghosts。　This　hope　was　rock　under　his　hand；　not　mist。
　　He　was　as　close　to　happiness　as　he　had　been　in　more　than　a　year；　but　each　time　that　his　heart　swelled　too　full　with　excitement；　his　mood　was　dampened　by　a　pang　of　guilt。　Even　if　he　found　Nina…when　he　found　Nina…he　would　not　also　regain　Michelle　and　Chrissie。　They　were　gone　forever；　and　it　seemed　callous　of　him　to　be　too　happy　about　reclaiming　only　one　of　three。
　　Nevertheless；　the　desire　to　learn　the　truth；　which　had　motivated　him　to　e　to　Colorado；　was　the　tiniest　fraction　as　powerful　as　the　wrenching　need　to　find　his　younger　daughter；　which　now　raged　in　him　to　a　degree　beyond　the　measurements　used　to　define　mere　pulsion　or　obsession。
　　At　Denver　International　Airport；　he　returned　the　car　to　the　agency；　paid　the　bill　in　cash；　and　retrieved　his　signed　credit…card　form。　He　was　in　the　terminal　again　fifty　minutes　before　his　flight　was　scheduled　to　depart。
　　He　was　starving。　But　for　two　cookies　in　Mercy's　kitchen；　he　had　eaten　nothing　since　the　two　cheeseburgers　the　previous　evening　on　his　way　to　the　Vadance　house　and　later　a　chocolate　bar。
　　He　found　the　nearest　restaurant　in　the　terminal。　He　ordered　a　club　sandwich　with　french　fries　and　a　bottle　of　Heineken。
　　Bacon　had　never　tasted　half　as　good　as　it　did　now。　He　licked　mayonnaise　from　his　fingertips。　The　fries　had　a　satisfying　crunch；　and　the　crisp　dill　pickle　snapped　with　a　spray　of　sour　juice。　For　the　first　time　since　another　August；　he　not　only　consumed　his　food　but　relished　it。
　　On　his　way　to　the　boarding　gate；　with　twenty　minutes　to　spare；　he　suddenly　took　a　detour　to　the　men's　room。　He　thought　he　was　going　to　be　sick。
　　By　the　time　he　got　into　a　stall　and　latched　the　door；　his　nausea　passed。　Instead　of　throwing　up；　he　leaned　his　back　against　the　door　and　wept。
　　He　hadn't　cried　in　many　months；　and　he　didn't　know　why　he　was　crying　now。　Maybe　because　he　was　on　the　trembling　edge　of　happiness　with　the　thought　of　seeing　Nina　again。　Or　maybe　because　he　was　scared　of　never　finding　her　or　of　losing　her　a　second　time。　Maybe　he　was　grieving　anew　for　Michelle　and　Chrissie。　Maybe　he　had　learned　too　many　dreadful　details　about　what　had　happened　to　Flight　353　and　to　the　people　on　it。
　　Maybe　it　was　all　those　things。
　　He　was　on　a　runaway　rocket　of　emotion；　and　he　needed　to　regain　control　of　himself。　He　wasn't　going　to　be　effective　in　his　search　for　Rose　and　Nina　if　he　swung　wildly　between　euphoria　and　despair。
　　Red…eyed　but　recovered；　he　boarded　the　plane　for　Los　Angeles　as　they　issued　the　final　call。
　　As　the　737　took　off；　to　Joe's　surprise　his　heart　made　a　hollow　racket　in　his　ears；　like　running　footsteps　descending　stairs。　He　clutched　the　arms　of　his　seat　as　though　he　might　tumble　forward　and　fall　headlong。
　　He　had　never　been　afraid　on　the　flight　to　Denver；　but　now　he　was　in　the　lap　of　terror。　ing　eastward；　he　would　have　weled　death；　for　the　wrongness　of　outliving　his　family　had　been　heavy　on　his　mind…but　now；　westward　bound；　he　had　a　reason　to　live。
　　Even　when　they　had　reached　cruising　altitude　and　levelled　off；　he　remained　edgy。　He　could　too　easily　imagine　one　of　the　pilots　turning　to　the　other　and　saying；　Are　we　recording？
　　
　　Since　Joe　could　not　get　Captain　Delroy　Blane　out　of　his　mind；　anyway；　he　withdrew　the　three　folded　pages　of　the　transcript　from　an　inner　jacket　pocket。　Reviewing　it；　he　might　see　something　that　he　had　missed　before…and　he　needed　to　keep　his　mind　occupied；　even　if　with　this。
　　The　flight　wasn't　heavily　booked；　a　third　of　the　seats　empty。　He　had