dk.solesurvivor-第16节

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doors　closed。
　　When　he　sold　the　house　here；　he　had　not　bothered　to　switch　his　account　to　a　branch　nearer　his　one…room　apartment　in　Laurel　Canyon。　Convenience　wasn't　a　consideration　when　time　no　longer　mattered。
　　He　went　to　a　window　where　a　woman　named　Heather　was　tending　to　paperwork　as　she　waited　for　last…minute　business。　She　had　worked　at　this　bank　since　Joe　had　first　opened　an　account　a　decade　ago。
　　'I　need　to　make　a　cash　withdrawal；'　he　said；　after　the　requisite　small　talk；　'but　I　don't　have　my　chequebook　with　me。'
　　'That's　no　problem；'　she　assured　him。
　　It　became　a　small　problem；　however；　when　Joe　asked　for　twenty　thousand　dollars　in　hundred…dollar　bills。　Heather　went　to　the　other　end　of　the　bank　and　huddled　in　conversation　with　the　head　teller；　who　then　consulted　the　assistant　manager。　This　was　a　young　man　no　less　handsome　than　the　current　hottest　movie　hero；　perhaps　he　was　one　of　the　legion　of　would…be　stars　who　laboured　in　the　real　world　to　survive　while　waiting　for　the　fantasy　of　fame。　They　glanced　at　Joe　as　if　his　identity　was　now　in　doubt。
　　Taking　in　money；　banks　were　like　industrial　vacuum　cleaners。　Giving　it　out；　they　were　clogged　faucets。
　　Heather　returned　with　a　guarded　expression　and　the　news　that　they　were　happy　to　acmodate　him；　though　there　were；　of　course；　procedures　that　must　be　followed。
　　At　the　other　end　of　the　bank；　the　assistant　manager　was　talking　on　his　phone；　and　Joe　suspected　that　he　himself　was　the　subject　of　the　conversation。　He　knew　he　was　letting　his　paranoia　get　the　better　of　him　again；　but　his　mouth　went　dry；　and　his　heartbeat　increased。
　　
　　The　money　was　his。　He　needed　it。
　　That　Heather　had　known　Joe　for　years…in　fact；　attended　the　same　Lutheran　church　where　Michelle　had　taken　Chrissie　and　Nina　to　Sunday　school　and　services…did　not　obviate　her　need　to　see　his　driver's　license。　The　days　of　mon　trust　and　mon　sense　were　so　far　in　America's　past　that　they　seemed　not　merely　to　be　ancient　history　but　to　be　part　of　the　history　of　another　country　altogether。
　　He　remained　patient。　Everything　he　owned　was　on　deposit　here；　including　nearly　sixty　thousand　dollars　in　equity　from　the　sale　of　the　house；　so　he　could　not　be　denied　the　money；　which　he　would　need　for　living　expenses。　With　the　same　people　seeking　him　who　were　searching　for　Rose　Tucker；　he　could　not　go　back　to　the　apartment　and　would　have　to　live　out　of　motels　for　the　duration。
　　The　assistant　manager　had　concluded　his　call。　He　was　staring　at　a　note　pad　on　his　desk；　tapping　it　with　a　pencil。
　　Joe　had　considered　using　his　few　credit　cards　to　pay　for　things；　supplemented　by　small　sums　withdrawn　as　needed　from　automated　teller　machines。　But　authorities　could　track　a　suspect　through　credit…card　use　and　ATM　activity…and　be　ever　on　his　heels。　They　could　even　have　his　plastic　seized　by　any　merchant　at　the　point　of　purchase。
　　A　phone　rang　on　the　assistant　manager's　desk。　He　snatched　it　up；　glanced　at　Joe；　and　turned　away　in　his　swivel　chair；　as　if　he　worried　that　his　lips　might　be　read。
　　After　procedures　were　followed　and　everyone　was　satisfied　that　Joe　was　neither　his　own　evil　twin　nor　a　bold　impersonator　in　a　clever　rubber　mask；　the　assistant　manager；　his　phone　conversation　concluded；　slowly　gathered　the　hundred…dollar　bills　from　other　tellers'　drawers　and　from　the　vault。　He　brought　the　required　sum　to　Heather　and；　with　a　fixed　and　uneasy　smile；　watched　as　she　counted　it　for　Joe。
　　Perhaps　it　was　imagination；　but　Joe　felt　they　disapproved　of　his　carrying　so　much　money；　not　because　it　put　him　in　danger　but　because　these　days　people　who　dealt　in　cash　were　stigmatised。　The　government　required　banks　to　report　cash　transactions　of　five　thousand　dollars　or　more；　ostensibly　to　hamper　attempts　by　drug　lords　to　launder　funds　through　legitimate　financial　institutions。　in　reality；　no　drug　lord　was　ever　inconvenienced　by　this　law；　but　the　financial　activities　of　average　citizens　were　now　more　easily　monitored。
　　
　　Throughout　history；　cash　or　the　equivalent…diamonds；　gold　coins…had　been　the　best　guarantor　of　freedom　and　mobility。　Cash　meant　the　same　things　to　Joe　and　nothing　more。　Yet　from　Heather　and　her　bosses；　he　continued　to　endure　a　surreptitious　scrutiny　that　seemed　to　be　based　on　the　assumption　that　he　was　engaged　in　some　criminal　enterprise　or；　at　best；　was　on　his　way　for　a　few　days　of　unspeakable　debauchery　in　Las　Vegas。
　　As　Heather　put　the　twenty　thousand　in　a　manila　envelope；　the　phone　rang　on　the　assistant　manager's　desk。　Murmuring　into　the　mouthpiece；　he　continued　to　find　Joe　of　interest。
　　By　the　time　Joe　left　the　bank；　five　minutes　past　closing　time；　the　last　customer　to　depart；　he　was　weak…kneed　with　apprehension。
　　The　heat　remained　oppressive；　and　the　five…o'clock　sky　was　still　cloudless　and　blue；　although　not　the　profound　blue　that　it　had　been　earlier。　Now　it　was　curiously　depthless；　a　flat　blue　that　reminded　him　of　something　he　had　seen　before。　The　reference　remained　elusive　until　he　had　gotten　into　the　car　and　started　the　engine…and　then　he　recalled　the　dead…blue　eyes　of　the　last　corpse　that　he　had　seen　on　a　morgue　gurney；　the　night　he　walked　away　from　crime　reporting　forever。
　　When　he　drove　out　of　the　bank　lot；　he　saw　that　the　assistant　manager　was　standing　beyond　the　glass　doors；　all　but　hidden　by　the　reflected　bronze　glare　of　the　westering　sun。　Maybe　he　was　storing　away　a　description　of　the　Honda　and　memorizing　the　license…plate　number。　Or　maybe　he　was　just　locking　the　doors。
　　The　metropolis　shimmered　under　the　blind　blue　stare　of　the　dead　sky。
　　
　　Passing　a　small　neighbourhood　shopping　centre；　from　across　three　lanes　of　traffic；　Joe　saw　a　woman　with　long　auburn　hair　stepping　out　of　a　Ford　Explorer。　She　was　parked　in　front　of　a　convenience　store。　From　the　passenger　side　jumped　a　little　girl　with　a　cap　of　tousled　blond　hair。　Their　faces　were　hidden　from　him。
　　Joe　angled　recklessly　across　traffic；　nearly　colliding　with　an　elderly　man　in　a　grey　Mercedes。　At　the　intersection；　as　the　light　turned　from　yellow　to　red；　he　made　an　illegal　U…turn。
　　He　already　regretted　what　he　was　about　to　do。　But　he　could　no　more　stop　himself　than　he　could　hasten　the　day's　end　by　manding　the　sun　to　set。　He　was　in　the　grip　of　a　bizarre　pulsion。
　　
　　Shaken　by　his　lack　of　self…control；　he　parked　near　the　woman's　Ford　Explorer。　He　got　out　of　the　Honda。　His　legs　were　weak。
　　He　stood　staring　at　the　convenience　store。　The　woman　and　the　child　were　in　there；　but　he　couldn't　see　them　for　the　posters　and　merchandise　displays　in　the　big　windows。
　　He　turned　away　from　the　store　and　leaned　against　the　Honda；　trying　to　pose　himself。
　　After　the　crash　in　Colorado；　Beth　McKay　had　referred　him　to　a　group　called　The　passionate　Friends；　a　nationwide　organization　for　people　who　had　lost　children。　Beth　was　slowly　finding　her　way　to　acceptance　through　passionate　Friends　in　Virginia；　so　Joe　went　to　a　few　meetings　of　a　local　chapter；　but　he　soon　stopped　attending。　In　that　regard；　he　was　like　most　other　men　in　his　situation；　bereaved　mothers　went　to　the　meetings　faithfully　and　found　fort　in　talking　with　others　whose　children　had　been　taken；　but　nearly　all　the　fathers　turned　inward　and　held　their　pain　close。　Joe　wanted　to　be　one　of　the　few　who　could　find　salvation　by　reaching　out；　but　male　biology　or　psychology…or　pure　stubbornness　or　self…pity…kept　him　aloof；　alone。
　　At　least；　from　passionate　Friends；　he　had　discovered　that　this　bizarre　pulsion；　by　which　he　was　now　seized；　was　not　unique　to　him。　It　was　so　mon　they　had　a　name　for　it：　searching　behaviour。
　　Everybody　who　lost　a　loved　one　engaged　in　a　degree　of　searching　behaviour；　although　it　was　more　intense　for　those　who　lost　children。　Some　grievers　suffered　it　worse　than　others。　Joe　had　it　bad。
　　Intellectually；　he　could　accept　that　the　dead　were　gone　forever。　Emotionally；　on　a　primal　level；　he　remained　convinced　that　he　would　see　them　again。　At　times　he　expected　his　wife　and　daughters　to　walk　through　a　door　or　to　be　on　the　phone　when　it　rang。　Driving；　he　was　occasionally　overe　by　the　certainty　that　Chrissie　and　Nina　were　behind　him　in　the　car；　and　he　turned；　breathless　with　excitement；　more　shocked　by　the　emptiness　of　the　backseat　than　he　would　have　been　to　find　that　the　girls　were　indeed　alive　again　and　with　him。
　　Sometimes　he　saw　them　on　a　street。　On　a　playground。　In　a　park。　On　the　beach。　They　were　always　at　a　distance；　walking　away　from　him。　Sometimes　he　let　them　go；　but　sometimes　he　was　pelled　to　follow；　to　see　their　faces；　to　say；　'Wait　for　me；　wait；　I'm　ing　with　you。'
　　Now　he　turned　away　from　the　Honda。　He　went　to　the　entrance　of　the　convenience　store。
　　
　　Opening　the　door；　he　hesitated。　He　was　torturing　himself。　The　inevitable　emotional　implosion　that　would　ensue　when　this　woman　and　child　proved　not　to　be　Michelle　and　Nina　would　be　like　taking　a　hammer　to　his　own　heart。
　　The　events　of　the　day…the　encounter　with　Rose　Tucker　at　the　cemetery；　her　words　to　him；　the　shocking　message　waiting　for　him　at　the　Post…had　been　so　extraordinary　that　he　discovered　a　gut…deep　faith　in　uncanny　possibilities　that　surprised　him。　If　Rose　could　fall　more　than　four　miles；　smash　unchecked　into　Colorado　rock；　and　walk　aw