a confession-第13节

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verify　it。

　　　　　During　that　time　this　is　what　happened　to　me。　　During　that

whole　year；　when　I　was　asking　myself　almost　every　moment　whether　I

should　not　end　matters　with　a　noose　or　a　bullet　　all　that　time；

together　with　the　course　of　thought　and　observation　about　which　I

have　spoken；　my　heart　was　oppressed　with　a　painful　feeling；　which

I　can　only　describe　as　a　search　for　God。

　　　　　I　say　that　that　search　for　God　was　not　reasoning；　but　a

feeling；　because　that　search　proceeded　not　from　the　course　of　my

thoughts　　it　was　even　directly　contrary　to　them　　but　proceeded

from　the　heart。　It　was　a　feeling　of　fear；　orphanage；　isolation　in

a　strange　land；　and　a　hope　of　help　from　someone。

　　　　　Though　I　was　quite　convinced　of　the　impossibility　of　proving

the　existence　of　a　Deity　（Kant　had　shown；　and　I　quite　understood

him；　that　it　could　not　be　proved）；　I　yet　sought　for　god；　hoped　that

I　should　find　Him；　and　from　old　habit　addressed　prayers　to　that

which　I　sought　but　had　not　found。　　I　went　over　in　my　mind　the

arguments　of　Kant　and　Schopenhauer　showing　the　impossibility　of

proving　the　existence　of　a　God；　and　I　began　to　verify　those

arguments　and　to　refute　them。　　Cause；　said　I　to　myself；　is　not　a

category　of　thought　such　as　are　Time　and　Space。　　If　I　exist；　there

must　be　some　cause　for　it；　and　a　cause　of　causes。　　And　that　first

cause　of　all　is　what　men　have　called　〃God〃。　　And　I　paused　on　that

thought；　and　tried　with　all　my　being　to　recognize　the　presence　of

that　cause。　　And　as　soon　as　I　acknowledged　that　there　is　a　force　in

whose　power　I　am；　I　at　once　felt　that　I　could　live。　　But　I　asked

myself：　What　is　that　cause；　that　force？　　How　am　I　to　think　of　it？　

What　are　my　relations　to　that　which　I　call　〃God〃？　　And　only　the

familiar　replies　occurred　to　me：　　〃He　is　the　Creator　and

Preserver。〃　　This　reply　did　not　satisfy　me；　and　I　felt　I　was　losing

within　me　what　I　needed　for　my　life。　　I　became　terrified　and　began

to　pray　to　Him　whom　I　sought；　that　He　should　help　me。　　But　the　more

I　prayed　the　more　apparent　it　became　to　me　that　He　did　not　hear　me；

and　that　there　was　no　one　to　whom　to　address　myself。　　And　with

despair　in　my　heart　that　there　is　no　God　at　all；　I　said：　　〃Lord；

have　mercy；　save　me！　　Lord；　teach　me！〃　　But　no　one　had　mercy　on　me；

and　I　felt　that　my　life　was　coming　to　a　standstill。

　　　　　But　again　and　again；　from　various　sides；　I　returned　to　the

same　conclusion　that　I　could　not　have　come　into　the　world　without

any　cause　or　reason　or　meaning；　I　could　not　be　such　a　fledgling

fallen　from　its　nest　as　I　felt　myself　to　be。　　Or；　granting　that　I

be　such；　lying　on　my　back　crying　in　the　high　grass；　even　then　I　cry

because　I　know　that　a　mother　has　borne　me　within　her；　has　hatched

me；　warmed　me；　fed　me；　and　loved　me。　　Where　is　she　　that　mother？　

If　I　have　been　deserted；　who　has　deserted　me？　　I　cannot　hide　from

myself　that　someone　bored　me；　loving　me。　　Who　was　that　someone？　

Again　〃God〃？　　He　knows　and　sees　my　searching；　my　despair；　and　my

struggle。〃

　　　　　〃He　exists；〃　said　I　to　myself。　　And　I　had　only　for　an　instant

to　admit　that；　and　at　once　life　rose　within　me；　and　I　felt　the

possibility　and　joy　of　being。　　But　again；　from　the　admission　of　the

existence　of　a　God　I　went　on　to　seek　my　relation　with　Him；　and

again　I　imagined　*that*　God　　our　Creator　in　Three　Persons　who

sent　His　Son；　the　Saviour　　and　again　*that*　God；　detached　from

the　world　and　from　me；　melted　like　a　block　of　ice；　melted　before　my

eyes；　and　again　nothing　remained；　and　again　the　spring　of　life

dried　up　within　me；　and　I　despaired　and　felt　that　I　had　nothing　to

do　but　to　kill　myself。　　And　the　worst　of　all　was；　that　I　felt　I

could　not　do　it。

　　　　　Not　twice　or　three　times；　but　tens　and　hundreds　of　times；　I

reached　those　conditions；　first　of　joy　and　animation；　and　then　of

despair　and　consciousness　of　the　impossibility　of　living。

　　　　　I　remember　that　it　was　in　early　spring：　I　was　alone　in　the

wood　listening　to　its　sounds。　　I　listened　and　thought　ever　of　the

same　thing；　as　I　had　constantly　done　during　those　last　three　years。　

I　was　again　seeking　God。

　　　　　〃Very　well；　there　is　no　God；〃　said　I　to　myself；　〃there　is　no

one　who　is　not　my　imagination　but　a　reality　like　my　whole　life。　　

He　does　not　exist；　and　no　miracles　can　prove　His　existence；　because

the　miracles　would　be　my　imagination；　besides　being　irrational。

　　　　　〃But　my　*perception*　of　God；　of　Him　whom　I　seek；〃　I　asked

myself；　〃where　has　that　perception　come　from？〃　　And　again　at　this

thought　the　glad　waves　of　life　rose　within　me。　　All　that　was　around

me　came　to　life　and　received　a　meaning。　　But　my　joy　did　not　last

long。　　My　mind　continued　its　work。

　　　　　〃The　conception　of　God　is　not　God；〃　said　I　to　myself。　　〃The

conception　is　what　takes　place　within　me。　　The　conception　of　God　is

something　I　can　evoke　or　can　refrain　from　evoking　in　myself。　　That

is　not　what　I　seek。　　I　seek　that　without　which　there　can　be　no

life。〃　　And　again　all　around　me　and　within　me　began　to　die；　and

again　I　wished　to　kill　myself。

　　　　　But　then　I　turned　my　gaze　upon　myself；　on　what　went　on　within

me；　and　I　remembered　all　those　cessations　of　life　and　reanimations

that　recurred　within　me　hundreds　of　times。　　I　remembered　that　I

only　lived　at　those　times　when　I　believed　in　God。　　As　it　was

before；　so　it　was　now；　I　need　only　be　aware　of　God　to　live；　I　need

only　forget　Him；　or　disbelieve　Him；　and　I　died。

　　　　　What　is　this　animation　and　dying？　　I　do　not　live　when　I　lose

belief　in　the　existence　of　God。　　I　should　long　ago　have　killed

myself　had　I　not　had　a　dim　hope　of　finding　Him。　　I　live；　really

live；　only　when　I　feel　Him　and　seek　Him。　　〃What　more　do　you　seek？〃

exclaimed　a　voice　within　me。　　〃This　is　He。　　He　is　that　without

which　one　cannot　live。　　To　know　God　and　to　live　is　one　and　the　same

thing。　　God　is　life。〃

　　　　　〃Live　seeking　God；　and　then　you　will　not　live　without　God。〃　

And　more　than　ever　before；　all　within　me　and　around　me　lit　up；　and

the　light　did　not　again　abandon　me。

　　　　　And　I　was　saved　from　suicide。　　When　and　how　this　change

occurred　I　could　not　say。　　As　imperceptibly　and　gradually　the　force

of　life　in　me　had　been　destroyed　and　I　had　reached　the

impossibility　of　living；　a　cessation　of　life　and　the　necessity　of

suicide；　so　imperceptibly　and　gradually　did　that　force　of　life

return　to　me。　　And　strange　to　say　the　strength　of　life　which

returned　to　me　was　not　new；　but　quite　old　　the　same　that　had

borne　me　along　in　my　earliest　days。

　　　　　I　quite　returned　to　what　belonged　to　my　earliest　childhood　and

youth。　　I　returned　to　the　belief　in　that　Will　which　produced　me　and

desires　something　of　me。　　I　returned　to　the　belief　that　the　chief

and　only　aim　of　my　life　is　to　be　better；　i。e。　to　live　in　accord

with　that　Will。　　and　I　returned　to　the　belief　that　I　can　find　the

expression　of　that　Will　in　what　humanity；　in　the　distant　past

hidden　from；　has　produced　for　its　guidance：　　that　is　to　say；　I

returned　to　a　belief　in　God；　in　moral　perfection；　and　in　a

tradition　transmitting　the　meaning　of　life。　　There　was　only　this

difference；　that　then　all　this　was　accepted　unconsciously；　while

now　I　knew　that　without　it　I　could　not　live。

　　　　　What　happened　to　me　was　something　like　this：　　I　was　put　into

a　boat　（I　do　not　remember　when）　and　pushed　off　from　an　unknown

shore；　shown　the　direction　of　the　opposite　shore；　had　oars　put　into

my　unpractised　hands；　and　was　left　alone。　　I　rowed　as　best　I　could

and　moved　forward；　but　the　further　I　advanced　towards　the　middle　of

the　stream　the　more　rapid　grew　the　current　bearing　me　away　from　my

goal　and　the　more　frequently　did　I　encounter　others；　like　myself；

borne　away　by　the　stream。　　There　were　a　few　rowers　who　continued　to

row；　there　were　others　who　had　abandoned　their　oars；　there　were

large　boats　and　immense　vessels　full　of　people。　　Some　struggled

against　the　current；　others　yielded　to　it。　　And　the　further　I　went

the　more；　seeing　the　progress　down　the　current　of　all　those　who

were　adrift；　I　forgot　the　direction　given　me。　　In　the　very　centre

of　the　stream；　amid　the　crowd　of　boats　and　vessels　which　were　being

borne　down　stream；　I　quite　lost　my　direction　and　abandoned　my　oars。　

Around　me　on　all　sides；　with　mirth　and　rejoicing；　people　with　sails

and　oars　were　borne　down　the　stream；　assuring　me　and　each　other

that　no　other　direction　was　possible。　　And　I　believed　them　and

floated　with　them。　　And　I　was　carried　far；　so　far　that　I　heard　the

roar　of　the　rapids　in　which　I　must　be　shattered；　and　I　saw　boats

shattered　in　them。　　And　I　recollected　myself。　　I　was　long　unable　to

understand　what　had　happened　to　me。　　I　saw　before　me　nothing　but

destruction；　towards　which　I　was　rushing　and　which　I　feared。　　I　saw

no　safety　anywhere　and　did　not　know　what　to　do；　but；　looking　back；

I　perceived　innumerable　boats　which　unceasingly　and　strenuously

pushed　across　the　stream；　and　I　remembered　about　the　shore；　the

oars；　and　the　direction；　and　began　to　pull　back　upwards　against　the

stream　and　towa