grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第8节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


　voice　these　words；　SIMON；　SIMON；　　sounded　in　mine　ears。　　I　thought　verily；　as　I　have　told　you；　that　　somebody　had　called　after　me；　that　was　half　a　mile　behind　me：　　and　　although　that　was　not　my　name；　yet　it　made　me　suddenly　look　behind　　me；　believing　that　he　that　called　so　loud；　meant　me。

95。　　But　so　foolish　was　I；　and　ignorant；　that　I　knew　not　the　reason　　of　this　sound；　（which　as　I　did　both　see　and　feel　soon　after；　was　　sent　from　heaven　as　an　alarm；　to　awaken　me　to　provide　for　what　was　　coming；）　only　I　should　muse　and　wonder　in　my　mind；　to　think　what　　should　be　the　reason　of　this　scripture；　and　that　at　this　rate；　so　　often　and　so　loud；　should　still　be　sounding　and　rattling　in　mine　　ears：　　but；　as　I　said　before；　I　soon　after　perceived　the　end　of　God　　therein。

96。　　For；　about　the　space　of　a　month　after；　a　very　great　storm　came　　down　upon　me；　which　handled　me　twenty　times　worse　than　all　I　had　　met　with　before；　it　came　stealing　upon　me；　now　by　one　piece；　then　　by　another：　　First；　all　my　comfort　was　taken　from　me；　then　darkness　　seized　upon　me；　after　which；　whole　floods　of　blasphemies；　both　　against　God；　Christ；　and　the　scriptures；　were　poured　upon　my　　spirit；　to　my　great　confusion　and　astonishment。　　These　blasphemous　　thoughts　were　such　as　stirred　up　questions　in　me　against　the　very　　being　of　God；　and　of　His　only　beloved　Son：　　As；　whether　there　were　　in　truth；　a　God　or　Christ？　　And　whether　the　holy　scriptures　were　　not　rather　a　fable；　and　cunning　story；　than　the　holy　and　pure　word　　of　God？

97。　　The　tempter　would　also　much　assault　me　with　this；　HOW　CAN　YOU　　TELL　BUT　THAT　THE　Turks　HAD　AS　GOOD　SCRIPTURES　TO　PROVE　THEIR　　Mahomet　THE　SAVIOUR；　AS　WE　HAVE　TO　PROVE　OUR　JESUS　IS？　　AND；　COULD　　I　THINK；　THAT　SO　MANY　TEN　THOUSANDS；　IN　SO　MANY　COUNTRIES　AND　　KINGDOMS；　SHOULD　BE　WITHOUT　THE　KNOWLEDGE　OF　THE　RIGHT　WAY　TO　　HEAVEN；　（IF　THERE　WERE　INDEED　A　HEAVEN）；　AND　THAT　WE　ONLY；　WHO　LIVE　　IN　A　CORNER　OF　THE　EARTH；　SHOULD　ALONE　BE　BLESSED　THEREWITH？　　EVERY　　ONE　DOTH　THINK　HIS　OWN　RELIGION　RIGHTEST；　BOTH　Jews　AND　Moors；　AND　　Pagans；　AND　HOW　IF　ALL　OUR　FAITH；　AND　CHRIST；　AND　SCRIPTURES；　　SHOULD　BE　BUT　A　THINK　SO　TOO？

98。　　Sometimes　I　have　endeavoured　to　argue　against　these　　suggestions；　and　to　set　some　of　the　sentences　of　blessed　PAUL　　against　them；　but　alas！　I　quickly　felt；　when　I　thus　did；　such　　arguings　as　these　would　return　again　upon　me；　THOUGH　WE　MADE　SO　　GREAT　A　MATTER　OF　PAUL；　AND　OF　HIS　WORDS；　YET　HOW　COULD　I　TELL；　BUT　　THAT　IN　VERY　DEED；　HE　BEING　A　SUBTLE　AND　CUNNING　MAN；　MIGHT　GIVE　　HIMSELF　UP　TO　DECEIVE　WITH　STRONG　DELUSIONS：　　AND　ALSO　TAKE　THE　　PAINS　AND　TRAVEL；　TO　UNDO　AND　DESTROY　HIS　FELLOWS。

99。　　These　suggestions；　（with　many　others　which　at　this　time　I　may　　not；　and　dare　not　utter；　neither　by　word　or　pen；）　did　make　such　a　　seizure　upon　my　spirit；　and　did　so　overweigh　my　heart；　both　with　　their　number；　continuance；　and　fiery　force；　that　I　felt　as　if　there　　were　nothing　else　but　these　from　morning　to　night　within　me；　and　as　　though　indeed　there　could　be　room　for　nothing　else；　and　also　　concluded；　that　God　had；　in　very　wrath　to　my　soul；　given　me　up　to　　them；　to　be　carried　away　with　them；　as　with　a　mighty　whirlwind。

100。　　Only　by　the　distaste　that　they　gave　unto　my　spirit；　I　FELT　　THERE　WAS　SOMETHING　IN　ME　THAT　REFUSED　TO　EMBRACE　THEM。　　But　this　　consideration　I　then　only　had；　when　God　gave　me　leave　to　swallow　my　　spittle；　otherwise　the　noise；　and　strength；　and　force　of　these　　temptations　would　drown　and　overflow；　and　as　it　were；　bury　all　such　　thoughts；　or　the　remembrance　of　any　such　thing。　　While　I　was　in　　this　temptation；　I　often　found　my　mind　suddenly　put　upon　it　to　　curse　and　swear；　or　to　speak　some　grievous　thing　against　God；　or　　Christ　His　Son；　and　of　the　scriptures。

101。　　Now　I　thought；　SURELY　I　AM　POSSESSED　OF　THE　DEVIL：　　at　other　　times；　again；　I　thought　I　should　be　bereft　of　my　wits；　for　instead　　of　lauding　and　magnifying　God　the　Lord；　with　others；　if　I　have　but　　heard　Him　spoken　of；　presently　some　most　horrible　blasphemous　　thought　or　other　would　bolt　out　of　my　heart　against　Him；　so　that　　whether　I　did　think　that　God　was；　or　again　did　think　there　was　no　　such　thing；　no　love；　nor　peace；　nor　gracious　disposition　could　I　　feel　within　me。

102。　　These　things　did　sink　me　into　very　deep　despair；　for　I　　concluded　that　such　things　could　not　possibly　be　found　amongst　them　　that　loved　God。　　I　often；　when　these　temptations　had　been　with　　force　upon　me；　did　compare　myself　to　the　case　of　such　a　child；　whom　　some　gipsy　hath　by　force　took　up　in　her　arms；　and　is　carrying　from　　friend　and　country。　　Kick　sometimes　I　did；　and　also　shriek　and　cry；　　but　yet　I　was　bound　in　the　wings　of　the　temptation；　and　the　wind　　would　carry　me　away。　　I　thought　also　of　Saul；　and　of　the　evil　　spirit　that　did　possess　him：　　and　did　greatly　fear　that　my　　condition　was　the　same　with　that　of　his。　　1　Sam。　x。

103。　　In　these　days；　when　I　have　heard　others　talk　of　what　was　the　　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　then　would　the　tempter　so　provoke　me　to　　desire　to　sin　that　against　sin；　that　I　was　as　if　I　could　not；　must　　not；　neither　should　be　quiet　until　I　had　committed　it；　now　no　sin　　would　serve　but　that。　　If　it　were　to　be　committed　by　speaking　of　　such　a　word；　then　I　have　been　as　if　my　mouth　would　have　spoken　that　　word；　whether　I　would　or　no；　and　in　so　strong　a　measure　was　this　　temptation　upon　me；　that　often　I　have　been　ready　to　clap　my　hand　　under　my　chin；　to　hold　my　mouth　from　opening；　and　to　that　end　also；　　I　have　had　thoughts　at　other　times；　to　leap　with　my　head　downward；　　into　some　muckhill…hole　or　other；　to　keep　my　mouth　from　speaking。

104。　　Now　again　I　beheld　the　condition　of　the　dog　and　toad；　and　　counted　the　estate　of　every　thing　that　God　had　made；　far　better　　than　this　dreadful　state　of　mine；　and　such　as　my　companions　were。　　　Yea；　gladly　would　I　have　been　in　the　condition　of　a　dog　or　horse：　　　for　I　knew　they　had　no　souls　to　perish　under　the　everlasting　weight　　of　hell；　or　sin；　as　mine　was　like　to　do。　　Nay；　and　though　I　saw　　this；　felt　this；　and　was　broken　to　pieces　with　it；　yet　that　which　　added　to　my　sorrow　was；　I　could　not　find；　that　with　all　my　soul　I　　did　desire　deliverance。　　That　scripture　did　also　tear　and　rend　my　　soul　in　the　midst　of　these　distractions；　THE　WICKED　ARE　LIKE　THE　　TROUBLED　SEA；　WHEN　IT　CANNOT　REST；　WHOSE　WATERS　CAST　UP　MIRE　AND　　DIRT。　　THERE　IS　NO　PEACE；　SAITH　MY　GOD；　TO　THE　WICKED。　　Isa。　lvii。　　20；　21。

105。　　And　now　my　heart　was；　at　times；　exceeding　hard；　if　I　would　　have　given　a　thousand　pounds　for　a　tear；　I　could　not　shed　one：　　no　　nor　sometimes　scarce　desire　to　shed　one。　　I　was　much　dejected；　to　　think　that　this　would　be　my　lot。　　I　saw　some　could　mourn　and　lament　　their　sin；　and　others　again；　could　rejoice　and　bless　God　for　　Christ；　and　others　again；　could　quietly　talk　of；　and　with　gladness　　remember　the　word　of　God；　while　I　only　was　in　the　storm　or　tempest。　　　This　much　sunk　me；　I　thought　my　condition　was　alone；　I　should　　therefore　much　bewail　my　hard　hap；　but　get　out　of；　or　get　rid　of　　these　things；　I　could　not。

106。　　While　this　temptation　lasted；　which　was　about　a　year；　I　could　　attend　upon　none　of　the　ordinances　of　God；　but　with　sore　and　great　　affliction。　　Yea；　then　I　was　most　distressed　with　blasphemies。　　If　　I　had　been　hearing　the　word；　then　uncleanness；　blasphemies　and　　despair　would　hold　me　a　captive　there：　　if　I　have　been　reading；　　then　sometimes　I　had　sudden　thoughts　to　question　all　I　read：　　　sometimes　again；　my　mind　would　be　so　strangely　snatched　away；　and　　possessed　with　other　things；　that　I　have　neither　known；　nor　　regarded；　nor　remembered　so　much　as　the　sentence　that　but　now　I　　have　read。

107。　　In　prayer　also　I　have　been　greatly　troubled　at　this　time；　　sometimes　I　have　thought　I　have　felt　him　behind　me　pulling　my　　clothes：　　he　would　be　also　continually　at　me　in　time　of　prayer；　to　　have　done；　break　off；　make　haste；　you　have　prayed　enough；　and　stay　　no　longer；　still　drawing　my　mind　away。　　Sometimes　also　he　would　　cast　in　such　wicked　thoughts　as　these；　that　I　must　pray　to　him；　or　　for　him：　　I　have　thought　sometimes　of　that；　FALL　DOWN；　or；　IF　THOU　　WILT　FALL　DOWN　AND　WORSHIP　ME。　　Matt。　iii。　9。

108。　　Also；　when　because　I　have　had　wandering　thoughts　in　the　time　　of　this　duty；　I　have　laboured　to　compose　my　mind；　and　fix　it　upon　　God；　then　with　great　force　hath　the　tempter　laboured　to　distract　　me；　and　confound　me；　and　to　turn　away　my　mind；　by　presenting　to　my　　heart　and　fancy；　the　form　of　a　bush；　a　bull；　a　besom；　or　the　like；　　as　if　I　should　pray　to　these：　　To　these　he　would　also　（at　sometimes　　especially）　so　hold　my　mind；　that　I　was　as　if　I　could　think　of　　nothing　else；　or　pray　to　nothing　else　but　to　these；　or　such　as　　they。

109。　　Yet　at　times　I　should　have　some　strong　and　heart…affecting　　apprehensions　of　God；　and　the　reality　of　the　truth　of　His　gospel。　　　But；　oh！　how　would　my　heart；　at　such　times；　put　forth　itself　with　　unexpressible　groanings。　　My　whole　soul　was　then　in　every　word；　I　　should　cry　with　pangs　after　God；　that　He　would　be　merciful　unto　me；　　but　then　I　should　be　daunted　again　with　such　conceits　as　these：　　I　　should　think　that　God　did　mock　at　these　my　prayers；　saying；　and　　that　in　the　audience　of　the　holy　angels；　THIS　POOR　SIMPLE　WRETCH　　DOTH　HANKER　AFTER　ME；　AS　IF　I　HAD　NOTHING　TO