grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第11节

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was　thus　tempted；　I　would　　say　in　myself；　NOW　I　AM　AT　MEAT；　LET　ME　MAKE　AN　END。　　NO；　said　he；　　YOU　MUST　DO　IT　NOW；　OR　YOU　WILL　DISPLEASE　GOD；　AND　DESPISE　CHRIST。　　　Wherefore　I　was　much　afflicted　with　these　things；　and　because　of　　the　sinfulness　of　my　nature　（imagining　that　these　were　impulses　　from　God）；　I　should　deny　to　do　it；　as　if　I　denied　God；　and　then　　should　I　be　as　guilty；　because　I　did　not　obey　a　temptation　of　the　　devil；　as　if　I　had　broken　the　law　of　God　indeed。

139。　　But　to　be　brief：　　one　morning　as　I　did　lie　in　my　bed；　I　was；　　as　at　other　times；　most　fiercely　assaulted　with　this　temptation；　TO　　SELL　AND　PART　WITH　CHRIST；　the　wicked　suggestion　still　running　in　　my　mind；　SELL　HIM；　SELL　HIM；　SELL　HIM；　SELL　HIM；　SELL　HIM；　as　fast　　as　a　man　could　speak：　　against　which　also；　in　my　mind；　as　at　other　　times；　I　answered；　NO；　NO；　NOT　FOR　THOUSANDS；　THOUSANDS；　THOUSANDS；　　at　least　twenty　times　together：　　but　at　last；　after　much　striving；　　even　until　I　was　almost　out　of　breath；　I　felt　this　thought　pass　　through　my　heart；　LET　HIM　GO；　IF　HE　WILL；　and　I　thought　also；　that　　I　felt　my　heart　freely　consent　thereto。　　Oh！　the　diligence　of　　Satan！　　Oh！　the　desperateness　of　man's　heart！

140。　　Now　was　the　battle　won；　and　down　fell　I　as　a　bird　that　is　　shot　from　the　top　of　a　tree；　into　great　guilt；　and　fearful　despair。　　　Thus　getting　out　of　my　bed；　I　went　moping　into　the　field；　but　God　　knows；　with　as　heavy　a　heart　as　mortal　man；　I　think；　could　bear；　　where　for　the　space　of　two　hours；　I　was　like　a　man　bereft　of　life；　　and；　as　now；　past　all　recovery；　and　bound　over　to　eternal　　punishment。

141。　　And　withal；　that　scripture　did　seize　upon　my　soul：　　OR　　PROFANE　PERSONS　AS　ESAU；　WHO　FOR　ONE　MORSEL　OF　MEAT；　SOLD　HIS　　BIRTHRIGHT：　　FOR　YE　KNOW；　HOW　THAT　AFTERWARD；　WHEN　HE　WOULD　HAVE　　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　WAS　REJECTED；　FOR　HE　FOUND　NO　PLACE　OF　　REPENTANCE；　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　IT　CAREFULLY　WITH　TEARS。　　Heb。　xii。　　16；　17。


142。　　Now　was　I　as　one　bound；　I　felt　myself　shut　up　unto　the　　judgment　to　come；　nothing　now；　for　two　years　together；　would　abide　　with　me；　but　damnation；　and　an　expectation　of　damnation：　　I　say；　　nothing　now　would　abide　with　me　but　this；　save　some　few　moments　for　　relief；　as　in　the　sequel　you　will　see。

143。　　These　words　were　to　my　soul；　like　fetters　of　brass　to　my　　legs；　in　the　continual　sound　of　which　I　went　for　several　months　　together。　　But　about　ten　or　eleven　o'clock　on　that　day；　as　I　was　　walking　under　an　hedge　（full　of　sorrow　and　guilt；　God　knows）；　and　　bemoaning　myself　for　this　hard　hap；　that　such　a　thought　should　　arise　within　me；　suddenly　this　sentence　rushed　in　upon　me；　THE　　BLOOD　OF　CHRIST　REMITS　ALL　GUILT。　　At　this　I　made　a　stand　in　my　　spirit：　　with　that　this　word　took　hold　upon　me；　THE　BLOOD　OF　JESUS　　CHRIST　HIS　SON；　CLEANSETH　US　FROM　ALL　SIN。　　1　John　i。　7。

144。　　Now　I　began　to　conceive　peace　in　my　soul；　and　methought　I　　saw；　as　if　the　tempter　did　leer　and　steal　away　from　me；　as　being　　ashamed　of　what　he　had　done。　　At　the　same　time　also　I　had　my　sin；　　and　the　blood　of　Christ；　thus　represented　to　me；　That　my　sin；　when　　compared　to　the　blood　of　Christ；　was　no　more　to　it；　than　this　　little　clod　or　stone　before　me；　is　to　this　vast　and　wide　field　that　　here　I　see。　　This　gave　me　good　encouragement　for　the　space　of　two　　or　three　hours；　in　which　time　also；　methought；　I　saw；　by　faith；　the　　Son　of　God；　as　suffering　for　my　sins：　　but　because　it　tarried　not；　　I　therefore　sunk　in　my　spirit；　under　exceeding　guilt　again。

145。　　But　chiefly　by　the　aforementioned　scripture　concerning　ESAU'S　　selling　of　his　birthright；　for　that　scripture　would　lie　all　day　　long；　all　the　week　long；　yea；　all　the　year　long　in　my　mind；　and　　hold　me　down；　so　that　I　could　by　no　means　lift　up　myself；　for　when　　I　would　strive　to　turn　to　this　scripture　or　that；　for　relief；　still　　that　sentence　would　be　sounding　in　me；　FOR　YE　KNOW；　HOW　THAT　　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　FOUND　NO　　PLACE　OF　REPENTANCE；　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　IT　CAREFULLY　WITH　TEARS。

146。　　Sometimes；　indeed；　I　should　have　a　touch　from　that　in　Luke　　xxii。　31；　I　HAVE　PRAYED　FOR　THEE　THAT　THY　FAITH　FAIL　NOT；　but　it　　would　not　abide　upon　me；　neither　could　I；　indeed；　when　I　considered　　my　state；　find　ground　to　conceive　in　the　least；　that　there　should　　be　the　root　of　that　grace　in　me；　having　sinned　as　I　had　done。　　Now　　was　I　tore　and　rent　in　an　heavy　case　for　many　days　together。

147。　　Then　began　I　with　sad　and　careful　heart　to　consider　of　the　　nature　and　largeness　of　my　sin；　and　to　search　into　the　word　of　God；　　if　I　could　in　any　place　espy　a　word　of　promise；　or　any　encouraging　　sentence；　by　which　I　might　take　relief。　　Wherefore　I　began　to　　consider　that　of　Mark　iii。　28：　　ALL　SINS　SHALL　BE　FORGIVEN　UNTO　THE　　SONS　OF　MEN；　AND　BLASPHEMIES　WHEREWITH　SOEVER　THEY　SHALL　BLASPHEME。　　　Which　place；　methought　at　a　blush；　did　contain　a　large　and　glorious　　promise　for　the　pardon　of　high　offences；　but　considering　the　place　　more　fully；　I　thought　it　was　rather　to　be　understood；　as　relating　　more　chiefly　to　those　who　had；　while　in　a　natural　estate；　committed　　such　things　as　there　are　mentioned；　but　not　to　me；　who　had　not　only　　received　light　and　mercy；　but　that　had　both　after；　and　also　　contrary　to　that；　so　slighted　Christ　as　I　had　done。

148。　　I　feared；　therefore；　that　this　wicked　sin　of　mine；　might　be　　that　sin　unpardonable；　of　which　He　there　thus　speaketh。　　BUT　HE　　THAT　SHALL　BLASPHEME　AGAINST　THE　HOLY　GHOST；　HATH　NEVER　　FORGIVENESS；　BUT　IS　IN　DANGER　OF　ETERNAL　DAMNATION。　　Mark　iii。　29。　　　And　I　did　the　rather　give　credit　to　this；　because　of　that　sentence　　in　the　Hebrews：　　FOR　YOU　KNOW　HOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　WOULD　　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　WAS　REJECTED；　FOR　HE　FOUND　NO　PLACE　　OF　REPENTANCE；　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　IT　CAREFULLY　WITH　TEARS。　　And　this　　stuck　always　with　me。

149。　　And　now　was　I　both　a　burthen　and　a　terror　to　myself；　nor　did　　I　ever　so　know；　as　now；　what　it　was　to　be　weary　of　my　life；　and　yet　　afraid　to　die。　　Oh！　how　gladly　now　would　I　have　been　anybody　but　　myself！　anything　but　a　man；　and　in　any　condition　but　my　own！　　For　　there　was　nothing　did　pass　more　frequently　over　my　mind；　than　that　　it　was　impossible　for　me　to　be　forgiven　my　transgression；　and　to　be　　saved　from　the　wrath　to　come。

150。　　And　now　I　began　to　call　again　time　that　was　spent；　wishing　a　　thousand　times　twice　told；　that　the　day　was　yet　to　come　when　I　　should　be　tempted　to　such　a　sin；　concluding　with　great　indignation；　　both　against　my　heart；　and　all　assaults；　how　I　would　rather　have　　been　torn　in　pieces；　than　be　found　a　consenter　thereto。　　But　alas！　　these　thoughts；　and　wishings；　and　resolvings　were　now　too　late　to　　help　me；　this　thought　had　passed　my　heart；　God　hath　let　me　go；　and　　I　am　fallen。　　Oh！　thought　I；　THAT　IT　WERE　WITH　ME　AS　IN　MONTHS　　PAST；　AS　IN　THE　DAYS　WHEN　GOD　PRESERVED　ME！　　Job　xxix。　2。

151。　　Then　again；　being　loth　and　unwilling　to　perish；　I　began　to　　compare　my　sin　with　others　to　see　if　I　could　find　that　any　of　those　　that　were　saved；　had　done　as　I　had　done。　　So　I　considered　DAVID'S　　adultery；　and　murder；　and　found　them　most　heinous　crimes；　and　those　　too　committed　after　light　and　grace　received：　　but　yet　by　　considering　that　his　transgressions　were　only　such　as　were　against　　the　law　of　MOSES；　from　which　the　Lord　Christ　could；　with　the　　consent　of　His　word；　deliver　him：　　but　mine　was　against　the　gospel；　　yea；　against　the　Mediator　thereof；　I　had　sold　my　Saviour。

152。　　Now　again　should　I　be　as　if　racked　upon　the　wheel；　when　I　　considered；　that；　besides　the　guilt　that　possessed　me；　I　should　be　　so　void　of　grace；　so　bewitched。　　What；　thought　I；　must　it　be　no　sin　　but　this？　　Must　it　needs　be　the　GREAT　TRANSGRESSION？　　Ps。　xix。　13。　　　Must　THAT　WICKED　ONE　touch　my　soul？　　1　John　v。　18。　　Oh！　what　sting　　did　I　find　in　all　these　sentences？

153。　　What；　thought　I；　is　there　but　ONE　sin　that　is　unpardonable？　　but　ONE　sin　that　layeth　the　soul　without　the　reach　of　God's　mercy；　　and　must　I　be　guilty　of　THAT？　must　it　needs　be　that？　　Is　there　but　　one　SIN　among　SO　MANY　millions　of　sins；　for　which　there　is　no　　forgiveness；　and　must　I　commit　this？　　Oh！　unhappy　SIN！　　Oh！　unhappy　　MAN！　　These　things　would　so　break　and　confound　my　spirit；　that　I　　could　not　tell　what　to　do；　I　thought　at　times；　they　would　have　　broke　my　wits；　and　still；　to　aggravate　my　misery；　that　would　run　in　　my　mind；　YOU　KNOW；　HOW；　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　WOULD　HAVE　　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　WAS　REJECTED。　　OH！　NO　ONE　KNOWS　THE　　TERRORS　OF　THOSE　DAYS　BUT　MYSELF。

154。　　After　this　I　began　to　consider　of　PETER'S　sin；　which　he　　committed　in　denying　his　Master：　　and　indeed；　this　came　nighest　to　　mine　of　any　that　I　could　find；　for　he　had　denied　his　Saviour；　as　I；　　after　light　and　mercy　received；　yea；　and　that　too；　after　warning　　given　him。　　I　also　considered；　that　he　did　it　both　once　and　twice；　　and　that；　after　time　to　consider　betwixt。　　But　though　I　put　all　　these　circumstances　together；　that；　if　possible　I　might　find　help；　　yet　I　considered　again；　that　his　was　but　A　DENIAL　OF　HIS　MASTER；　　but　mine　was；　A　SELLING　OF　MY　SAVIOUR。　　Wherefore　I　thought　with　　myself；　that　I　came　nearer　to　JUDAS；　than　either　to　DAVID　or　PETER。

155。　　Here　again　my　torment　would　flame　out　and　afflict　me；　yea；　it　　would　grind　me；　as　it　were