sense and sensibility(理智与情感)-第85节
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“At Marlborough！”—cried Elinor； more and more at a loss to
understand what he would be at。
“Yes—I left London this morning at eight o’clock； and the only
ten minutes I have spent out of my chaise since that time procured
me a luncheon at Marlborough。”
The steadiness of his manner； and the intelligence of his eye as
he spoke； convincing Elinor； that whatever other unpardonable
folly might bring him to Cleveland； he was not brought there by
intoxication； she said； after a moment’s recollection；
“Mr。 Willoughby； you ought to feel； and I certainly do—that after
what has passed—your coming here in this manner； and forcing
yourself upon my notice； requires a very particular excuse。—What
is it； that you mean by it？”—
“I mean”—said he； with serious energy—“if I can； to make you
hate me one degree less than you do now。 I mean to offer some
kind of explanation； some kind of apology； for the past； to open my
whole heart to you； and by convincing you； that though I have
been always a blockhead； I have not been always a rascal； to
obtain something like forgiveness from Ma—from your sister。”
“Is this the real reason of your coming？”
“Upon my soul it is；”—was his answer； with a warmth which
brought all the former Willoughby to her remembrance； and in
spite of herself made her think him sincere。
“If that is all； you may be satisfied already；—for Marianne
does—she has long forgiven you。”
“Has she！”—he cried； in the same eager tone。—“Then she has
forgiven me before she ought to have done it。 But she shall forgive
me again； and on more reasonable grounds。—Now will you listen
to me？”
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Elinor bowed her assent。
“I do not know；” said he； after a pause of expectation on her
side； and thoughtfulness on his own；—“how you may have
accounted for my behaviour to your sister； or what diabolical
motive you may have imputed to me。—Perhaps you will hardly
think the better of me；—it is worth the trial however； and you shall
hear every thing。 When I first became intimate in your family； I
had no other intention； no other view in the acquaintance than to
pass my time pleasantly while I was obliged to remain in
Devonshire； more pleasantly than I had ever done before。 Your
sister’s lovely person and interesting manners could not but please
me； and her behaviour to me almost from the first； was of a kind—
It is astonishing； when I reflect on what it was； and what she was；
that my heart should have been so insensible！ But at first I must
confess； my vanity only was elevated by it。 Careless of her
happiness； thinking only of my own amusement； giving way to
feelings which I had always been too much in the habit of
indulging； I endeavoured； by every means in my power； to make
myself pleasing to her； without any design of returning her
affection。”
Miss Dashwood； at this point； turning her eyes on him with the
most angry contempt； stopped him； by saying；
“It is hardly worth while； Mr。 Willoughby； for you to relate； or
for me to listen any longer。 Such a beginning as this cannot be
followed by any thing。—Do not let me be pained by hearing any
thing more on the subject。”
“I insist on you hearing the whole of it；” he replied。 “My fortune
was never large； and I had always been expensive； always in the
habit of associating with people of better income than myself。
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Every year since my coming of age； or even before； I believe； had
added to my debts； and though the death of my old cousin； Mrs。
Smith； was to set me free； yet that event being uncertain； and
possibly far distant； it had been for some time my intention to re…
establish my circumstances by marrying a woman of fortune。 To
attach myself to your sister； therefore； was not a thing to be
thought of；—and with a meanness； selfishness； cruelty—which no
indignant； no contemptuous look； even of yours； Miss Dashwood；
can ever reprobate too much—I was acting in this manner； trying
to engage her regard； without a thought of returning it。—But one
thing may be said for me； even in that horrid state of selfish vanity；
I did not know the extent of the injury I meditated； because I did
not then know what it was to love。 But have I ever known it？—Well
may it be doubted； for； had I really loved； could I have sacrificed
my feelings to vanity； to avarice？—or； what is more； could I have
sacrificed hers？—But I have done it。 To avoid a comparative
poverty； which her affection and her society would have deprived
of all its horrors； I have； by raising myself to affluence； lost every
thing that could make it a blessing。”
“You did then；” said Elinor； a little softened； “believe yourself
at one time attached to her？”
“To have resisted such attractions； to have withstood such
tenderness！—Is there a man on earth who could have done it？—
Yes； I found myself； by insensible degrees； sincerely fond of her；
and the happiest hours of my life were what I spent with her when
I felt my intentions were strictly honourable； and my feelings
blameless。 Even then； however； when fully determined on paying
my addresses to her； I allowed myself most improperly to put off；
from day to day； the moment of doing it； from an unwillingness to
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enter into an engagement while my circumstances were so greatly
embarrassed。 I will not reason here—nor will I stop for you to
expatiate on the absurdity； and the worse than absurdity； of
scrupling to engage my faith where my honour was already bound。
The event has proved； that I was a cunning fool； providing with
great circumspection for a possible opportunity of making myself
contemptible and wretched for ever。 At last； however； my
resolution was taken； and I had determined； as soon as I could
engage her alone； to justify the attentions I had so invariably paid
her； and openly assure her of an affection which I had already
taken such pains to display。 But in the interim—in the interim of
the very few hours that were to pass； before I could have an
opportunity of speaking with her in private—a circumstance
occurred—an unlucky circumstance； to ruin all my resolution； and
with it all my comfort。 A discovery took place；”—here he hesitated
and looked down。—“Mrs。 Smith had somehow or other been
informed； I imagine by some distant relation； whose interest it was
to deprive me of her favour； of an affair； a connection—but I need
not explain myself farther；” he added； looking at her with an
heightened colour and an inquiring eye—“your particular
intimacy—you have probably heard the whole story long ago。”
“I have；” returned Elinor； colouring likewise； and hardening
her heart anew against any compassion for him； “I have heard it
all。 And how you will explain away any part of your guilt in that
dreadful business； I confess is beyond my comprehension。”
“Remember；” cried Willoughby； “from whom you received the
account。 Could it be an impartial one？ I acknowledge that her
situation and her character ought to have been respected by me。 I
do not mean to justify myself； but at the same time cannot leave
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