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clever fam'ly I come of; and looking at the gay shop…winders。
I've got some new close since you last saw me。  I saw them others
wouldn't do。  They carrid the observer too far back into the dim
vister of the past; and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum。  The close
I wear now I bo't of Mr。 Moses; in the Commercial Road。  They was
expressly made; Mr。 Moses inforemd me; for a nobleman; but as
they fitted him too muchly; partic'ly the trows'rs (which is
blue; with large red and white checks) he had said:

〃My dear feller; make me some more; only mindbe sure you sell
these to some genteel old feller。〃

I like to saunter thro' Regent Street。  The shops are pretty; and
it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine healthy
girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the
afternoon; who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and
sugar things; as too many of the American and French lasses do。
It's a mistake about everybody being out of town; I guess。
Regent Street is full。  I'm here; and as I said before; I come of
a very clever fam'ly。

As I was walkin along; amoosin myself by stickin my penknife into
the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell…coaches
(not one of whom howled with angwish); I was accosted by a man of
about thirty…five summers; who said; 〃I have seen that face
somewheres afore!〃

He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil。  His coat was one
of those black; shiny garments; which you can always tell have
been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentlemanly。

〃Was it in the Crimea; comrade?  Yes; it was。  It was at the
stormin of Sebastopol; where I had a narrow escape from death;
that we met。〃

I said; 〃No; I wasn't at Sebastopol; I escaped a fatal wound by
not bein there。  It was a healthy old fortress;〃 I added。

〃It was。  But it fell。  It came down with a crash。〃

〃And plucky boys they was who brought her down;〃 I added; 〃and
hurrah for 'em!〃

The man graspt me warmly by the hand; and said he had been in
America; Upper Canada; Africa; Asia Minor; and other towns; and
he'd never met a man he liked as much as he did me。

〃Let us;〃 he added; 〃let us to the shrine of Bachus!〃

And he dragged me into a public house。  I was determined to pay;
so I said; 〃Mr。 Bachus; giv this gen'l'man what he calls for。〃

We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner…time
arrove; when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should dine
with him。  〃We'll have a banquet; Sir; fit for the gods!〃

I told him good plain vittles would soot me。  If the gods wanted
to have the dispepsy; they was welcome to it。

We had soop and fish; and a hot jint; and growsis; and wines of
rare and costly vintige。  We had ices; and we had froots from
Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands; and when the
sumptoous reparst was over; the agree'ble man said he'd
unfortnitly left his pocket…book at home on the marble centre…
table。

〃But; by Jove!〃 he said; 〃it was a feast fit for the gods!〃

I said; 〃Oh; never mind;〃 and drew out my puss; tho' I in'ardly
wished the gods; as the dinner was fit for 'em; was there to pay
for it。

I come of a very clever fam'ly。

The agree'ble gentleman then said; 〃Now; I will show you our
Club。  It dates back to the time of William the Conquerer。〃

〃Did Bill belong to it?〃 I inquired。

〃He did。〃

〃Wall;〃 I said; 〃if Billy was one of 'em; I need no other
endorsement as to its respectfulness; and I'll go with you; my
gay trooper boy!〃  And we went off arm…in…arm。

On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the
Sloshers。  He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in
evenin dress。  He said it was agin the rools of the club。  In
fack; if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be
instantly expeld。  〃And yit;〃 he added; 〃there's geneyus there;
and lorfty emotions; and intelleck。  You'll be surprised at the
quantities of intelleck you'll see there。〃

We reached the Sloshers in due time; and I must say they was a
shaky…looking lot; and the public house where they convened was
certingly none of the best。

The Sloshers crowded round me; and said I was welcome。

〃What a beautiful brest…pin you've got;〃 said one of 'em。
〃Permit me;〃 and he took it out of my neckercher。  〃Isn't it
luvly;〃 he said; parsin it to another; who parsed it to another。

It was given me by my Aunt; on my promisin her I'd never swear
profanely; and I never have; except on very special occasions。  I
see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to
another; and I'm reminded of them sad words of the poit; 〃parsin
away! parsin away!〃  I never saw it no more。

Then in comes a athletic female; who no sooner sees me than she
utters a wild yell; and cries:

〃At larst! at larst!  My Wilyim; from the seas!〃

I said; 〃not at all; Marm。  Not on no account。  I have heard the
boatswain pipe to quartersbut a voice in my heart didn't
whisper Seu…zan!  I've belayed the marlin…spikes on the upper
jibpoop; but Seu…zan's eye wasn't on me; much。  Young woman; I
am not you're Saler boy。  Far different。〃

〃Oh yes; you are!〃 she howled; seizin me round the neck。  〃Oh;
how I've lookt forwards to this meetin!〃

〃And you'll presently;〃 I said; 〃have a opportunity of lookin
backwards to it; because I'm on the point of leavin this
institution。〃

I will here observe that I come of a very clever family。  A very
clever fam'ly; indeed。

〃Where;〃 I cried; as I struggled in vain to release myself from
the eccentric female's claws; 〃where is the Captingthe man who
was into the Crimea; amidst the cannon's thunder?  I want him。〃

He came forward; and cried; 〃What do I see?  Me Sister! me sweet
Adulaide! and in teers!  Willin!〃 he screamed; 〃and you're the
serpent I took to my boosum; and borrowed money of; and went
round with; and was cheerful with; are you?You ought to be
ashamed of yourself。〃

Somehow my coat was jerked off; the brest…pocket of which
contained my pocket…book; and it parsed away like the brest pin。
Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street。

It was about 12 at night when I reached the Green Lion。

〃Ha! ha! you sly old rascal; you've been up to larks!〃 said the
lan'lord; larfin loudly; and digging his fist into my ribs。

I said; 〃Bigsby; if you do that agin; I shall hit you!  Much as I
respect you and your excellent faml'y; I shall disfiger your
beneverlent countenance for life!〃

〃What has ruffled your spirits; friend?〃 said the lan'lord。

〃My spirits has been ruffled;〃 I ansered in a bittur voice; 〃by a
viper who was into the Crimea。  What good was it;〃 I cried; 〃for
Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its ruins that
viper?〃

I then went to bed。  I come of a very clever fam'ly。

                                                  Artemus Ward。

5。6。  THE TOWER OF LONDON。

MR。 PUNCH; My dear Sir;I skurcely need inform you that your
excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral
districks; and it was chiefly them class which I found waitin at
the gates the other mornin。

I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis。  In
the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more
firmer than this one。

〃You have no Tower in America?〃 said a man in the crowd; who had
somehow detected my denomination。

〃Alars! no;〃 I ansered; 〃we boste of our enterprise and
improvements; and yit we are devoid of a Tower。  America; oh my
onhappy country! thou hast not got no Tower!  It's a sweet Boon。〃

The gates was opened after awhile; and we all purchist tickets
and went into a waitin…room。

〃My frens;〃 said a pale…faced little man; in black close; 〃this
is a sad day。〃

〃Inasmuch as to how?〃 I said。

〃I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed
within these gloomy walls。  My frens; let us drop a tear!〃

〃No;〃 I said; 〃you must excuse me。  Others may drop one if they
feel like it; but as for me; I decline。  The early managers of
this institootion were a bad lot; and their crimes were trooly
orful; but I can't sob for those who died four or five hundred
years ago。  If they was my own relations I couldn't。  It's absurd
to shed sobs over things which occurd during the rain of Henry
the Three。  Let us be cheerful;〃 I continnerd 〃Look at the festiv
Warders; in their red flannil jackets。  They are cheerful; and
why should it not be thusly with us?〃

A Warder now took us in charge; and showed us the Trater's Gate;
the armers; and things。  The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit
about twenty trater's abrest; I should jedge; but beyond this; I
couldn't see that it was superior to gates in gen'ral。

Traters; I will here remark; are a onfortnit class of peple。  If
they wasn't; they wouldn't be traters。  They conspire to bust up
a countrythey fail; and they're traters。  They bust her; and
they become statesmen and heroes。

Take the case of Gloster; afterwards Old Dick the Three; who may
be seen at the Tower; on horseback; in a heavy tin overcoattake
Mr。 Gloster's case。 Mr。 G。 was a conspirater of the basist dye;
and if he'd failed; he would have been hung on a sour apple tree。
But Mr。 G。 succeeded; and became great。  He was slewd by Col。
Richmond; but 

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