da.therestaurantattheendoftheuniverse-第2节
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At that precise moment Zaphod Beeblebrox was in his cabin swearing very loudly。 Two hours ago； he had said that they would go for a quick bite at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe； whereupon he had had a blazing row with the ship's puter and stormed off to his cabin shouting that he would work out the Improbability factors with a pencil。
The Heart of Gold's Improbability Drive made it the most powerful and unpredictable ship in existence。 There was nothing it couldn't do； provided you knew exactly how improbable it was that the thing you wanted it to do would ever happen。
He had stolen it when； as President； he was meant to be launching it。 He didn't know exactly why he had stolen it； except that he liked it。
He didn't know why he had bee President of the Galaxy； except that it seemed a fun thing to be。
He did know that there were better reasons than these； but that they were buried in a dark； locked off section of his two brains。 He wished the dark； locked off section of his two brains would go away because they occasionally surfaced momentarily and put strange thoughts into the light； fun sections of his mind and tried to deflect him from what he saw as being the basic business of his life； which was to have a wonderfully good time。
At the moment he was not having a wonderfully good time。 He had run out of patience and pencils and was feeling very hungry。
〃Starpox！〃 he shouted。
At that same precise moment； Ford Prefect was in mid air。 This was not because of anything wrong with the ship's artificial gravity field； but because he was leaping down the stair…well which led to the ship's personal cabins。 It was a very high jump to do in one bound and he landed awkwardly； stumbled； recovered； raced down the corridor sending a couple of miniature service robots flying； skidded round the corner； burst into Zaphod's door and explained what was on his mind。
〃Vogons；〃 he said。
A short while before this； Arthur Dent had set out from his cabin in search of a cup of tea。 It was not a quest he embarked upon with a great deal of optimism。； because he knew that the only source of hot drinks on the entire ship was a benighted piece of equipment produced by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation。 It was called a Nutri…Matic Drinks Synthesizer； and he had encountered it before。
It claimed to produce the widest possible range of drinks personally matched to the tastes and metabolism of whoever cared to use it。 When put to the test； however； it invariably produced a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost； but not quite； entirely unlike tea。
He attempted to reason with the thing。
〃Tea；〃 he said。
〃Share and Enjoy；〃 the machine replied and provided him with yet another cup of the sickly liquid。
He threw it away。
〃Share and enjoy；〃 the machine repeated and provided him with another one。
〃Share and Enjoy〃 is the pany motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation plaints division； which now covers the major land masses of three medium sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation to have shown a consistent profit in recent years。
The motto stands … or rather stood … in three mile high illuminated letters near the plaints Department spaceport on Eadrax。 Unfortunately its weight was such that shortly after it was erected； the ground beneath the letters caved in and they dropped for nearly half their length through the offices of many talented young plaints executives … now deceased。
The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear； in the local language； to read 〃Go stick your head in a pig〃； and are no longer illuminated； except at times of special celebration。
Arthur threw away a sixth cup of the liquid。
〃Listen； you machine；〃 he said； 〃you claim you can synthesize any drink in existence； so why do you keep giving me the same undrinkable stuff？〃
〃Nutrition and pleasurable sense data；〃 burbled the machine。 〃Share and Enjoy。〃
〃It tastes filthy！〃
〃If you have enjoyed the experience of this drink；〃 continued the machine； 〃why not share it with your friends？〃
〃Because；〃 said Arthur tartly； 〃I want to keep them。 Will you try to prehend what I'm telling you？ That drink。。。〃
〃That drink；〃 said the machine sweetly； 〃was individually tailored to meet your personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure。〃
〃Ah；〃 said Arthur； 〃so I'm a masochist on diet am I？〃
〃Share and Enjoy。〃
〃Oh shut up。〃
〃Will that be all？〃
Arthur decided to give up。
〃Yes；〃 he said。
Then he decided he'd be dammed if he'd give up。
〃No；〃 he said； 〃look； it's very； very simple。。。 all I want。。。 is a cup of tea。 You are going to make one for me。 Keep quiet and listen。〃
And he sat。 He told the Nutri…Matic about India； he told it about China； he told it about Ceylon。 He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun。 He told it about silver teapots。 He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn。 He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn't get scalded。 He even told it （briefly） about the history of the East India pany。
〃So that's it； is it？〃 said the Nutri…Matic when he had finished。
〃Yes；〃 said Arthur； 〃that is what I want。〃
〃You want the taste of dried leaves boiled in water？〃
〃Er； yes。 With milk。〃
〃Squirted out of a cow？〃
〃Well； in a manner of speaking I suppose。。。〃
〃I'm going to need some help with this one；〃 said the machine tersely。 All the cheerful burbling had dropped out of its voice and it now meant business。
〃Well； anything I can do；〃 said Arthur。
〃You've done quite enough；〃 the Nutri…Matic informed him。
It summoned up the ship's puter。
〃Hi there！〃 said the ship's puter。
The Nutri…Matic explained about tea to the ship's puter。 The puter boggled； linked logic circuits with the Nutri…Matic and together they lapsed into a grim silence。
Arthur watched and waited for a while； but nothing further happened。
He thumped it； but still nothing happened。
Eventually he gave up and wandered up to the bridge。
In the empty wastes of space； the Heart of Gold hung still。 Around it blazed the billion pinpricks of the Galaxy。 Towards it crept the ugly yellow lump of the Vogon ship。
Chapter 3
〃Does anyone have a kettle？〃 Arthur asked as he walked on to the bridge； and instantly began to wonder why Trillian was yelling at the puter to talk to her； Ford was thumping it and Zaphod was kicking it； and also why there was a nasty yellow lump on the vision screen。
He put down the empty cup he was carrying and walked over to them。
〃Hello？〃 he said。
At that moment Zaphod flung himself over to the polished marble surfaces that contained the instruments that controlled the conventional photon drive。 They materialized beneath his hands and he flipped over to manual control。 He pushed； he pulled； he pressed and he swore。 The photon drive gave a sickly judder and cut out again。
〃Something up？〃 said Arthur。
〃Hey； didja hear that？〃 muttered Zaphod as he leapt now for the manual controls of the Infinite Improbability Drive； 〃the monkey spoke！〃
The Improbability Drive gave two small whines and then also cut out。
〃Pure history； man；〃 said Zaphod； kicking the Improbability Drive； 〃a talking monkey！〃
〃If you're upset about something。。。〃 said Arthur。
〃Vogons！〃 snapped Ford； 〃we're under attack！〃
Arthur gibbered。
〃Well what are you doing？ Let's get out of here！〃
〃Can't。 puter's jammed。〃
〃Jammed？〃
〃It says all its circuits are occupied。 There's no power anywhere in the ship。〃
Ford moved away from the puter terminal； wiped a sleeve across his forehead and slumped back against the wall。
〃Nothing we can do；〃 he said。 He glared at nothing and bit his lip。
When Arthur had been a boy at school； long before the Earth had been demolished； he had used to play football。 He had not been at all good at it； and his particular specialty had been scoring own goals in important matches。 Whenever this happened he used to experience a peculiar tingling round the back of his neck that would slowly creep up across his cheeks and heat his brow。 The image of mud and grass and lots of little jeering boys flinging it at him suddenly came vividly to his mind at this moment。
A peculiar tingling sensation at the back of his neck was creeping up across his cheeks and heating his brow。
He started to speak； and stopped。
He started to speak again and stopped again。
Finally he managed to speak。
〃Er；〃 he said。 He cleared his throat。
〃Tell me；〃 he continued； and said it so nervously that the others all turned to stare at him。 He glanced at the approaching yellow blob on the vision screen。
〃Tell me；〃 he said again； 〃did the puter say what was occupying it？ I just ask out of interest。。。〃
Their eyes were riveted on him。
〃And； er。。。 well that's it really； just asking。〃
Zaphod put out a hand and held Arthur by the scruff of the neck。
〃What have you done to it； Monkeyman？〃 he breathed。
〃Well；〃 said Arthur； 〃nothing in fact。 It's just that I think a short while ago it was trying to work out how to。。。〃
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