iancaldwell&dustinthomason.theruleoffour-第45节
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watch her there； beneath Blair Arch； warming herself in Donald Morgan's arms； would strip the pearls and diamonds from my future。
And then it happened： just as I'd reached the full bloom of self…pity； a knock came at the door。 It was followed by a turning of the knob； and the same way it had happened a hundred times before； Katie let herself in。 Beneath her coat I could see she was wearing my favorite of her sweaters； the emerald…colored one that matched her eyes。
〃You're supposed to be at the arch sing〃 was the first thing I managed to say； and of all the monkey…written binations； it was probably the worst。
〃So are you；〃 she said； staring me up and down。
I knew how I must look to her。 The wolf Charlie had shown me in the mirror was the one Katie saw now。
〃Why are you here？〃 I said； glancing at the door。
〃They're not ing。〃 She forced herself back into my focus。 〃I'm here so you can apologize。〃
For a second I thought Gil had put her up to this； inventing something about how bad I felt； how I just didn't know what to say。 But another glance told me otherwise。 She knew I had no intention of saying I was sorry。
〃Well？〃
〃You think this is my fault？〃 I asked。
〃Everyone does。〃
〃What everyone？〃
〃Do it； Tom。 Apologize。〃
Arguing with her was only making me angrier with myself。
〃Fine。 I love you。 I wish things had worked out。 I'm sorry they didn't。〃
〃If you wish things had worked out； why didn't you do anything？〃
〃Look at me；〃 I told her。 The four…day beard； the unkempt hair。 〃This is what I did。〃
〃You did that for the book。〃
〃It's the same thing。〃
〃I'm the same as the book？〃
〃Yes。〃
She glared at me as if I'd dug myself a hole。 But she knew what I was about to say； she'd just never accepted it。
〃My father spent his life on the Hypnerotomachia；〃 I told her。 〃I've never felt more excited than when I'm working on it。 I lose sleep over it； I don't eat because of it； I have dreams about it。〃 I found myself looking around； searching for words。 〃I don't know how else to say it。 It's like going to the battlefield to see your tree。 Being near it makes me feel like everything's right； like I'm not lost anymore。〃 I kept my eyes away from her。 〃So are you the same as the book to me？ Yes。 Of course you are。 You're the only thing that's the same as the book to me。〃
I made a mistake。 I thought I could have you both。 I was wrong。
〃Why am I here； Tom？〃
〃To rub it in。〃
〃Why？〃
〃To make me apologi…〃
〃Tom。〃 She stopped me with a look。 〃Why am I here？〃
Because you feel the same way I do。
Yes。
Because this was too important to leave it up to me。
Yes。
〃What do you want？〃 I said。
〃I want you to stop working on the book。〃
〃That's all？〃
〃That's all？ That's all？〃
Now； suddenly； emotion。
〃I'm supposed to feel sorry for you because you gave up on us to act like a slob and live in that book？ You ass； I spent four days with my shades down and my door locked。 Karen called my parents。 My mom flew down from New Hampshire。〃
〃I'm sor…〃
〃Shut up。 It isn't your turn to talk。 I went out to the battlefield to see my tree； and I couldn't。 I couldn't； because now it's our tree。 I can't listen to music； because every song is something we sang in the car； or in my room； or in here。 It takes me an hour to get ready for class； because I feel like I'm dazed half the time。 I can't find my socks； I can't find my favorite black bra。 Donald's always asking me； 'Honey； what's wrong； Honey； what's wrong？' Nothing's wrong； Donald。〃 She pushed her wrists into her cuffs and blotted her eyes。
〃That's not wh…〃 I began again。
But it still wasn't my turn。
〃At least with Peter I could understand。 We weren't perfect together。 He loved lacrosse more than he loved me； I knew that。 He wanted to get me in bed； and after that he lost interest。〃 She moved a hand through her hair； trying to push away the bangs that had gotten snarled in tears。 〃But you。 I fought for you。 I waited a month before I let you kiss me the first time。 I cried the night after we slept together； because I thought I was going to lose you。〃 She stopped； galled by the thought。 〃And now I'm losing you to a book。 A book。 At least tell me it's not what I think； Tom。 Tell me you've been seeing a senior on the side all this time。 Tell me it's because she doesn't do all the stupid things I do； she doesn't dance naked in front of you like some kind of idiot because she thinks you enjoy her singing； or wake you up at 6 A。M。 to go running because she wants to make sure； every single morning； that you're still there。 Tell me something。〃
She looked up at me； broken in a way that I know ashamed her； and I could only think of one thing。 There was a night； not long after the accident； when I accused my mother of not caring for my father。 If you loved him； I said to her； you would've supported his work。 The look that crossed her face； which I can't begin to describe； told me there was nothing more shameful in the world than what I had just said。
〃I love you；〃 I told Katie； stepping toward her so that she could press her face into my shirt and be invisible for a moment。 〃I'm so sorry。〃
And that was the moment； I think； when the tide began to change。 My terminal condition； the love affair I thought was in my genes； slowly started to lose its grip on me。 The triangle was collapsing。 In its place stood a pair of points； a binary star； separated by the smallest possible distance。
A jumble of silences followed； all the things she needed to say but knew she shouldn't have to； all the things I wanted to say but didn't know how to。
〃I'll tell Paul；〃 I said； the best and most truthful thing I could； 〃I'm going to stop working on the book。〃
Redemption。 The realization that I wasn't putting up a fight； that I'd finally figured out what was best for my own happiness； was enough to make Katie do something I think she was saving for much later； after I was back on the wagon for sure。 She kissed me。 And that moment of contact； like the lightning that gave the monster his second shot at life； created a new beginning。
I didn't see Paul that night； I spent it with Katie and ended up telling him my decision the next day at Dod。 He； too； seemed unsurprised。 I'd been suffering so much with Colonna that he sensed I might throw in the towel at the first sign of relief。 He'd been persuaded by Gil and Charlie that it was the best thing anyway； and somehow he didn't hold it against me。 Maybe he guessed I'd be back。 Maybe he'd e far enough to think he could finish the riddles alone。 Whatever it was； when I finally told him my reasoning…the lesson of Jenny Harlow and Carracci's engraving…he seemed to agree。 I could tell from his expression that he knew more about Carracci than I did； but he never once corrected me。 Paul； who had more reasons than anyone to believe that some interpretations are better than others； and that the right ones make all the difference； was generous about my spin on things； the same way he'd always been。 It was more than his way of showing respect； I think； it was his way of showing friendship。
〃It's better to love something that can love you back；〃 he told me。
It was the only thing he needed to say。
What began as Paul's thesis； then； became Paul's thesis once more。 At first； it looked as if he might pull it off alone。 The fourth riddle； which had taken a whip to me； came to him in three days。 I suspect he'd had the idea all along； but kept it from me because he knew I wouldn't take his advice。 The answer was in a book called the Hieroglyphica； by a man named Horapollo； which turned up in Renaissance Italy in the 1420s； purporting to solve the ages…old problem of interpreting Egyptian hieroglyphics。 Horapollo； taken by humanists to be some kind of ancient Egyptian sage； was in fact a fifth…century scholar who wrote in Greek and probably didn't know much more about hieroglyphics than Eskimos know about summer。 Some of the symbols in his Hieroglyphica involve animals that aren't even Egyptian。 Still； amidst the humanist fervor over new knowledge； the text became wildly popular； at least in the small circles where wild popularity and dead languages weren't mutually exclusive。
The night…owl； according to Horapollo； is a symbol of death； for the night…owl suddenly descends upon the young of the crow in the night； as death es upon a man suddenly。 An eagle with a twisted beak； Horapollo wrote； signifies an old man dying of hunger； for when the eagle grows old； he twists his beak and dies of hunger。 The blind beetle； finally； is a glyph that means a man has died from sunstroke； for a beetle dies when blinded by the sun。 Cryptic as Horapollo's reasoning was； Paul knew immediately that he'd fixed on the right source。 And he saw very quickly what the three animals had in mon： death。 Applying the Latin word for it； mors； as his cipher； he produced Colonna's fourth message。
You who have e so far are joined by the philosophers of my day； who in your time are perhaps the dust of ages； but who in mine were the giants of mankind。 I am soon to put upon you the burden of what remains； for there is much to tell and I grow fearful that my secret is too easily spread。 But first； out of deference to your acplishment；
