jefflong.yearzero-第63节

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walls　of　Jerusalem。　But　you　know　that。〃　He　stopped。
　〃Not　like　you　are　telling；〃　said　Nathan　Lee。
　Ben　grunted。　He　flicked　at　the　fire。　〃At　night　you　could　hear　the　sounds　of　babies　crying　and　people　talking　and　laughing。　The　smell　of　food　drifted　over　the　walls　on　the　breeze。　You　couldn't　see　the　cook　fires　and　lamps；　but　they　cast　a　light　as　gold　as　butter。
　〃The　crucified　men　would　think　they　were　dreaming。　But；　of　course；　they　were　not。　To　sleep　was　to　die。〃
　He　meant　it　literally。　The　process　of　dying　on　a　cross　had　bee　lost　in　the　mists　of　time。　In　the　centuries　after　crucifixion　fell　from　use；　artists　had　begun　depicting　Christ　in　heroic　poses　with　a　nail　through　each　palm。　Even　after　Leonardo　da　Vinci　experimented　with　cadavers　and　learned　that　the　weight　of　a　human　body　would　have　torn　the　palms　free；　the　nail　through　the　hand　had　remained　a　popular　fiction。　In　the　same　way；　misled　by　artists　and　storytelling　priests；　people　had　e　to　believe　death　came　from　the　bleeding　and　torture；　even　from　a　broken　heart。　Not　until　a　twentieth…century　physician　conducted　a　medical　reconstruction　was　it　realized　that　death　resulted　from　asphyxiation。　Once　your　legs　gave　out　and　you　hung　from　your　arms；　the　diaphragm　was　quickly　overtaxed　and　you　suffocated。
　〃When　the　moon　came　up；〃　Ben　continued；　〃their　shadows　were　like　a　forest。　I　remember　lightning　playing　along　the　faraway　sea。　I　remember　a　man's　dog　that　came　and　lay　at　his　feet　and　starved　there；　guarding　his　body。　Sometimes　they　would　sing　to　each　other　on　their　crosses。　Village　songs。　Prayers。　It　could　be　very　beautiful。〃
　He　stopped　again。　He　squinted　as　if　peering　into　a　deep　hole。
　〃Why？〃　asked　Nathan　Lee。
　Ben　noticed　him　with　a　start。
　〃Why　did　you　live　with　the　dead？〃
　Nathan　Lee　already　had　a　hunch。　He'd　visited　the　burningghats　along　rivers　in　India　and　Nepal。　Since　long　before　Siddhartha；　ascetics　had　gathered　like　vultures　around　the　sick　and　dying　and　dead　to　meditate　upon　impermanence　and　suffering。　Two　thousand　years　ago；　it　wasn't　only　spices　and　silk　that　flowed　along　the　trade　routes；　but　philosophies；　too。
　〃Not　the　dead；〃　Ben　corrected　him；　〃the　dying。　Each　morning　the　sun　rose　up　from　the　desert；　over　the　crest　of　the　Mount　of　Olives。〃　His　hand　moved　in　the　air；　describing　the　arc。　〃Then　I　would　start　my　circle。　I　went　from　cross　to　cross　and　to　the　trees　where　they　were　tied　and　nailed。　I　talked　to　the　dying　men。　They　would　live　for　days　on　their　piece　of　wood。　If　a　man　was　strong；　he　might　last　a　week　up　there。　I　sat　by　their　feet　and　we　would　talk　like　you　and　I　are　talking　now。
　〃Oh；　they　told　me　everything。　About　their　families　and　crops；　their　animals；　their　failures　and　triumphs；　the　weather；　their　first　time　with　a　woman；　how　manyshekels　ordenarii　their　neighbors　still　owed　them　or　they　owed　their　neighbors。　What　a　blessing　it　was　when　a　cloud　crossed　the　sun。　They　talked　about　weakness　and　temptation　and　evil。　And　they　talked　about　their　hopes。〃
　〃Hopes？〃　said　Nathan　Lee。
　〃Yes。　Even　with　the　wood　against　their　spines；　even　drying　out　in　the　white　sun；　they　held　onto　their　hopes。　They　talked　about　the　future。　Their　plans。　How　they　would　improve　their　field　or　build　a　new　room　onto　their　house。　How　their　sons　would　prosper。　How　their　daughters　would　be　beautiful。　All　day　long　I　visited　them。　When　they　were　near　the　end；　I　would　stand　on　a　rock　and　watch　their　eyes。〃　He　held　one　finger　up；　inches　from　his　face。　He　stared　at　it。
　〃Slept　in　graves；〃　Izzy　muttered　in　English。　〃Hung　around　with　dying　prisoners。　Hitchhiked　on　their　death　experience。〃
　〃Let　him　speak；〃　said　Nathan　Lee。
　〃Have　you　ever　followed　a　man　on　his　cross？〃　Ben　asked。
　〃How　do　you　mean？〃　evaded　Nathan　Lee。
　A　log　burned　through　just　then；　collapsing　the　others　in　a　spray　of　sparks。　Its　heat　foundered。　The　cold　and　dusk　surged　against　their　backs。　The　men　added　more　wood。　Nathan　Lee　crouched　and　pursed　his　lips　and　blew。　The　flames　leapt　high　and　warm　again。　Ben　squatted　in　his　place　again。　Nathan　Lee　went　back　to　his　perch　along　the　edge。　It　took　a　few　more　minutes　to　resume。
　〃It's　like　watching　a　man　build　a　fire；〃　Ben　mented。　He　had　the　storyteller's　gift　of　borrowing　from　what　was　at　hand；　in　this　case　their　fire。　〃His　journey　on　the　cross。　At　first　there　is　smoke　and　your　eyes　sting。　Then　the　heat　and　light　appear。　At　last　the　smoke　clears　away。〃
　〃I　don't　understand；〃　said　Nathan　Lee。
　〃At　first　you　resist；〃　Ben　said。　〃You　struggle。　It　goes　on　that　way　for　a　very　long　time。　But　near　the　end；　there　are　openings　in　the　pain。　There　is　clarity。　After　all　that　violence；　there　is　peace。　God　creeps　in。〃
　〃Is　that　what　you　saw　in　their　eyes？〃
　〃Yes；　like　in　the　eyes　of　a　newborn　infant。　God。〃
　High　in　the　tree；　they　heard　a　rustling　sound。　It　was　a　bird；　trapped　in　one　of　Joab's　nets。　God　would　be　getting　a　snack　in　the　morning。
　〃These　dying　men；〃　said　Nathan　Lee；　〃what　did　they　think　of　you？〃
　〃Some　cursed　me。　Others　begged　me　to　stay。　It　is　very　lonely　on　the　cross。　They　called　me　many　things。　In　their　minds　I　was　their　friend　and　their　enemy。　I　was　God's　servant　and　I　was　the　devil。　They　called　me　brother　and　son　and　father　andrru…bee。〃
　〃Is　that　how　you　saw　yourself？　A　rabbi？〃
　〃No。　I　was　the　student。　They　were　my　masters。〃
　〃Were　you　there　to　save　them？〃　he　pressed。
　〃Some　asked　the　same　thing。〃
　〃Then　why　did　you　torment　them？〃
　〃Why　do　you　torment　us？〃　But　Ben's　tone　was　not　hostile。　Only　clever。
　He　knows　what　we　are；thought　Nathan　Lee。He's　been　out　among　us。　〃To　learn；〃　he　said。
　Ben　smiled；　a　gruesome　contortion。　〃You　see；　we　are　the　same。　We　search　for　the　mon　thread；　the　thing　that　connects　kings　and　thieves　and　infants　and　dying　men。〃
　Ben　swam　his　stick　back　and　forth　through　the　flames　as　if　tracing　distant　words。
　〃Didn't　the　soldiers　drive　you　away？〃　asked　Nathan　Lee。
　〃Sometimes。　Mostly　they　were　glad　to　have　me　there。　It　could　be　lonely　for　them；　too。　They　were　far　from　home。　Also；　for　some；　they　had　no　one　else　to　see　their　cruelty　at　work。　Or　their　kindness。　Oh　yes；　the　soldiers　could　be　passionate。　For　a　price；　they　would　mix　gall　with　the　water　and　give　the　poison　on　a　sponge　on　a　stick。　Some　did　it　for　free。　Or　they　broke　the　men's　legs　before　the　suffering　went　on　too　long。　Or　cut　their　knees　with　a　knife。〃　He　made　a　slicing　gesture　with　his　stick　across　the　front　tendon　on　Nathan　Lee's　knee。
　〃After　that；　they　could　not　stand。　The　end　might　take　another　hour。　But　they　would　be　spared　the　days　and　nights。〃
　〃Did　you　bring　those　kinds　of　mercy　to　dying　men？〃　Nathan　Lee　asked。　〃Gall。　And　the　knife。〃　Was　that　that　what　this　was；　a　confession？　Had　he　been　a　killer　angel？
　In　the　firelight；　the　scars　seemed　to　crawl　across　Ben's　face。　〃No。　I　was　afraid。　The　soldiers　would　have　put　me　on　the　cross　in　their　place。　Those　bodies　were　the　property　of　the　emperor。〃
　〃Did　you　help　bury　them；　then？〃
　〃Not　that；　either。　They　were　left　hanging。　Or　were　pulled　down　and　thrown　into　the　quarries。　Food　for　the　birds　and　flies　and　animals。　Even　their　names　were　eaten。〃
　〃But　some　of　the　bodies　were　buried。〃
　〃Few。　I　remember　one。　His　family　bribed　the　soldiers。　The　body　was　taken　down　that　night。　They　had　to　work　quickly。　A　slave's　body　was　dug　up　and　tied　in　his　place；　otherwise　the　soldiers　would　have　been　crucified　themselves。　I　was　new　to　Golgotha；　then。　It　shocked　me。　It　seemed　unjust。　Even　dead；　the　poor　have　no　place　in　this　world。〃
　Izzy　spoke。　〃Did　you　know　a　man　they　called　them…shee…haa？〃　Nathan　Lee　was　surprised　by　the　abrupt　question；　by　his　solemnity。　Then　he　realized　Izzy　was　setting　the　man　up。
　〃Yes。〃　Ben　answered。
　〃You　saw　him？〃
　〃There　were　many　messiahs。〃
　Izzy　laughed　with　relief。　Ben　did　not　look　offended。　To　the　contrary；　he　seemed　amused　by　Izzy's　amusement。
　〃At　the　end　of　your　year　at　Golgotha；　what　happened　to　you？〃　asked　Nathan　Lee。
　〃I　left。〃
　〃But　you　returned。〃
　〃Not　for　ten　years　more。〃
　〃Why？　Why　ever　go　back　to　that　place　again？〃
　〃Yes；　why？〃　said　Ben。　He　ran　his　fingers　through　the　flames。
　Nathan　Lee　glanced　at　Izzy；　and　he　looked　suspicious；　even　cynical。　He　didn't　believe　in　messiah　claptrap。　Ben　didn't　speak　for　a　full　minute。　Nathan　Lee　didn't　prod　him。　He　was　willing　to　let　the　story　go　at　that。　He　didn't　believe　either。
　Then　Ben　resumed。　〃I　went　off　through　the　land。　I　thought　I　would　never　have　to　go　back　to　Jerusalem　again。　But　the　land　shrank。　My　path　circled。　I　don't　know　how　it　happened。　My　eyes　were　wide　open。　I　had　mand　of　my　feet。　But　one　day　I　found　myself　there　again。　And　this　time　they　gave　me　my　own　tree。〃
　He　finished　matter　of　factly；　and　stood　up。　He　moved　around　the　fire　to　go　inside。
　〃Was　it　the　way　you　thought　it　would　be？〃　Nathan　Lee　asked　him。　Clarity。　Peace。　God。
　〃No。　None　of　it；〃　Ben　said。　〃I　looked　out　from　up　there；　and　the　world　is　so　beautiful。〃　He　looked　at　Nathan　Lee　through　the　flames。　〃I　never　wanted　to　leave。〃
　
　28
　Revelation
　
　OCTOBER
　An　afternoon　squall　rose　up　from　the　valley　and　lashed　the　mesa；　a　storm　made　for　lovers。　The　rain　drove　the　birds　to　roost；　and　people　fled　the　streets。　Lightning　snaked；　thunder　rolled。　Hail　rattled　against　her　bedroom　window。
　Nathan　Lee　and