rh.royalassassin-第57节

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n　be　worn　away　by　the　constant　cold　drip　of　mon　sense。〃
　　　　　　　〃My　uncle？　Prince　Regal？〃　I　was　incredulous　at　the　betrayal。
　　　　　　　She　nodded　slowly。　〃He　wished　me　to　keep　his　visit　to　myself。　Nothing；　he　said；　could　be　gained　by　your　knowing　of　it。　He　needed　to　act　in　his　family's　best　interests。　He　said　I　should　understand　that。　I　did；　but　it　made　me　angry。　It　was　only　over　time　that　he　made　me　see　that　it　was　in　my　own　best　interests　as　well。〃　She　paused　and　brushed　a　hand　over　her　cheek。　She　was　crying。　Silently；　just　the　tears　running　as　she　spoke。
　　　　　　　I　walked　across　the　room　to　her。　Tentatively；　I　took　her　into　my　arms。　She　didn't　resist；　and　that　surprised　me。　I　held　her　carefully；　as　if　she　were　a　butterfly　that　might　be　crushed　too　easily。　She　leaned　her　head　forward；　so　that　her　forehead　barely　rested　on　my　shoulder；　and　spoke　into　my　chest。　〃In　a　few　more　months；　I　will　have　saved　enough　that　I　can　start　out　on　my　own　again。　Not　open　a　business；　but　rent　a　room　somewhere；　and　find　work　to　sustain　me。　And　begin　to　start　saving　for　a　shop。　That's　what　I　intend　to　do。　Lady　Patience　is　kind；　and　Lacey　has　bee　a　real　friend　to　me。　But　I　do　not　like　being　a　servant。　And　I　will　do　it　no　longer　than　I　have　to。〃　She　stopped　speaking　and　stood　still　in　my　arms。　She　was　trembling　lightly；　as　if　from　exhaustion：　She　seemed　to　have　run　out　of　words。
　　　　　　　〃What　did　my　uncle　say　to　you？〃　I　asked　carefully。
　　　　　　　〃Oh。〃　She　swallowed；　and　moved　her　face　lightly　against　me。　I　think　she　wiped　tears　on　my　shirt。　〃Only　what　I　should　have　expected　him　to　say。　When　first　he　came　to　me；　he　was　cold　and　aloof。　He　thought　me　a　。。。　street　whore；　I　suppose。　He　warned　me　sternly　that　the　King　would　tolerate　no　more　scandals。　He　demanded　to　know　if　I　was　with　child。　Of　course；　I　was　angry。　I　told　him　it　was　impossible　that　I　should　be。　That　we　had　never　。。。〃　Molly　paused　and　I　could　feel　how　shamed　she　had　been　that　anyone　could　even　ask　such　a　question。　〃So　then　he　told　me　that　if　that　was　so；　it　was　good。　He　asked　what　I　thought　I　deserved；　as　reparation　for　your　deceptions。〃
　　　　　　　The　word　was　like　a　little　knife　twisted　in　my　guts。　The　fury　I　felt　was　building；　but　I　forced　myself　to　keep　silent　that　she　might　speak　it　all　out。
　　　　　　　〃I　told　him　I　expected　nothing。　That　I　had　deceived　myself　as　much　as　you　had　deceived　me。　So　then　he　offered　me　money。　To　go　away。　And　never　speak　of　you。　Or　what　had　happened　between　us。〃
　　　　　　　She　was　having　trouble　speaking。　Her　voice　kept　getting　higher　and　tighter　on　each　phrase。　She　fought　for　a　semblance　of　calm　I　knew　she　didn't　feel。　〃He　offered　me　enough　to　open　a　chandlery。　I　was　angry。　I　told　him　I　could　not　be　paid　to　stop　loving　someone。　That　if　the　offer　of　money　could　make　me　love；　or　not　love；　then　I　was　truly　a　whore。　He　grew　very　angry；　but　he　left。〃　She　gave　a　sudden　shuddering　sob；　then　held　herself　still。　I　moved　my　hands　lightly　over　her　shoulders；　feeling　the　tension　there。　I　stroked　her　hair；　softer　than　any　horse's　mane；　and　sleeker。　She　had　fallen　silent。
　　　　　　　〃Regal　makes　mischief；〃　I　heard　myself　say。　〃He　seeks　to　injure　me　by　driving　you　away。　To　shame　me　by　hurting　you。〃　I　shook　my　head　to　myself；　wondering　at　my　stupidity。　〃I　should　have　foreseen　this。　All　I　thought　was　that　he　might　whisper　against　you。　Or　arrange　for　physical　harm　to　befall　you。　But　Burrich　is　right。　The　man　has　no　morals；　he　is　bound　by　no　rules。〃
　　　　　　　〃He　was　cold；　at　first。　But　never　coarsely　rude。　He　came　only　as　the　King's　messenger；　he　said；　and　came　himself　to　save　scandal；　that　no　more　should　know　of　it　than　needed　to。　He　sought　to　avoid　talk；　not　make　it。　Later；　after　we　had　talked　a　few　times；　he　said　he　regretted　to　see　me　cornered　so；　and　that　he　would　tell　the　King　it　was　not　of　my　devising。　He　even　bought　candles　of　me；　and　arranged　for　others　to　know　what　I　had　to　sell。　I　believe　he　is　trying　to　help；　FitzChivalry。　Or　so　he　sees　it。〃
　　　　　　　To　hear　her　defend　Regal　cut　me　deeper　than　any　insult　or　rebuke　she　could　level　at　me。　My　fingers　tangled　in　her　soft　hair　and　I　unwound　them　carefully。　Regal。　All　the　weeks　I　had　gone　alone；　avoiding　her；　not　speaking　to　her　lest　it　cause　scandal。　Leaving　her　alone；　so　that　Regal　could　e　in　my　stead。　Not　courting　her；　no；　but　winning　her　with　his　practiced　charm　and　studied　words。　Chopping　away　at　her　image　of　me　while　I　was　not　there　to　contradict　anything　he　said。　Making　himself　out　to　be　her　ally　while　I　was　left　voiceless　to　bee　the　unthinking　callow　youth；　the　thoughtless　villain。　I　bit　my　tongue　before　I　spoke　any　more　ill　of　him　to　her。　It　would　only　sound　like　a　shallow　angry　boy　striking　back　at　one　who　sought　to　deny　his　will。
　　　　　　　〃Have　you　ever　spoken　of　Regal's　visits　to　Patience　or　Lacey？　What　did　they　say　of　him？〃
　　　　　　　She　shook　her　head；　and　the　movement　loosed　the　fragrance　of　her　hair。　〃He　cautioned　me　not　to　speak　of　it。　‘Women　talk'　he　said；　and　I　know　that　is　true。　I　should　not　even　have　spoken　of　it　to　you。　He　said　that　Patience　and　Lacey　would　respect　me　more　if　it　seemed　I　had　reached　this　decision　on　my　own。　He　said；　also　。。。　that　you　would　not　let　me　go　。。。　if　you　thought　the　decision　came　from　him。　That　you　must　believe　that　I　turned　away　from　you　on　my　own。〃
　　　　　　　〃He　knows　me　that　well；〃　I　conceded　to　her。
　　　　　　　〃I　should　not　have　told　you；〃　she　murmured。　She　pushed　a　little　away　from　me；　to　look　up　into　my　eyes。　〃I　don't　know　why　I　did。〃
　　　　　　　Her　eyes　and　her　hair　were　the　colors　of　a　forest。　〃Perhaps　you　did　not　want　me　to　let　you　go？〃　I　ventured。
　　　　　　　〃You　must；〃　she　said。　〃We　both　know　there　is　no　future　for　us。〃
　　　　　　　For　an　instant　all　was　stillness。　The　fire　crackled　softly　to　itself。　Neither　of　us　moved。　But　somehow　I　stepped　to　another　place；　where　I　was　achingly　aware　of　every　scent　and　touch　of　her。　Her　eyes　and　the　herb　scents　of　her　skin　and　hair　were　one　piece　with　the　warmth　and　suppleness　of　her　body　under　the　soft　woolen　night　robe。　I　experienced　her　as　if　she　were　a　new　color　suddenly　revealed　to　my　eyes。　All　concerns；　even　all　thoughts；　were　suspended　in　that　sudden　awareness。　I　know　I　trembled；　for　she　put　her　hands　on　my　shoulders　and　clasped　them；　to　steady　me。　Warmth　flowed　through　me　from　her　hands。　I　looked　down　into　her　eyes　and　wondered　at　what　I　saw　there。
　　　　　　　She　kissed　me。
　　　　　　　That　simple　act；　of　offering　up　her　mouth　to　mine；　was　like　the　opening　of　a　floodgate。　What　followed　was　a　seamless　continuation　of　her　kiss。　We　did　not　pause　to　consider　wisdom　or　morality；　we　did　not　hesitate　at　all。　The　permission　we　gave　each　other　was　absolute。　We　ventured　together　into　that　newness；　and　I　cannot　imagine　a　deeper　joining　than　our　shared　amazement　brought　us。　We　both　came　whole　to　that　night；　unfettered　by　expectations　or　memories　of　others。　I　had　no　more　right　to　her　than　she　had　to　me。　But　I　gave　and　I　took　and　I　swear　I　shall　never　regret　it。　The　memory　of　that　night's　sweet　awkwardness　is　the　truest　possession　of　my　soul。　My　trembling　fingers　jumbled　the　ribbon　at　the　neck　closure　of　her　nightgown　into　a　hopeless　knot。　Molly　seemed　wise　and　sure　as　she　touched　me；　only　to　betray　her　surprise　with　her　sharply　indrawn　breath　when　I　responded。　It　did　not　matter。　Our　ignorance　yielded　to　a　knowing　older　than　us　both。　I　strove　to　be　both　gentle　and　strong；　but　found　myself　amazed　at　her　strength　and　gentleness　both。
　　　　　　　I　have　heard　it　called　a　dance；　I　have　heard　it　called　a　battle。　Some　men　speak　of　it　with　a　knowing　laugh；　some　with　a　sneer。　I　have　heard　the　sturdy　market　women　chuckling　over　it　like　hens　clucking　over　bread　crumbs；　I　have　been　approached　by　bawds　who　spoke　their　wares　as　boldly　as　peddlers　hawking　fresh　fish。　For　myself；　I　think　some　things　are　beyond　words。　The　color　blue　can　only　be　experienced；　as　can　the　scent　of　jasmine　or　the　sound　of　a　flute。　The　curve　of　a　warm　bared　shoulder；　the　uniquely　feminine　softness　of　a　breast；　the　startled　sound　one　makes　when　all　barriers　suddenly　yield；　the　perfume　of　her　throat；　the　taste　of　her　skin　are　all　but　parts；　and　sweet　as　they　may　be；　they　do　not　embody　the　whole。　A　thousand　such　details　still　would　not　illustrate　it。
　　　　　　　The　fireplace　logs　burned　down　to　dark　red　embers。　The　candles　had　long　since　guttered　out。　It　seemed　we　were　in　a　place　we　had　entered　as　strangers；　and　discovered　to　be　home。　I　think　I　would　have　given　away　all　the　rest　of　the　world；　just　to　remain　in　the　drowsy　nest　of　tousled　blankets　and　feather　quilts；　breathing　her　warm　stillness。
　　　　　　　Brother；　this　is　good。
　　　　　　　I　leaped　like　a　hooked　fish；　jolting　Molly　out　of　her　drowsing　reverie。　〃What　is　it？〃
　　　　　　　〃A　cramp　in　my　calf；〃　I　lied；　and　she　laughed；　believing　me。　So　simple　a　fib；　but　I　was　suddenly　shamed　by　the　lie；　by　all　the　lies　I　had　ever　spoken　and　all　the　truths　I　had　made　into　lies　by　leaving　them　unspoken。　I　opened　my　lips　to　tell　her　all。　That　I　was　the　royal　assassin；　the　King's　killing　tool。　That　the　knowledge　of　her　that　she　had　given　me　that　night　had　been　shared　by　my　brother　the　wolf。　That　she　had　given　herself　so　freely　to　a　man　who　killed　other　men　and　shared　his　life　with　an　animal。
　　　　　　　It　was　unthinkable。　To　tell　her　those　things　would　hurt　and　shame　her。　She　would　have　felt　permanently