rh.royalassassin-第2节

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　of　a　juggler。　She　knew　I　loved　her　before　I　did。　And　she　let　me　court　her；　although　I　was　a　few　years　younger　than　she；　and　not　one　of　the　town　boys　and　possessed　of　small　prospects　as　far　as　she　knew。　She　thought　I　was　the　scribe's　errand　boy；　a　part…time　helper　in　the　stables；　a　Keep　runner。　She　never　suspected　I　was　the　Bastard；　the　unacknowledged　son　that　had　toppled　Prince　Chivalry　from　his　place　in　the　line　of　succession。　That　alone　was　a　big　enough　secret。　Of　my　magics　and　my　other　profession；　she　knew　nothing。
　　　　　　　Maybe　that　was　why　I　could　love　her。
　　　　　　　It　was　certainly　why　I　lost　her。
　　　　　　　I　let　the　secrets　and　failures　and　pains　of　my　other　lives　keep　me　too　busy。　There　were　magics　to　learn；　secrets　to　ferret　out；　men　to　kill；　intrigues　to　survive。　Surrounded　by　them；　it　never　occurred　to　me　that　I　could　turn　to　Molly　for　a　measure　of　the　hope　and　understanding　that　eluded　me　everywhere　else。
　　　　　　　She　was　apart　from　these　things；　unsullied　by　them。　I　carefully　preserved　her　from　any　touch　of　them。　I　never　tried　to　draw　her　into　my　world。　Instead；　I　went　to　hers；　to　the　fishing　and　shipping　port　town　where　she　sold　candles　and　honey　in　her　shop；　and　shopped　in　the　market；　and；　sometimes；　walked　on　the　beaches　with　me。　To　me；　it　was　enough　that　she　existed　for　me　to　love。　I　did　not　even　dare　to　hope　she　might　return　that　feeling。
　　　　　　　There　came　a　time　when　my　training　in　the　Skill　ground　me　into　a　misery　so　deep　I　did　not　think　I　could　survive　it。　I　could　not　forgive　myself　for　being　unable　to　learn　it；　I　could　not　imagine　that　my　failure　might　not　matter　to　others。　I　cloaked　my　despair　in　surly　withdrawal。　I　let　the　long　weeks　pass；　and　never　saw　her　or　even　sent　her　word　that　I　thought　of　her。　Finally；　when　there　was　no　one　else　that　I　could　turn　to；　I　sought　her。　Too　late。　I　arrived　at　the　Beebalm　Chandlery　in　Buckkeep　Town　one　afternoon；　gifts　in　hand；　in　time　to　see　her　leaving。　Not　alone。　With　Jade；　a　fine　broad…chested　seaman；　with　a　bold　earring　in　one　ear　and　the　sure　masculinity　of　his　superior　years。　Unnoticed；　defeated；　I　slunk　away　and　watched　them　walk　off　arm　in　arm。　I　watched　her　go；　and　I　let　her　go；　and　in　the　months　that　followed；　I　tried　to　convince　myself　that　my　heart　had　let　her　go　as　well。　I　wonder　what　would　have　happened　if　I　had　run　after　them　that　afternoon；　if　I　had　begged　one　last　word　of　her。　Odd；　to　think　of　so　many　events　turning　upon　a　boy's　misplaced　pride　and　his　schooled　acceptance　of　defeats。　I　set　her　out　of　my　thoughts；　and　spoke　of　her　to　no　one。　I　got　on　with　my　life。
　　　　　　　King　Shrewd　sent　me　as　his　assassin　with　a　great　caravan　of　folk　going　to　witness　the　pledging　of　the　Mountain　Princess　Kettricken　as　Prince　Verity's　bride。　My　mission　was　to　quietly　cause　the　death　of　her　older　brother；　Prince　Rurisk；　subtly　of　course；　so　that　she　would　be　left　the　sole　heir　to　the　Mountain　throne。　But　what　I　found　when　I　arrived　there　was　a　web　of　deceit　and　lies　engineered　by　my　youngest　uncle；　Prince　Regal；　who　hoped　to　topple　Verity　from　the　line　of　succession　and　claim　the　Princess　as　his　own　bride。　I　was　the　pawn　he　would　sacrifice　for　this　goal；　and　I　was　the　pawn　who　instead　toppled　the　game　pieces　around　him；　bringing　his　wrath　and　vengeance　down　on　myself；　but　saving　the　crown　and　the　Princess　for　Prince　Verity。　I　do　not　think　this　was　heroism。　Nor　do　I　think　it　was　petty　spite　wreaked　on　one　who　had　always　bullied　and　belittled　me。　It　was　the　act　of　a　boy　being　a　man；　and　doing　what　I　had　sworn　to　do　years　before　I　prehended　the　cost　of　such　an　oath。　The　price　was　my　healthy　young　body；　so　long　taken　for　granted。
　　　　　　　Long　after　I　had　defeated　Regal's　plot；　I　lingered　in　a　sickbed　in　the　Mountain　Kingdom。　But　finally　a　morning　came　when　I　awoke　and　believed　that　my　long　illness　was　finally　over。　Burrich　had　decided　I　was　recovered　enough　to　begin　the　long　journey　back　home　to　the　Six　Duchies。　Princess　Kettricken　and　her　entourage　had　left　for　Buckkeep　weeks　before；　when　the　weather　was　still　fine。　Now　winter　snows　already　smothered　the　higher　parts　of　the　Mountain　Kingdom。　If　we　did　not　leave　Jhaampe　soon；　we　would　be　forced　to　winter　there。　I　was　up　early　that　morning；　doing　my　final　packing；　when　the　first　small　tremors　began。　Resolutely；　I　ignored　them。　I　was　just　shaky；　I　told　myself；　with　not　having　eaten　breakfast　yet；　and　the　excitement　of　the　journey　home。　I　donned　the　garments　that　Jonqui　had　furnished　for　our　winter　journey　through　the　Mountains　and　across　the　plains。　For　me　there　was　a　long　red　shirt；　padded　with　wool　quilted　into　it。　The　quilted　trousers　were　green；　but　embroidered　with　red　at　the　waist　and　cuffs。　The　boots　were　soft；　almost　shapeless　until　my　feet　were　laced　inside　them。　They　were　like　sacks　of　soft　leather；　padded　with　sheared　wool　and　trimmed　with　fur。　They　fastened　to　the　feet　with　long　wrappings　of　leather　strips。　My　trembling　fingers　made　tying　them　a　difficult　task。　Jonqui　had　told　us　they　were　wonderful　for　the　dry　snow　of　the　mountains；　but　to　beware　of　getting　them　wet。
　　　　　　　There　was　a　looking　glass　in　the　room。　At　first；　I　smiled　at　my　reflection。　Not　even　King　Shrewd's　fool　dressed　as　gaily　as　this。　But　above　the　bright　garments；　my　face　was　thin　and　pale；　making　my　dark　eyes　too　large；　while　my　fever…shorn　hair；　black　and　bristly；　stood　up　like　a　dog's　hackles。　My　illness　had　ravaged　me。　But　I　told　myself　I　was　finally　on　my　way　home。　I　turned　aside　from　the　mirror。　As　I　packed　the　few　small　gifts　I　had　selected　to　take　home　to　my　friends；　the　unsteadiness　grew　in　my　hands。
　　　　　　　For　the　last　time　Burrich；　Hands；　and　I　sat　down　to　break　fast　with　Jonqui。　I　thanked　her　once　again　for　all　she　had　done　toward　healing　me。　I　picked　up　a　spoon　for　the　porridge；　and　my　hand　gave　a　twitch。　I　dropped　it。　I　watched　the　silvery　shape　fall　and　fell　after　it。
　　　　　　　The　next　thing　I　remember　is　the　shadowy　corners　of　the　bedroom。　I　lay　for　a　long　time；　not　moving　or　speaking。　I　went　from　a　state　of　emptiness　to　knowing　I　had　had　another　seizure。　It　had　passed；　both　body　and　mind　were　mine　to　mand　once　more。　But　I　no　longer　wanted　them。　At　fifteen　years　old；　an　age　when　most　were　ing　into　their　full　strength；　I　could　no　longer　trust　my　body　to　perform　the　simplest　task。　It　was　damaged；　and　I　rejected　it　fiercely。　I　felt　savagely　vindictive　toward　the　flesh　and　bone　that　enclosed　me；　and　wished　for　some　way　to　express　my　raging　disappointment。　Why　couldn't　I　heal？　Why　hadn't　I　recovered？
　　　　　　　〃It's　going　to　take　time；　that's　all。　Wait　until　half　a　year　has　passed　since　the　day　you　were　damaged。　Then　assess　yourself。〃　It　was　Jonqui　the　healer。　She　was　sitting　near　the　fireplace；　but　her　chair　was　drawn　back　into　the　shadows。　I　hadn't　noticed　her　until　she　spoke。　She　rose　slowly；　as　if　the　winter　made　her　bones　ache；　and　came　to　stand　beside　my　bed。
　　　　　　　〃I　don't　want　to　live　like　an　old　man。〃
　　　　　　　She　pursed　her　lips。　〃Sooner　or　later　you　will　have　to。　At　least；　I　so　wish　that　you　will　survive　that　many　years。　I　am　old；　and　so　is　my　brother　King　Eyod。　We　do　not　find　it　so　great　a　burden。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　should　not　mind　an　old　man's　body　if　the　years　had　earned　it　for　me。　But　I　can't　go　on　like　this。〃
　　　　　　　She　shook　her　head；　puzzled。　〃Of　course　you　can。　Healing　is　tedious　sometimes；　but　to　say　that　you　cannot　go　on　。。。　I　do　not　understand。　It　is；　perhaps；　a　difference　in　our　languages？〃
　　　　　　　I　took　a　breath　to　speak；　but　at　that　moment　Burrich　came　in。　〃Awake？　Feeling　better？〃
　　　　　　　〃Awake。　Not　feeling　better；〃　I　grumbled。　Even　to　myself；　I　sounded　like　a　fretful　child。　Burrich　and　Jonqui　exchanged　glances　over　me。　She　came　to　the　bedside；　patted　my　shoulder；　and　then　left　the　room　silently。　Their　obvious　tolerance　was　galling；　and　my　impotent　anger　rose　like　a　tide。　〃Why　can't　you　heal　me？〃　I　demanded　of　Burrich。
　　　　　　　He　was　taken　aback　by　the　accusation　in　my　question。　〃It's　not　that　simple；〃　he　began。
　　　　　　　〃Why　not？〃　I　hauled　myself　up　straight　in　the　bed。　〃I've　seen　you　cure　all　manner　of　ailments　in　beasts。　Sickness；　broken　bones；　worms；　mange　。。。　you're　stablemaster；　and　I've　seen　you　treat　them　all。　Why　can't　you　cure　me？〃
　　　　　　　〃You're　not　a　dog；　Fitz；〃　Burrich　said　quietly。　〃It's　simpler　with　a　beast；　when　it's　seriously　ill。　I've　taken　drastic　measures；　sometimes；　telling　myself；　well；　if　the　animal　dies；　at　least　it's　not　suffering　anymore；　and　this　may　heal　it。　I　can't　do　that　with　you。　You're　not　a　beast。〃
　　　　　　　〃That's　no　answer！　Half　the　time　the　guards　e　to　you　instead　of　the　healer。　You　took　the　head　of　an　arrow　out　of　Den。　You　laid　his　whole　arm　open　to　do　it！　When　the　healer　said　that　Greydin's　foot　was　too　infected　and　she'd　have　to　lose　it；　she　came　to　you；　and　you　saved　it。　And　all　the　time　the　healer　was　saying　the　infection　would　spread　and　she'd　die　and　it　would　be　your　fault。〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　folded　his　lips；　quelling　his　temper。　If　I'd　been　healthy；　I'd　have　been　wary　of　his　wrath。　But　his　restraint　with　me　during　my　convalescence　had　made　me　bold。　When　he　spoke；　his　voice　was　quiet　and　controlled。　〃Those　were　risky　healings；　yes。　But　the　folk　who　wanted　them　done　knew　the　risks。　And；〃　he　said；　raising　his　voice　to　cover　the　objection　I'd　been　about　to　utter；　〃they　were　simple　things。