cb.imajica1-第35节

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　the　tale　about　his　speaking　in　tongues。　It　might　have　provided　Gentle　with　some　sense　of　what　Taylor　needed　to　know　from　him　now。　The　solving　of　mysteries　had　been　much　on　Taylor's　mind　on　Christmas　Night。　Perhaps　now；　whether　drugged　or　not；　he　hoped　to　win　some　last　reprieve　from　his　confusion。　She　doubted　Gentle　would　have　any　answers。　The　look　she'd　seen　him　give　the　bathroom　mirror　had　been　that　of　a　man　to　whom　even　his　own　reflection　was　a　mystery。
　Bedrooms　were　only　ever　this　hot　for　sickness　or　love；　Gentle　thought　as　Clem　ushered　him　in：　for　the　sweating　out　of　obsession　or　contagion。　It　didn't　always　work；　of　course；　in　either　case；　but　at　least　in　love　failure　had　its　satisfactions。　He'd　eaten　very　little　since　he'd　departed　the　scene　in　Streatham；　and　the　stale　heat　made　him　feel　lightheaded。　He　had　to　scan　the　room　twice　before　his　eyes　settled　on　the　bed　in　which　Taylor　lay；　so　nearly　enveloped　was　it　by　the　soulless　attendants　of　modern　death：　an　oxygen　tank　with　its　tubes　and　mask；　a　table　loaded　with　dressings　and　towels；　another；　with　a　vomit　bowl；　bedpan；　and　towels；　and　beside　them　a　third；　carrying　medication　and　ointments。　In　the　midst　of　this　panoply　was　the　magnet　that　had　drawn　them　here；　who　now　seemed　very　like　their　prisoner。　Taylor　was　propped　up　on　plastic…covered　pillows；　with　his　eyes　closed。　He　looked　like　an　ancient。　His　hair　was　thin；　his　frame　thinner　still；　the　inner　life　of　his　body…　bone；　nerve；　and　vein…painfully　visible　through　skin　the　color　of　his　sheet。　It　was　all　Gentle　could　do　not　to　turn　and　flee　before　the　man's　eyes　flickered　open。　Death　was　here　again；　so　soon。　A　different　heat　this　time；　and　a　different　scene；　but　he　was　assailed　by　the　same　mixture　of　fear　and　ineptitude　he'd　felt　in　Streatham。
　He　hung　back　at　the　door；　leaving　Clem　to　approach　the　bed　first　and　softly　wake　the　sleeper。
　Taylor　stirred；　an　irritated　look　on　his　face　until　his　gaze　found　Gentle。　Then　the　anger　at　being　called　back　into　pain　went　from　his　brow；　and　he　said；　〃You　found　him。〃
　〃It　was　Judy；　not　me；〃　Clem　said。
　〃Oh；　Judy。　She's　a　wonder；〃　Taylor　murmured。
　He　tried　to　reposition　himself　on　the　pillow；　but　the　effort　was　beyond　him。　His　breathing　became　instantly　arduous；　and　he　flinched　at　some　disfort　the　motion　brought。
　〃Do　you　want　a　painkiller？〃　Clem　asked　him。
　〃No；　thanks；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　to　be　clearheaded；　so　Gentle　and　I　can　talk。〃　He　looked　across　at　his　visitor；　who　was　still　lingering　at　the　door。　〃Will　you　talk　to　me　for　a　while；　John？〃　he　said。　〃Just　the　two　of　us？〃
　〃Of　course；〃　Gentle　said。
　Clem　moved　from　beside　the　bed　and　beckoned　Gentle　across。　There　was　a　chair；　but　Taylor　patted　the　bed；　and　it　was　there　Gentle　sat；　hearing　the　crackle　of　the　plastic　un…dersheet　as　he　did　so。
　〃Call　if　you　need　anything；〃　Clem　said；　the　remark　directed　not　at　Taylor　but　at　Gentle。　Then　he　left　them　alone。
　〃Could　you　pour　me　a　glass　of　water？〃　Taylor　asked。
　Gentle　did　so；　realizing　as　he　passed　it　to　Taylor　that　his　friend　lacked　the　strength　to　hold　it　for　himself。　He　put　it　to　Taylor's　lips。　There　was　a　salve　on　them；　which　moistened　them　lightly；　but　they　were　still　split；　and　puffy　with　sores。　After　a　few　sips　Taylor　murmured　something。
　〃Enough？〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Yes；　thanks；〃　Taylor　replied。　Gentle　set　the　glass　down。　〃I've　had　just　about　enough　of　everything。　It's　time　it　was　all　over。〃
　〃You'll　get　strong　again。〃
　〃I　didn't　want　to　see　you　so　we　could　sit　and　lie　to　each　other；〃　Taylor　said。　〃I　wanted　you　here　so　I　could　tell　you　how　much　I've　been　thinking　about　you。　Night　and　day。　Gentle。〃
　〃I'm　sure　I　don't　deserve　that。〃
　〃My　subconscious　thinks　you　do；〃　Taylor　replied。　〃And；　while　we're　being　honest；　the　rest　of　me　too。　You　don't　look　as　if　you're　getting　enough　sleep；　Gentle。〃
　〃I've　been　working；　that's　all。〃
　〃Painting？〃
　〃Some　of　the　time。　Looking　for　inspiration；　you　know。〃
　〃I've　got　a　confession　to　make；〃　Taylor　said。　〃But　first；　you've　got　to　promise　you　won't　be　angry　with　me。〃
　〃What　have　you　done？〃
　〃I　told　Judy　about　the　night　we　got　together；〃　Taylor　said。　He　stared　at　Gentle　as　if　expecting　there　to　be　some　eruption。　When　there　was　none；　he　went　on；　〃I　know　it　was　no　big　deal　to　you；〃　he　said。　〃But　it's　been　on　my　mind　a　lot。　You　don't　mind；　do　you？〃
　Gentle　shrugged。　〃I'm　sure　it　didn't　e　as　any　big　surprise　to　her。〃
　Taylor　turned　his　hand　palm　up　on　the　sheet；　and　Gentle　took　it。　There　was　no　power　in　Taylor's　fingers；　but　he　closed　them　round　Gentle's　hand　with　what　little　strength　he　had。　His　grip　was　cold。
　〃You're　shaking；〃　Taylor　said。；
　〃I　haven't　eaten　in　a　while；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃You　should　keep　your　strength　up。　You're　a　busy　man。〃
　〃Sometimes　I　need　to　float　a　little　bit；〃　Gentle　replied。
　Taylor　smiled；　and　there　in　his　wasted　features　was　a　phantom　glimpse　of　the　beauty　he'd　had。
　〃Oh；　yes；〃　he　said。　〃I　float　all　the　time。　I've　been　all　over　the　room。　I've　even　been　outside　the　window；　looking　in　at　myself。　That's　the　way　it'll　be　when　I　go；　Gentle。　I'll　float　off；　only　that　one　time　I　won't　e　back。　I　know　Clem's　going　to　miss　me…we've　had　half　a　lifetime　together…but　you　and　Judy　will　be　kind　to　him；　won't　you？　Make　him　understand　how　things　are；　if　you　can。　Tell　him　how　I　floated　off。　He　doesn't　want　to　hear　me　talk　that　way；　but　you　understand。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　do。〃
　〃You're　an　artist；〃　he　said。
　〃I'm　a　faker。〃
　〃Not　in　my　dreams；　you're　not。　In　my　dreams　you　want　to　heal　me；　and　you　know　what　I　say？　I　tell　you　I　don't　want　to　get　well。　I　say　I　want　to　be　out　in　the　light。〃
　〃That　sounds　like　a　good　place　to　be；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Maybe　Til　join　you。〃
　〃Are　things　so　bad？　Tell　me。　I　want　to　hear。〃
　〃My　whole　life's　fucked；　Tay。〃
　〃You　shouldn't　be　so　hard　on　yourself。　You're　a　good　man。〃
　〃You　said　we　wouldn't　tell　lies。〃
　〃That's　no　lie。　You　are。　You　just　need　someone　to　remind　you　once　in　a　while。　Everybody　does。　Otherwise　we　slip　back　into　the　mud；　you　know？〃
　Gentle　took　tighter　hold　of　Taylor's　hand。　There　was　so　much　in　him　he　had　neither　the　form　nor　the　prehension　to　express。　Here　was　Taylor　pouring　out　his　heart　about　love　and　dreams　and　how　it　was　going　to　be　when　he　died；　and　what　did　he；　Gentle；　have　by　way　of　contribution？　At　best；　confusion　and　forgetfulness。　Which　of　them　was　the　sicker；　then？　he　found　himself　thinking。　Taylor；　who　was　frail　but　able　to　speak　his　heart？　Or　himself；　whole　but　silent？　Determined　he　wouldn't　part　from　this　man　without　attempting　to　share　something　of　what　had　happened　to　him；　he　fumbled　for　some　words　of　explanation。
　〃I　think　I　found　somebody；〃　he　said。　〃Somebody　to　help　me　。　。　。　remember　myself。〃
　〃That's　good。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure；〃　he　said；　his　voice　gossamer。　〃I've　seen　some　things　in　the　last　few　weeks；　Tay　。　。　。　things　I　didn't　want　to　believe　until　I　had　no　choice。　Sometimes　I　think　I'm　going　crazy。〃
　'Tell　me。〃
　〃There　was　someone　in　New　York　who　tried　to　kill　Jude。〃
　〃I　know。　She　told　me　about　it。　What　about　him？〃　His　eyes　widened。　〃Is　this　the　somebody？〃　he　said。
　〃It's　not　a　he。〃
　〃I　thought　Judy　said　it　was　a　man。〃
　〃It's　not　a　man；〃　Gentle　said。　〃It's　not　a　woman；　either。　It's　not　even　human；　Tay。〃
　〃What　is　it　then？〃
　〃Wonderful；〃　he　said　quietly。
　He　hadn't　dared　use　a　word　like　that；　even　to　himself。　But　anything　less　was　a　lie；　and　lies　weren't　wele　here。
　〃I　told　you　I　was　going　crazy。　But　I　swear　if　you　had　seen　the　way　it　changed　。　。　。　it　was　like　nothing　on　earth。〃
　〃And　where　is　it　now？〃
　〃I　think　it's　dead；〃　Gentle　replied。　〃I　wasted　too　long　to　find　it。　I　tried　to　forget　I'd　ever　set　eyes　on　it。　I　was　afraid　of　what　it　was　stirring　up　in　me。　And　then　when　that　didn't　work　I　tried　to　paint　it　out　of　my　system。　But　it　wouldn't　go。　Of　course；　it　wouldn't　go。　It　was　part　of　me　by　that　time。　And　then　when　I　finally　went　to　find　it。　。　。　it　was　too　late。〃　〃Are　you　sure？〃　Taylor　said。　Knots　of　disfort　had　appeared　on　his　face；　as　Gentle　talked；　and　were　tightenin￡…〃Are　you　all　right？〃
　〃Yes；　yes；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　to　hear　the　rest。〃
　〃There's　nothing　else　to　hear。　Maybe　Pie's　out　there　somewhere；　but　I　don't　know　where。〃
　〃Is　that　why　you　want　to　float？　Are　you　hoping…〃　He　stopped；　his　breathing　suddenly　turning　into　gasps。　〃You　know；　maybe　you　should　fetch　Clem；〃　he　said。
　〃Of　course。〃
　Gentle　went　to　the　door；　but　before　he　reached　it　Taylor　said；　〃You've　got　to　understand。　Gentle。　Whatever　the　mystery　is；　you'll　have　to　see　it　for　us　both。〃
　With　his　hand　on　the　door；　and　ample　reason　to　beat　a　hasty　retreat；　Gentle　knew　he　could　still　choose　silence　over　a　reply；　could　take　his　leave　of　the　ancient　without　accepting　the　quest。　But　if　he　answered；　and　took　it；　he　was　bound。
　〃I'm　going　to　understand；〃　he　said；　meeting　Taylor's　despairing　gaze。　〃We　both　are。　I　swear。〃
　Taylor　managed　to　smile　in　response；　but　it　was　fleeting。　Gentle　opened　the　door　and　headed　out　onto　the　landing。　Clem　was　waiting。
　〃He　needs　you；〃　Gentle　said。
　Clem　stepped　inside　and　closed　the　bedroom　door。　Feeling　suddenly　exiled；　Gentle　headed　downstairs。　Jude　was　sitting　at　the　kitchen　table；　playing　with　a　piece　of　rock。
　〃How　is　he？〃　she　wanted　to　know。
　〃Not　good；〃　Gentle　said。