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give us a lecture about Omnibus Snobs。'  Indeed; I should

like to write a chapter about the Snobbish Dons very

much; and another about the Snobbish Dandies。  Of my dear

Theatrical Snobs I think with a pang; and I can hardly

break away from some Snobbish artists; with whom I have

long; long intended to have a palaver。



But what's the use of delaying?  When these were done

there would be fresh Snobs to pourtray。  The labour is

endless。  No single man could complete it。  Here are but

fifty…two bricksand a pyramid to build。  It is best to

stop。  As Jones always quits the room as soon as he has

said his good thing;as Cincinnatus and General

Washington both retired into private life in the height

of their popularity;as Prince Albert; when he laid the

first stone of the Exchange; left the bricklayers to

complete that edifice and went home to his royal dinner;…

…as the poet Bunn comes forward at the end of the season;

and with feelings too tumultuous to describe; blesses his

KYIND friends over the footlights: so; friends; in the

flush of conquest and the splendour of victory; amid the

shouts and the plaudits of a peopletriumphant yet

modestthe Snob of England bids ye farewell。



But only for a season。  Not for ever。  No; no。  There is

one celebrated author whom I admire very muchwho has

been taking leave of the public any time these ten years

in his prefaces; and always comes back again when

everybody is glad to see him。  How can he have the heart

to be saying good…bye so often?  I believe that Bunn is

affected when he blesses the people。  Parting is always

painful。  Even the familiar bore is dear to you。  I

should be sorry to shake hands even with Jawkins for the

last time。  I think a well…constituted convict; on coming

home from transportation; ought to be rather sad when he

takes leave of Van Diemen's Land。  When the curtain goes

down on the last night of a pantomime; poor old clown

must be very dismal; depend on it。  Ha! with what joy he

rushes forward on the evening of the 26th of December

next; and says'How are you?Here we are!'  But I am

growing too sentimental:to return to the theme。



THE NATIONAL MIND IS AWAKENED TO THE SUBJECT OF SNOBS。

The word Snob has taken a place in our honest English

vocabulary。  We can't define it; perhaps。  We can't say

what it is; any more than we can define wit; or humour;

or humbug; but we KNOW what it is。  Some weeks since;

happening to have the felicity to sit next to a young

lady at a hospitable table; where poor old Jawkins was

holding forth in a very absurd pompous manner; I wrote

upon the spotless damask 'SB;' and called my

neighbour's attention to the little remark。



That young lady smiled。  She knew it at once。  Her mind

straightway filled up the two letters concealed by

apostrophic reserve; and I read in her assenting eyes

that she knew Jawkins was a Snob。  You seldom get them to

make use of the word as yet; it is true; but it is

inconceivable how pretty an expression their little

smiling mouths assume when they speak it out。  If any

young lady doubts; just let her go up to her own room;

look at herself steadily in the glass; and say 'Snob。'

If she tries this simple experiment; my life for it; she

will smile; and own that the word becomes her mouth

amazingly。  A pretty little round word; all composed of

soft letters; with a hiss at the beginning; just to make

it piquant; as it were。



Jawkins; meanwhile; went on blundering; and bragging and

boring; quite unconsciously。  And so he will; no doubt;

go on roaring and braying; to the end of time or at least

so long as people will hear him。  You cannot alter the

nature of men and Snobs by any force of satire; as; by

laying ever so many stripes on a donkey's back; you can't

turn him into a zebra。



But we can warn the neighbourhood that the person whom

they and Jawkins admire is an impostor。  We apply the

Snob test to him; and try whether he is conceited and a

quack; whether pompous and lacking humilitywhether

uncharitable and proud of his narrow soul?  How does he

treat a great manhow regard a small one?  How does he

comport himself in the presence of His Grace the Duke;

and how in that of Smith the tradesman?



And it seems to me that all English society is cursed by

this mammoniacal superstition; and that we are sneaking

and bowing and cringing on the one hand; or bullying and

scorning on the other; from the lowest to the highest。

My wife speaks with great circumspection'proper pride;'

she calls itto our neighbour the tradesman's lady: and

she; I mean Mrs。 Snob;Elizawould give one of her eyes

to go to Court; as her cousin; the Captain's wife; did。

She; again; is a good soul; but it costs her agonies to

be obliged to confess that we live in Upper Thompson

Street; Somers Town。  And though I believe in her heart

Mrs。 Whiskerington is fonder of us than of her cousins;

the Smigsmags; you should hear how she goes on prattling

about Lady Smigsmag;and 'I said to Sir John; my dear

John;' and about the Smigsmags' house and parties in Hyde

Park Terrace。



Lady Smigsmag; when she meets Eliza;who is a sort of a

kind of a species of a connection of the family; pokes

out one finger; which my wife is at liberty to embrace in

the most cordial manner she can devise。  But oh; you

should see her ladyship's behaviour on her first…chop

dinner…party days; when Lord and Lady Longears come!



I can bear it no longerthis diabolical invention of

gentility which kills natural kindliness and honest

friendship。  Proper pride; indeed!  Rank and precedence;

forsooth!  The table of ranks and degrees is a lie; and

should be flung into the fire。  Organize rank and

precedence! that was well for the masters of ceremonies

of former ages。  Come forward; some great marshal; and

organize Equality in society; and your rod shall swallow

up all the juggling old court goldsticks。  If this is not

gospel…truthif the world does not tend to thisif

hereditary…great…man worship is not a humbug and an

idolatrylet us have the Stuarts back again; and crop

the Free Press's ears in the pillory。



If ever our cousins; the Smigsmags; asked me to meet Lord

Longears; I would like to take an opportunity after

dinner and say; in the most good…natured way in the

world:Sir; Fortune makes you a present of a number of

thousand pounds every year。  The ineffable wisdom of our

ancestors has placed you as a chief and hereditary

legislator over me。  Our admirable Constitution (the

pride of Britons and envy of surrounding nations) obliges

me to receive you as my senator; superior; and guardian。

Your eldest son; Fitz…Heehaw; is sure of a place in

Parliament; your younger sons; the De Brays; will kindly

condescend to be post…captains and lieutenants…colonels;

and to represent us in foreign courts or to take a good

living when it falls convenient。  These prizes our

admirable Constitution (the pride and envy of; &c。)

pronounces to be your due: without count of your dulness;

your vices; your selfishness; or your entire incapacity

and folly。  Dull as you may be (and we have as good a

right to assume that my lord is an ass; as the other

proposition; that he is an enlightened patriot);dull; I

say; as you may be; no one will accuse you of such

monstrous folly; as to suppose that you are indifferent

to the good luck which you possess; or have any

inclination to part with it。  Noand patriots as we are;

under happier circumstances; Smith and I; I have no

doubt; were we dukes ourselves; would stand by our order。



We would submit good…naturedly to sit in a high place。

We would acquiesce in that admirable Constitution (pride

and envy of; &c。) which made us chiefs and the world our

inferiors; we would not cavil particularly at that notion

of hereditary superiority which brought many simple

people cringing to our knees。  May be we would rally

round the Corn…Laws; we would make a stand against the

Reform Bill; we would die rather than repeal the Acts

against Catholics and Dissenters; we would; by our noble

system of class…legislation; bring Ireland to its present

admirable condition。



But Smith and I are not Earls as yet。  'We don't believe

that it is for the interest of Smith's army that De Bray

should be a Colonel at five…and…twenty; of Smith's

diplomatic relations that Lord Longears should go

Ambassador to Constantinople;of our politics; that

Longears should put his hereditary foot into them。



This bowing and cringing Smith believes to be the act of

Snobs; and he will do all in his might and main to be a

Snob and to submit to Snobs no longer。  To Longears he

says; 'We can't help seeing; Longears; that we are as

good as you。  We can spell even better; can think quite

as rightly; we will not have you for our master; or black

your shoes any more。  Your footmen do it; but they are

paid; and the fellow who comes to get a list of th

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