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Lady Rose talked literature; and about the book…club at

Guttlebury; and is very strong in voyages and travels。

She has a prodigious interest in Borneo; and displayed a

knowledge of the history of the Punjaub and Kaffirland

that does credit to her memory。  Old General Sago; who

sat perfectly silent and plethoric; roused up as from a

lethargy when the former country was mentioned; and gave

the company his story about a hog…hunt at Ramjugger。  I

observed her ladyship treated with something like

contempt her neighbour the Reverend Lionel Pettipois; a

young divine whom you may track through the country by

little 'awakening' books at half…a…crown a hundred; which

dribble out of his pockets wherever he goes。  I saw him

give Miss Wirt a sheaf of 'The Little Washer…woman on

Putney Common;' and to Miss Hawbuck a couple of dozen of

'Meat in the Tray; or the Young Butcher…boy Rescued;' and

on paying a visit to Guttlebury gaol; I saw two notorious

fellows waiting their trial there (and temporarily

occupied with a game of cribbage); to whom his Reverence

offered a tract as he was walking over Crackshins Common;

and who robbed him of his purse; umbrella; and cambric

handkerchief; leaving him the tracts to distribute

elsewhere。







CHAPTER XXXI



A VISIT TO SOME COUNTRY SNOBS



'Why; dear Mr。 Snob;' said a young lady of rank and

fashion (to whom I present my best compliments); 'if you

found everything so SNOBBISH at the Evergreens; if the

pig bored you and the mutton was not to your liking; and

Mrs。 Ponto was a humbug; and Miss Wirt a nuisance; with

her abominable piano practice;why did you stay so

long?'



Ah; Miss; what a question!  Have you never heard of

gallant British soldiers storming batteries; of doctors

passing nights in plague wards of lazarettos; and other

instances of martyrdom?  What do you suppose induced

gentlemen to walk two miles up to the batteries of

Sabroan; with a hundred and fifty thundering guns bowling

them down by hundreds?not pleasure; surely。  What

causes your respected father to quit his comfortable home

for his chambers; after dinner; and pore over the most

dreary law papers until long past midnight?;

Mademoiselle; duty; which must be done alike by military;

or legal; or literary gents。  There's a power of

martyrdom in our profession。



You won't believe it?  Your rosy lips assume a smile of

incredulitya most naughty and odious expression in a

young lady's face。  Well; then; the fact is; that my

chambers; No。 24; Pump Court; Temple; were being painted

by the Honourable Society; and Mrs。 Slamkin; my

laundress; having occasion to go into Durham to see her

daughter; who is married; and has presented her with the

sweetest little grandsona few weeks could not be better

spent than in rusticating。  But ah; how delightful Pump

Court looked when I revisited its well…known chimney…

pots!  CARI LUOGHI。  Welcome; welcome; O fog and smut!



But if you think there is no moral in the foregoing

account of the Pontine family; you are; Madam; most

painfully mistaken。  In this very chapter we are going to

have the moralwhy; the whole of the papers are nothing

BUT the moral; setting forth as they do the folly of

being a Snob。



You will remark that in the Country Snobography my poor

friend Ponto has been held up almost exclusively for the

public gazeand why?  Because we went to no other house?

Because other families did not welcome us to their

mahogany?  No; no。  Sir John Hawbuck of the Haws; Sir

John Hipsley of Briary Hall; don't shut the gates of

hospitality: of General Sago's mulligatawny I could speak

from experience。  And the two old ladies at Guttlebury;

were they nothing?  Do you suppose that an agreeable

young dog; who shall be nameless; would not be made

welcome?  Don't you know that people are too glad to see

ANYBODY in the country?



But those dignified personages do not enter into the

scheme of the present work; and are but minor characters

of our Snob drama; just as; in the play; kings and

emperors are not half so important as many humble

persons。  The DOGE OF VENICE; for instance; gives way to

OTHELLO; who is but a nigger; and the KING OF FRANCE to

FALCONBRIDGE; who is a gentleman of positively no birth

at all。  So with the exalted characters above mentioned。

I perfectly well recollect that the claret at Hawbuck's

was not by any means so good as that of Hipsley's; while;

on the contrary; some white hermitage at the Haws (by the

way; the butler only gave me half a glass each time) was

supernacular。  And I remember the conversations。  O

Madam; Madam; how stupid they were!  The subsoil

ploughing; the pheasants and poaching; the row about the

representation of the county; the Earl of

Mangelwurzelshire being at variance with his relative and

nominee; the Honourable Marmaduke Tomnoddy; all these I

could put down; had I a mind to violate the confidence of

private life; and a great deal of conversation about the

weather; the Mangelwurzelshire Hunt; new manures; and

eating and drinking; of course。



But CUI BONO?  In these perfectly stupid and honourable

families there is not that Snobbishness which it is our

purpose to expose。  An ox is an oxa great hulking; fat…

sided; bellowing; munching Beef。  He ruminates according

to his nature; and consumes his destined portion of

turnips or oilcake; until the time comes for his

disappearance from the pastures; to be succeeded by other

deep…lunged and fat…ribbed animals。  Perhaps we do not

respect an ox。  We rather acquiesce in him。  The Snob; my

dear Madam; is the Frog that tries to swell himself to ox

size。  Let us pelt the silly brute out of his folly。



Look; I pray you; at the case of my unfortunate friend

Ponto; a good…natured; kindly English gentlemannot

over…wise; but quite passablefond of port…wine; of his

family; of country sports and agriculture; hospitably

minded; with as pretty a little patrimonial country…house

as heart can desire; and a thousand pounds a year。  It is

not much; but; ENTRE NOUS; people can live for less; and

not uncomfortably。



For instance; there is the doctor; whom Mrs。 P。 does not

condescend to visit: that man educates a mirific family;

and is loved by the poor for miles round: and gives them

port…wine for physic and medicine; gratis。  And how those

people can get on with their pittance; as Mrs。 Ponto

says; is a wonder to HER。



Again; there is the clergyman; Doctor Chrysostom; Mrs。

P。 says they quarrelled about Puseyism; but I am given to

understand it was because Mrs。 C。 had the PAS of her at

the Hawsyou may see what the value of his living is any

day in the 'Clerical Guide;' but you don't know what he

gives away。



Even Pettipois allows that; in whose eyes the Doctor's

surplice is a scarlet abomination; and so does Pettipois

do his duty in his way; and administer not only his

tracts and his talk; but his money and his means to his

people。  As a lord's son; by the way; Mrs。 Ponto is

uncommonly anxious that he should marry EITHER of the

girls whom Lord Gules does not intend to choose。



Well; although Pon's income would make up almost as much

as that of these three worthies put together oh; my

dear Madam; see in what hopeless penury the poor fellow

lives!  What tenant can look to HIS forbearance?  What

poor man can hope for HIS charity?  'Master's the best of

men;' honest Stripes says; 'and when we was in the

ridgment a more free…handed chap didn't live。  But the

way in which Missus DU scryou; I wonder the young ladies

is alive; that I du!'



They live upon a fine governess and fine masters; and

have clothes made by Lady Carabas's own milliner; and

their brother rides with earls to cover; and only the

best people in the county visit at the Evergreens; and

Mrs。 Ponto thinks herself a paragon of wives and mothers;

and a wonder of the world; for doing all this misery and

humbug; and snobbishness; on a thousand a year。



What an inexpressible comfort it was; my dear Madam; when

Stripes put my portmanteau in the four…wheeled chaise;

and (poor P on being touched with sciatica) drove me over

to 'Carabas Arms' at Guttlebury; where we took leave。

There were some bagmen there in the Commercial Room; and

one talked about the house he represented; and another

about his dinner; and a third about the Inns on the road;

and so fortha talk; not very wise; but honest and to

the purposeabout as good as that of the country

gentlemen: and oh; how much pleasanter than listening to

Miss Wirt's show…pieces on the piano; and Mrs。 Ponto's

genteel cackle about the fashion and the county families!







CHAPTER XXXII



SNOBBIUM GATHERUM



WHEN I see the great effect which these papers are

producing on an intelligent public; I have a strong hope

that before long we shall have a regular Snob department

in the newspapers; just as we have the Police Co

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